To feel angry at how few people make a plan for their own old age

[OptimismvsRealism]

We are all going to end up in a bad way unless we're lucky enough to drop down dead unexpectedly

Why do most people live in denial?

Have struggled to make ends meet all my life so very little savings. Having watched the steady decline in my mother's health over the last few years,I now worry immensely about my old age. Mum had to go into care eventually where she died 3 months ago just short of her 89th birthday. I cared for her for a long time up to that point,while still working and looking after my own kids etc. Its brutal. The cost of care homes is dreadful and,as we are finding out,so is the cost of funerals, interrments,gravestones etc.

I dont want my kids to go through all this. Hopefully I will be compos mentis enough to put an end to it all when the time comes. Thats my plan.

Hopefully I will be compos mentis enough to put an end to it all when the time comes. Thats my plan.

Same - in as far as I have one.

I can remember my parents talking about wanting to 'end it' when it became too much or 'lost their marbles' as they put it. That was twenty of so years ago when they were in their sixties. But you know what? When the time came, and they were immobilised by dementia and the awful aftermath of a massive stroke they fought and fought to live. They never once whispered in our ears 'finish it for me'. In reality they would have had to have done so blindly, months or years before they succumbed to their eventual fatal illnesses.

Exactly. In my experience, no one ends themselves..

The will to survive is incredibly strong.

It is @eggplant16
I've seen it three times in fact in three of my elders. It's all fine and good and brave to talk about a 'plan' when you're hale and hearty. Quite another when you're closer to the end

Granted I've not seen that posters comments on other threads but this seems a bit harsh. She's allowed to feel how she feels. I feel a similar worry-I'm not an only child but I had much older parents and have very little family left. I'm not even worried about old age but the next decade with worries about my mothers health and then being alone. I also tend to be repetitive and worry excessively, it's part of OCD to seek reassurance. She's not doing it on purpose to be horrible!

She has started multiple threads wittering on about this topic and her fears. This is not a thread to personally support one poster, who has dominated the thread with her distorted view of older age.

Many people of what she would deem older age have spoken up and tried multiple times to reassure her and set her straight - meanwhile being insulted by her blanket assumptions of what it must be like to be alone ( as they are) in older age, and more wails of the "tragedy" of her own (coupled up, very solvent, she says) 37 year old life, where she is already busy doing a Swedish death clear.

Yes, she is entitled to feel how she feels, but she spouts the same stuff over and over again, and has started several threads about it. If anyone offers suggestions she spurns them. It seems she is determined to wallow in self pity for the rest of her life - and wants everyone else to know about it.

I will be meeting up with a group of friends later, whose ages range from 65 to 95. All of them are single women, and one single man. Alll of them live in and happily keep their own homes, and even those in their 80s have no carers coming in, and are vividly engaged in their interests. The 95 year old only moved into a retirement village 4 years ago, as her house was getting too much. She receives no carer visits, as she is lucid, mobile, and does her own housework, shopping, and cooking, etc.

Op, you are entitled to your opinion but most decent people will find it repugnant.

Any decent society should be able to care for its vulnerable members.

I'm a single mum but I've saved into a pension. I'll move house when I retire next year. I've maintained my health and my career. I'll do everything I can but old age comes to us all.

To be honest you just sound irritated at the inconvenience of an elderly relative.

I think if you are left to care for an elderly relative who refuses any paid help and demands a huge amount of your time to the point where you feel you may have a breakdown you might start to feel differently. We will plan to not be that burden on our kids.

I can't plan ahead, other than making a very basic will laying out my wishes for funeral and kids.

I'm self employed and can only pay the bare minimum into my pension at the moment. Husband has a basic workplace pension.

Rent our house privately and there is next to no chance of us ever owning our own home, so where we live in our old age is a big unknown and we won't be able to make any adaptions.

We don't have any savings yet (late 30s/early 40s) and while hopefully in the
Next few years we will be able to start saving, the chances are it will be a very insignificant amount.

We have no choice but to leave it up to chance
And hope that something falls into place.

Absolutely. And it can go on for years.

Of course life gets in the way, and financially it's not something everyone can save for.

But if you have the means, over the course of your lifetime (especially after having kids), to spend a few hundred on an LPA, or an updated will, you absolutely should do this at minimum.

My mum's parents (70's) have a very basic will, but no LPA. They've been retired since their 60's. My mum keeps telling them to get one, and they really should discuss their wishes/paying for care plans with her. It would remove another layer of stress being added to her life if god forbid something happens to them.

My grandad refuses to talk about it at all, and constantly tells her 'nope,it's all your problem to sort out when it's time'. They are living in denial for the sake of a few hundred pounds, when they have thousands in the bank.

Of course it's my mum's problem to solve, not her darling brother, as she's the daughter, so she must do all the caring and admin when it's time.

They don't think about how hard my mum has to work, as her husband (my step-dad) had a life changing stroke, and has drastically altered their own retirement plans. She is essentially an only child as her brother is useless, and no doubt they will want my mum running around for them when they can no longer cope (as she's the daughter), but, how will she do this? She's the financial breadwinner, and has to work crazy hours to plug the gap until my SD can draw down his private pension as he can no longer work.

Parents who have financial means, and do nothing to prepare for old age are selfish and cruel to their children, especially when they know their children have stressful and busy lives already.

@Mochipuff
It's not your mum's problem but her parents have manipulated her into thinking that it is.

My grandad refuses to talk about it at all, and constantly tells her 'nope,it's all your problem to sort out when it's time'.

surely your mums only response to this can be “no it won’t, brother can sort you out.”

Yep, my MIL always maintained she would never go in a home, but also made no provision whatsoever to keep her body and mind fit and healthy. She was convinced she'd just die in the night!

She did no social activities, had no hobbies, wouldn't engage with computers (not even 20 years ago when she was only in her 50s and was perfectly capable). She didn't even do crosswords or anything like that. She wouldn't go out for, say, walks, never bothered learning to drive, only went out if there was a reason, i.e. to go shopping.

Now in her 80s, her mind has gone (hardly surprising given she did nothing to keep it active and didn't do any kind of exercise to keep blood pumping). All we get is "woe is me!". Well, what the hell did she expect?

It's blatantly obvious she needs to go into a home to be looked after as she's completely incapable of even the basics, but just expects OH or his sister to go round constantly to make her meals, put the bins out, even turn the TV on for her, turn on the heating, do the washing up, etc etc. They both work, so they simply can't spend that kind of time looking after her. But she just can't understand that people work, just because she was a stay at home Mum from the age of 20 and never worked, she thinks that's normal. OH and his sister can get 10-20 phone calls daily from her with some nonsense or other, some crisis (which isn't). But she refuses help, not only going in a home, but also refuses to have carers in the house to look after her. She only wants OH or his sister. She won't even let me in the house if I go round - I'm only allowed in if I'm with OH!

It's very upsetting for everyone concerned, especially as she made no attempt whatsoever (even a decade or two ago when she was compus mentis) to prepare herself for old age in any way. She refuses even to make a will, goes off on a rant if a power of attorney is suggested. Still convinced she can cope, immediately forgets as soon as a crisis is averted, and still believes she's just going to die in the night!

It's going to take a major incident to get her into a home, probably something like a fall breaking a leg or hip or her setting the house on fire or it blowing up. She'll never go home again after a hospital stay as she's only just coping of a fashion by "muscle memory" in things like washing, going to the loo, microwaving a ready meal, or even opening a bought sandwich - and OH/his sister have to phone to remind her to make a brew, eat something etc - she can't even think to do that herself!

@taxguru you do realise that the biggest brains can be felled by dementia?
It's obviously important to keep your mind and body active. But sometimes it's just luck of the draw.

Isn’t that the point though, that none of us can predict our future, so it’s sensible to at least do the basics like a will, PoA and/or statement of wishes if you lost capacity, discuss things like whether you want to be buried or cremated or don’t care. Make a list of the institutions where you have any bank accounts, pensions, insurance policies. Make a list of the medications you’re on, who your doctor is. Make a list of relations and friends that you would want to be kept informed if you were incapacitated or died. Leave a note for emergency services somewhere obvious naming your NoK/emergency contacts. Go through any old family photos and write the names on the back.

So many of these things are do once and then put to one side, and aside from the will and PoA, don’t cost any money but would make your life and that of your loved ones a lot easier knowing they were abiding by your wishes. Particularly in the event of you ending up incapacitated.

Quite. Iris Murdoch?

The idea that dementia is this woman's fault is both ignorant and cruel. That poster obviously just hates her MIL. And MIL clearly knows that.

Never been in denial but with an ex who pays sod all, trying to save for the last 15 years has been difficult.

@funnelfan yes, i agree it's sensible. But OP's post drips with disgust and blame. I've a long list of unfortunate people with very big intellects who were felled by this awful condition.

My understanding is Iris Murdoch was a very heavy drinker, which is a modifiable risk factor for dementia.