To feel angry at how few people make a plan for their own old age

[OptimismvsRealism]

We are all going to end up in a bad way unless we're lucky enough to drop down dead unexpectedly

Why do most people live in denial?

I'm an advocate for dignity in death. I think that we should all be able to say what constitutes the end for us, in advance, signed off by a Dr and. Lawyer. Then when that time arrives, also a Dr and. Lawyer.

All this hand-wringing and woe is me! and rattling of bed pans on this thread is bizarre. There are scores of books on the subject of healthy ageing, many of which are no doubt carried by your local library, or easily purchased from Amazon. If you don't want to be dependent in your old age, do something about it to reduce your risk factors!

Taken on board.

I am quite interested in what you say about your work assessing older people for care. May I ask, do you come across older people with zero family? How do things work out for them? Where do they live? What happens if they need to be admitted to hospital and there is no next of kin etc?

Thank you.

Not sure what more I can do health wise. I have a healthy BMI, eat a healthy diet, do a lot of exercise.

What I have observed is that siblings will tend to compete with each other for the favor of the parent. So even if the parent has been a bit of an a* some one will look after them. The parent will then (even if only by default/unconsciously) tend to play them off against each other.
The inherent rivalry between siblings makes them extremely prone to double crossing each other when there is an inheritance at stake.
If there's only one of you then all that is taken out of the equation.
Of course some siblings will be able to work together as an effective team, but often they seem to default to a 'crabs in a bucket' scenario- because things get so complex and stressful, rivalries from the past are played out etc.

OK, I'm old and had a dream for the future and my old age which just got blasted away as I went through life. However, here I am and I now own my home outright, I still work as I can't yet claim state pension but I do have some small work pensions as I've worked forever. It's not living the dream but it's living OK and covering my costs. I was homeless in the past 3 times, suffered DA, moved around a lot and made some bad decisions - yet here I am. I don't have kids so it's just me but that's ok.

The best made plans go wrong. Don't beat yourself up, make a better one. Wishing that everyone eventually gets to be where they want to be.

Read a few books and find out.

Your attitude is so unhealthy. Start keeping a gratitude list. Start learning to live in the present. People with negative attitudes to ageing don't tend to do well.

I upped my pension contributions to 23% to try and get a decent pot but I think I'm going to go back to 10% contributions.

Because all that will happen is that the government will make pension means-tested and they will see I'm getting a private pension and so I won't get the state pension.

Yep, it's always the middle that gets ripped off.

Sounds like you're doing just fine 😊👍🏻

Have you read her posts on this thread? Seriously. That is not the definition of just fine.

Yes that's good advice. I'm wary though because in the past I've not taken things as seriously as I should and I don't want to make that mistake again. I usually make the wrong call though, catastrophising over small illnesses-but then you can never be too careful with elderly parents. I don't want the guilt, I already carry enough. Like @Strawberriesandpears I also have OCD (although not officially diagnosed) I've always thought of it as being a mild thing for me personally, but some of the reactions in this thread when I share a similar thought process and can 100% understand where @Strawberriesandpears is coming from is making me realise it's affecting me in more ways than I realised. So thank you for that I may try and get help for it at last.

I'm not sure how I'd feel about that either. I'm very invested in the assisted dying subject, it gives me a lot of comfort to know it's an option should I ever need it. I don't know how I'd feel about it being suggested to me though.

Thank you @Firefly1987 Nice to have someone who understands, although of course I am not pleased that you are in the same position / suffer from the same thoughts.

Message me if you like and we can chat.

My mother was an only child, so I imagine she was fully aware of how life can be for an "only" and she lost both her parents at a younger age than I did - her DF died when she was 18.

I worked with an only child, who had a parent who was an only child, and has an only child herself. Her DM recently died, on the other side of the world, and I've since been talking to her - she most certainly is not feeling the way you seem to believe she should be. You do seem to seach out people who insist on behaving in a way which, to put it bluntly, is not normal.

I did not suffer from depression when dealing with my elderly parents - who were divorced which makes it harder as you are dealing with people in separate living arrangements. Three of my friends also dealt with their aging parents - all had siblings, none of those siblings lived locally so they were doing most of it alone. Being part of a family doesn not mean that everyone pulls together.

The only way you are going to cope with what is to come is if you develop some resilience and deal with it in a calm and rational way. Looking for others who feel as you do is not healthy, and will not help you.

My parents would be appalled if they thought I was wallowing in grief, writing blogs about how sad and awful my life was, how I would never come to terms with losing them and that my life was now meaningless.

Thank you - that's all fair enough. The only issue is that I do encounter other only children in 'real life' too and they have similar feelings. I don't go deliberately looking for them. They are people I meet at work, that kind of thing.

People at work (not just only children) talk constantly about supporting their elderly parents and how much they do for them. This is very triggering knowing that when I am old, I will be alone. From what I hear, it is absolutely impossible to negotiate old age on your own.

P. S the only child you talk about who lost their parent on the other side of the world probably doesn't feel the same way as I do because she has family! I.e her own child. She is not alone. That is the point.

This is very triggering knowing that when I am old, I will be alone. From what I hear, it is absolutely impossible to negotiate old age on your own.

Oh, come on. You've heard on this thread the opposite.

I actually don't know any older people who aren't on their own. Seeing some later today. Shall I tell them their lives are "impossible to negotiate"?

There are threads on here saying that life is impossible when you are old if you do not have an advocate. Things like you won't receive proper care because staff will know you have nobody looking out for you.

That is presupposing you reach the stage of needing an advocate.

It's things like that which have convinced me I will be abused when I am old. I know of an old person who had no family and her carer stole from her.

Oh yes, absolutely. I appreciate that. Although in that case the positive (I.e that I die young) is actually quite a negative.

No, the positive is that many people do not reach the stage of needing an advocate, despite being of great old age.

I suppose that could be the case if they die very suddenly at an old age. I am not sure how often that happens though? My elderly relatives have all had an illness and decline of at least a few months.

I do understand why that counsellor cracked under your relentless obsession, selfpity, and intractable negativity around the process of growing older.