To feel angry at how few people make a plan for their own old age

[OptimismvsRealism]

We are all going to end up in a bad way unless we're lucky enough to drop down dead unexpectedly

Why do most people live in denial?

Exactly

The thing is you don't know anything about this poster. She could have had a happy life and childhood, she could have a family and partner of her own, close friends and supportive network. She could actually be coping quite well with her grief and posted this at a particular moment of time where she felt maybe felt overwhelmed. Of course losing your parents will be upsetting, but you won't be spending every day wallowing on the sofa paralysed with grief. You'll find a way to move through the pain because you have to, life moves on.

And I'm going to be brutally honest as I see you post on thread after thread looking for reassurance and posting about how awful your life is going to be. The pain of losing parents isn't something that is unique to only children, people with siblings struggle with this too. While I am not minimising the grief you will feel when your parents pass, an only child who has had both their parents live into well adulthood before the die is quite frankly not the worst thing in the world. Not by a long stretch. Some people lose their parents at a very young age. I really would try and get some perspective on your situation whether that be through professional means.

You say you have a partner and friends and two parenrs so you've already got a lot in your life that you should be grateful for. Instead of telling yourself you're going to have this awful sad lonely life and wasting time looking for evidence of why this will be, you should be spending your life being productive, living your life and perhaps actually seeking some professional support

I can empathise you've got anxiety and this does make things difficult but I've found some of your posts on this thread quite offensive and down right unhealthy. Telling people they need to go build a support network because they are over 60 and implying that parents who have kids older or have only children are setting their kids up for a lifetime of unhappiness and misfortune is offensive. You have no idea of people situation and just because you have struggled with your own situation, doesn't mean others will.

Thank you - those are all very valid points.

I don't think I have been particularly offensive. To the poster over 60 I only made a suggestion - I didn't 'tell' her to do anything. I phrased it quite gently.

And to the parents of only children / older parents, I haven't said anything to anyone directly. I've simply shared my thoughts and experiences, just like everyone else has on this thread. I have been contacted privately by people in my situation who have thanked me for sharing my thoughts and said that I have helped them (especially with some of my other threads). My contribution is just as valid and useful as anyone elses.

@Senzafine But I do thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it is appreciated.

Thank you - you understand. I am sorry to hear you have been struggling too.

@Strawberriesandpears I don't mean any offense either but I have also found your posts a little upsetting to read at times and as someone who is an only child can say that they don't help me. I believe in trying to find solutions to problems, not in thinking up worst case scenarios that may not happen. I also see little point in looking for content online that you are know is going to trigger and upset you further, that is emotional self harm. I do wish you the best but I don't think fear mongering other people time after time is the way to go

That's fair enough and I am sorry that I have caused upset. I've made myself feel even worse now to be honest, so I've had my comeuppance.

There's a woman in her 70s who runs a whole blog on this stuff, posting how hard her life is and how miserable she is. That's what set me off on this whole journey and now I am just doing the same to others - I am sorry.

My self funded DM was in a care home that accepted LA funded residents - maybe half were LA. But it was an excellent care home so we didn’t begrudge it.

Although having said that, I do think some parents of only children completely underestimate what it's like to find yourself alone later in life (especially if they aren't only children themselves). I know other only children my age (and younger) who are already supporting aging parents and struggle with anxiety and depression directly related to the situation. That's why I am so passionate about the issue and why I think it is so important for parents to plan ahead (appreciating however that coming up with a plan is not easy either).

Obviously not everyone will have the same experience (and I am glad about that), but for those who do, it's extremely challenging. It isn't just me - it's people who I speak to on here and people I know in 'real life'.

My only question and it's my last time posting because it's frustrating to read someone go on and on like a broken record, is why you keep reading this blog. Some of us on here have already asked you why you do when it so clearly upsets you. If I know something will upset me I don't read it. That's all I'm saying on the subject because I'm just getting annoyed and frustrated

I read it because it's probably the truth about what lies ahead, and in some way it has a positive impact because at least I am not now 'sleep walking' into the situation, and I can try to make changes (even if they can't fully 'solve' the problem).

Anyway, I am off now too. I am genuinely sorry for any upset and frustration I have caused.

@Strawberriesandpears I don't understand why would you want to spend time reading a blog about someone in their 70s who just posts about how hard and miserable her life is. She might feel this way her life but it isn't your life and while we can't control what happens to us, we can mostly control how we react to it.

Reading these things and telling yourself that your life is going to turn out this way isn't doing you any favours.

I have cousins who are only children, family friends of all ages who are only children. Some of them are in their 70s and have parents lone gone and some of them have had only children themselves. I have also have a family friend in their 60s who is an only child with no parents or kids of their own. A few weeks ago he sent us pictures of him on safari in Africa. None of these people are sitting wallowing around about how awful and lonely their life is. Life is for the living and its up to you how you want to live it.

No, it isn't the truth of what lies ahead. You can be as miserable as you choose, but it is not any kind of truth for anyone else. You've had multiple older posters tell you, in the nicest way possible, you are... misguided and/or deluding yourself, and seeming to relish in it, which I find very odd.

I'm sorry OP. You don't sound as though you are in a good place. I hope you are ok. Things are unimaginably hard for a lot of people at the moment.

@Senzafine Thank you, I do agree. And thank you also for sharing the positive story about the family friend.

@strawberryteacake Thank you too. I don't relish in it though. I have OCD and repetitive intrusive thoughts are hard to shake. I have tried to seek counselling but it hasn't helped. I am also the kind of person who is very hard on themselves and I am a huge worrier (always have been - it is part of my nature).

One counsellor I spoke to suggested I investigate euthanasia (at Dignitas) for when I am older. It was hard to hear that.

@Strawberriesandpears a good counsellor would give you coping strategies to help with your anxiety. I can't understand how that helped at all.

And again this will be my last post because I don't want to sound like a broken record too. But I don't understand your point about parents of only children. There are a 101 reasons why people only have one child and many people can't have more than one. Many parents sadly have two have children only to have one maybe pass away when younger?

What exactly is it you want parents of only children to do? Should people not have children incase they only have one? I really see don't your point and as someone who may only be able to have one, I find it quite offensive to imply I've set my child to be disadvantaged in life.

Parents can't shield their child from every hardship and grief in life and I refuse to be held responsible for how my child might react to my passing when they are an adult. It's my job as a parent to give them a safe, secure and happy childhood and install in them good values and the life skills to ensure help them build relationships with others and to help them be resilient to adversities in life. You can't blame your parents for your situation in life. Yes you're an only child and don't have siblings and I understand that causes some sadness but it's up to YOU how you life going forward.

Oh yes, absolutely agreed. On balance I think it is better to have a sibling, however there is clearly nuance in that.

It is the reason I will never have a child now (the worry that I may only be able to have one) and that I'd leave them with no extended family. It does have an impact down the line. If an only child marries another only child it means no aunties, uncles or cousins for their child. So yes, it is something I think people should take into consideration, recognising of course that siblings don't always guarantee a happy relationship or extended family for your own children. If they don't exist at all though, there is no chance of it.

Same with supporting elderly parents. People will argue that 'it is all left to one sibling anyway' and of course that may well be the case. However again, if there is no sibling you are guaranteed to be on your own with it. Of all the people I have witnessed supporting elderly parents and then going through their deaths, their siblings have been a great support and comfort (and continue to be). I am guaranteed not to have that. It is a fact and it causes me anxiety.

I agree that being an only child is usually to the detriment of the only child. But when caring for elderly parents it means you are in control of things (provided you don't let the parent get in control first of course)

I am an immigrant. My DC have been brought up without any family around them. My sister also emigrated. My mum has no support. I don't have any either.

Them's the breaks for many of us who didn't have opportunities in our country of birth. Your thought process is very, very weird @Strawberriesandpears. I don;t feel guilty about any of it.

Yeah, but it sounds like your children have had siblings to grow up with? Therefore extended family is not quite as important?

Thank you and agreed!

I have siblings and they have no contact with my child and won't have cousins probably. Others fill that gap for them. I have a "cousin" who infact is a family friend and they are an only child of an only child. They werent lonely growinf up Others filled the gap of family and relationships were just as close and in fact she was a closer cousin to me than my own biological cousins. You can build an extended family from one you choose. I'd never let you put off having a child.

My siblings won't provide any comfort to me when my parents pass so I'm in the same boat as you as I'm not in contact with them. I don't feel in the least bit sad about it as support comes from other areas. I'm in a unique position as I assess older for people for care so I know how the system works and how to access support and what is out there for when the time comes.

I will promise I'll stop going about it but I feel sad you have such a black and white view of this all.

My dad is from a family of 11 and doesn't see any of them from one end of the year to the next and I don't even know many of my cousin's past a superficial level, he often says strangers have treated him better than his own family.

Yes, I have two DC but they are 4.5 years apart and not close. They may not be a support for each other as they are quite different by nature, and one wants to leave the UK.

You really can't remove every grief and loneliness from your DC's life, or indeed your parents' lives. For my mum, I am paying for some care in her own house-cheaper than in the UK- and I visit her as often as I can. Such is life really.

I feel this thread has a number of posters who are desperately searching for reasons to make themselves miserable, before there is any concrete reason to.
The repeated suggestions of euthanasia are a bit odd. I don;t know anyone who has opted for euthanasia. It's the kind of thing people say, but don't do.