Ostracised for staying at private school

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Please be kind. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. We are in the VERY fortunate position where we can send our son to private school which is a few minutes drive from our home. We are the only people in the village to do this, the rest use the (very lovely) state primary. Since DS started in January, people who went to the same nursery as him have completely cut me off! At first I thought it was coincidence but last week I eventually confided in a woman at the park and she bluntly said that perhaps it was my decision to separate DS from their kids. She was trying to be understanding as far as I could tell and I asked if she would invite me to the next lunch, she said she would. But today I’ve seen a few of the mums all waking round the village together so again I’ve been excluded. I don’t get it? I feel really alone as I am a SAHP and DP works long hours, often not back until gone 8pm. I love having girlfriends, I can’t seem to meet any at DS’s school as the vast majority board there. I feel really upset and now really wish we had stuck with the local school and DS still had his friends from nursery. Has anyone navigated this before? I don’t know what to go but can’t go on feeling like the odd one out in such a small place.

Hardly bullying

And "nasty witches"? Ironic

Sounds like jealousy, people get jealous or bitter over the smallest things. Me personally I wouldn't care if they excluded me but if it bothering you maybe invite everyone round for a BBQ or arrange a street party

OP, find another way to interact with ladies in the village. Join a class, or local gym. Don't get upset, just carry on as usual.

Most people really aren't that bothered about which school children go to.

My ds is at private and I don't have any issue with friends locally, but I didn't make friends at the school gate, I met them through parkrun and karate and volunteering for the local parish.

This is likely nothing to do with private school. My twins have moved school twice and each time I’ve been ‘let go’ from the mum’s clan even though I’m still in close proximity and the twins were friendly with their kids. They are groups based on schools.

Move your son to the state school if you wish to still solidly benefit from the community.

What don't you get? It sounds completely normal to me. Think of it this way - if you worked for a couple of years in a particular job where you made fairly good friends with co-workers, but then you moved to a different job, would you expect them include you in all their work socials? To my mind that would be very odd. Their socialising is based on seeing each other at the school gates and on day to day conversations - as they mum at the park said, you've chosen to move your son away from that so what do you expect? The same thing often happens when children go different secondary schools - parent friendships fall away.

If you really want friends you should choose someone you like and form a friendship that doesn't depend on the school gates.

We were pretty much in the same position. I definitely think people perceived it as a criticism. We had lots of ‘but what’s wrong with the village school’ type of questions.

Our school is about 25 minutes away so some of the families live an hour away. What works for our class is a group of us go for coffee after drop off once a week at a nearby coffee shop. You definitely need to put yourself out there though and ask if anybody else would like to join you for a coffee. This has led to dinners, play dates on holidays etc…

This.

Mum whose son went to private school constantly boasts how well he's doing, how good he is at x, y or z and tells me I really ought to consider sending my child like I can magic up the money. Totally lacking any awareness.

Completely backed away from her. It's boring and I also don't give a crap how well her kid is doing.

If you're like that then there's your reason.

It may be nothing to do with your choice of school. One assumes you are no longer around at the nursery/school run. When I was SAHM lots of coffees walks etc were arrange on the spur of the moment at the gates. The same with play dates.

I live in an over grown village or small town with 3 Primary Schools and a Prep School near by. At the time were no full time nursery places locally. My D C went to morning sesdions at a village pre school. When they went to primary school some children from nursery went to various other Primary schools and done to the prep. They met children from all over the overgrown village at school.
They kept up with friends from nursery etc at beavers, brownies. Church groups etc.

I am not originally from this area but still meet up with friends I made from Baby Sitting Circle, PTA, Nursery etc.
It takes a bit of effort. We have monthly mums nights at our children are 30!!

If you want to stay friends try being proactive in your new school and acquaintances from the Nursery. Arrange a coffee morning or lunch.

Get involved in the village life.
Hopefully your son can maintain local friendships through clubs etc.

My DS was a groomsman for one of his friends who he met at nursery. He went to state schools and his friend went independent.
They remained friends through the Scout Movement and the Tennis Club.

Honestly it’s just that you’ve dropped off the radar a bit. The school parents at mine are generally nice but I haven’t made any friends to hang out with by myself (I know theres a group who have). It doesn’t really bother me, I’m pretty busy tbh and don’t really have the energy to invest in a social life.

Having said that we still occasionally go to a party of playdate from Dd’s nursery she left 2 years ago because they are really nice people. None of them are my friends really but the kids got on fine. Partly this is because of overlapping clubs. My advice would be to make sure your kid is attending some local clubs, it should help. I would always invite a local kid, even if they weren’t at my kids school anymore because I have a bit of a more the merrier attitude and tend to be quite inclusive. Some people aren’t like that, don’t take it personally.

I think the problem is in primary parents are heavily involved so it’s easy to feel rejected or left out. But honestly come secondary most of these relationships will slowly fade anyway. Your problem is that you are in a small village where the opportunities for making friends through kids is limited. Join a book group or exercise class instead.

Try and find some friends that aren’t just related to your DC. Join some clubs/a gym/classes or do some voluntary work to meet some nice people.

It’s like leaving work, you say you will keep in touch but in reality with most people you have nothing in common when you no longer work together.

This was inevitable.

You have not been ostracised. These are not real friends. They are mums with young kids who have play dates because their children play together and sometimes there is a spin off social from that.

I don’t know the reason why you chose the school you did but by chosing it you have made the potential friendship pool much smaller for your son and by extension you. Firstly, because he’s now a day pupil at a school where most kids either board or live far away. Secondly, because you left the group of established friendships at a very young age. Very few nursery friendships survive if you go to different schools unless the parents were already exceptionally close in their own right.

It also sounds like you expect your social life to revolve around your child’s friend’s mothers only, you need to make a life of your own and meet people who are also not working but not necessarily whose kids wants to be friends with your kid. The likelihood of you finding a mother and child who clicks with both of you on a friendship level is harder than just finding individual friends.

You need to make friends independent of your child , volunteer , get a pt job or take some courses which will allow you to meet like minded people . Having a kid in the same school year is not a great basis for a friendship .

Seems like you sending your dc to private has triggered their insecurities. Just cut them off. Private schools do tend to have communities — just mention to the head / your child’s teacher that you’d like to arrange a few playdates with other day pupils or meet their parents.

You need to remember that for wealthy parents drives of 45mins or so is nothing as they often do so on their own way to work etc. DS goes to private and there are mums who drive an hour each way for school & go out of their way for playdates / holidays etc. you just need to meet them.

I've yet to see a cliquier and bitchier group than school mums
I'm sorry if you've had a bad experience with 'school mums'. I've had bad experiences at Uni and in the workplace but I don't go about denigrating everyone who attends Uni and has a job. You are tarring a whole group of people with the same brush just because of your own negative experience.
Repeat after me: some of my school mum friends are actually my friends. We are friends outwith our children going to the same school. It doesn't make me a bitch.

OP, is your DS in Reception and most other kids that age board? That is very unusual.

All you can do is be the one to invite one or more of the mums you were closest to for lunch/walk/playdate.
Don't sit back waiting for them to invite you and feel bad if they don't.

I do agree that sometimes these friendships are situational. And you're no longer in the same situation.

Do you all live very close and did you previously socialize a lot?

You may need to find other ways to spend time - work, hobbies, volunteering, sport or gym - and make connections that way.

Your school sounds awful, thankfully most schools aren't like this.

OP, I have DC at a state primary school. When DD started in reception, there was a parent who very quickly moved her DS to a private school nearby. (It was the right decision for him, for a variety of reasons. I say this just so you know that when we did, perhaps inevitably, lose contact, it wasn’t down to being precious/inverted snobbery.) Initially we — the ‘state’ reception mums — tried to keep in touch, as did she (later in reception, she invited both his state and private primary classes to his birthday party!), but ultimately it just trailed off because we lost that common denominator of school. By which I mean it might not be intentional. There’ll be a class WhatsApp group, for example, and someone will post something about meeting up on there. They might not think to then message you too. If you want to be included, I think you just have to work extra hard. I’m sorry, though, because I know it feels rubbish when you feel you’re being excluded.

These were friends of convienience OP, for both you and them. Now your child is not within the same circles it just doesn’t make sense for them to put in the same amount of effort as you were only friends via your children.

Haven’t RTFT. Most friendships are centred around convenience. I live in a village and have a lot of friends, they all had babies around the same time and go to the local schools. Whenever I see them it’s clear they all hang out a lot without me, have WhatsApp groups that exclude me, etc. it’s just the way it is, our paths have diverged. Hopefully they will come back round again once the kids are older and we have shared interests again.

The mums need to get a giant grip then.

I agree with this. Plus I fundamentally disagree with private schools so would assume our interests don't align.

If you think like this then I guess you are just like them. There are many reasons people might choose the private school that have nothing to do with feeling they are better than others