Ostracised for staying at private school

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Please be kind. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. We are in the VERY fortunate position where we can send our son to private school which is a few minutes drive from our home. We are the only people in the village to do this, the rest use the (very lovely) state primary. Since DS started in January, people who went to the same nursery as him have completely cut me off! At first I thought it was coincidence but last week I eventually confided in a woman at the park and she bluntly said that perhaps it was my decision to separate DS from their kids. She was trying to be understanding as far as I could tell and I asked if she would invite me to the next lunch, she said she would. But today I’ve seen a few of the mums all waking round the village together so again I’ve been excluded. I don’t get it? I feel really alone as I am a SAHP and DP works long hours, often not back until gone 8pm. I love having girlfriends, I can’t seem to meet any at DS’s school as the vast majority board there. I feel really upset and now really wish we had stuck with the local school and DS still had his friends from nursery. Has anyone navigated this before? I don’t know what to go but can’t go on feeling like the odd one out in such a small place.

This. It can be difficult- we have had similar where a child in DCs class ‘went private’ and wanted to stay in touch. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the mum or judged her decisions at all but I’m busy with work and 2 kids and hobbies etc and I’d rather plow my limited socialising time and energy into the mums I see often and can meet with the kids who are friends than with someone who in your mind has moved on/away.

Why on earth would you want to be friends with people who would treat you like that based on a decision you made in the best interests of your child ?

There is more variety, yes. More schools and more diversity and different ideas. People can be friends if they make different choices lol.

Also, if that group did let you join their gatherings the conversation would regularly turn to school when you were out. Either you will feel excluded as they won’t moderate it for you, or they will be polite and stick to neutral subjects but get frustrated that they can’t talk about the school with a “stranger” among them. Or they will have to explain all the detail and acronyms and in-jokes and that will get tedious for them very quickly.

I like the idea of thinking of school parents like colleagues, as someone said above.

Also, I bet your husband doesn’t give a monkeys that the nursery parents don’t want to be mates with him any more.

The village Mums are not offering you an 'in' to their gang. You've asked, they've tacitly declined.
Primary school 'Mum friends' are pretty ephemeral and you've kind of changed tribes by going to another school. I don't think they're going to include you.
I live in a village and some groups are definitely more cliquey than others.
If you want local friends then I suggest you take up some local hobbies or interests or volunteering.

''The Village Mums''

Crikey- that sounds like a clique I'd not want to be part of.

The vast majority board, but they can’t board until 7, but your son is 6.
Is this some kind of logic problem? 🤪
Is he in a class of 3 with everyone else joining at 7 (to board) then?
Here you are worried about your friendships piggy backing on the mothers of his peers, what about friendships where day pupils are in the minority and live 45 minutes away?

Where are your pre-child friendships?

I doubt the “school mums” are deliberately excluding you. Often play dates are arranged because children are at school together, or for a daytime coffee, they’re jumping on a Whatsapp group that doubles as a “school stuff” group (anyone got this week’s spelling sheet? I’ve lost it!)

If you want to make friends, follow your interests.

The state is ''Brilliant''...But not brilliant enough for your child.

That is how the other mothers will have seen it.

I think this is ridiculous.
My DD had three good friends at nursery. Two of them went to different primary schools, one went to the same one as my DD. All state schools.

We see that child, and I see that child's parents, way more. Not because we're excluding them, but because we see each other every morning, our children spend all day together, we go to the same birthday parties etc.
Our DDs did invite the nursery friends to their birthdays, but obviously they aren't at other school birthday parties. I will often end up walking back home after school drop off with this other mother (we both wfh), so naturally we have got to know each other better.

No one is a jealous bitch, a cliquey cow, a spiteful witch, or whatever other nonsense has been said on this thread. It's just circumstance.

Also as a SAHM to a 6yo, if you’re lacking actual interaction - get a job! You sound like you’re in a nice situation of not financially needing one, so you can look for something based on interests not necessity.

There probably quite a bit that just comes out of practically. School mums see each other regularly and plans arise. Groups drift based on common interests.

What have you done to Mai Tain the friendships since nursery/ over the holidays before school started. Did you organise play dates, catch ups and coffees and they didn't come? Or have you juts waited around to be invited?

You’ve taken your kid out of the local
community and are now annoyed you aren’t included? That’s a bit tough.
They’re probably busy, and a lot at the at age is as-hoc cos you see people on the school run etc
Also, a BOARDING school, that age? Sorry, but those kids are going to be F-d up … is that what you really want for your child?

I don't think it's anything personal. We live in London and the children at my son's nursery ended up in a range of schools (mostly state). The ones we stayed in touch with are the ones who went to the same school because we see each other every day and our children request playdates together.

Surely the way forward is to focus on friendships at the school your child is now attending?

I mean this kindly OP, and I am sure you had many valid reasons for sending your DC to his school, but if making local friends was a priority for you then you have made a strange choice by cutting yourself off from one of the main local communities. You will need to engage with some other community activities to make up for the lack of engagement in the school community. Is there a WI or mother's union in the village? Don't laugh, they aren't all jam and Jerusalem and some are quite young!

You aren’t in UK then. Are you in your own country or ex pats? If latter are their groups to join to make friends that way.
Mum friends are often transitory like work colleagues

Maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like your waiting for them to contact you. Have you tried arranging things with them?
My DC went to a different secondary school to the DC of my Mum friends from primary school we stay in touch but we're all pretty strict about arranging things regularly because we don't have the incidental meet ups we did at the school.

There’s no way that I could have maintained many non-school parent get together as at primary, not with a job and 2 kids.
I did the kid/parent stuff with the school mum and dad’s and the ‘grown up’stuff with a whole other set of friends entirely. I’m not sure I would have had room in my head to remember to invite parent A from the other school to everything separately though s/he would have been welcome if they’d have asked to come to the Friday after school whatever…

Im not surprised to be honest. It sounds odd but try not to take it too personally, as PPs have said it's much more likely that the shared school is the biggest thing these mums have in common.

Relying on school mums as your main friendship group is a very risky strategy anyway and can go tits up at any moment for all sorts of reasons. Cast your net wide and you will make new friends from a range of activities.

You’re being silly. Your son doesn’t go to the same school as all these other children, most mums chat at the gate and form friendships. If you’re not there then unfortunately these mums are basically going to forget about you. It’s likely nothing personal, you are just not part of their circle now.

You seem bored and lonely, maybe volunteer at your son’s school and try to make friends with the parents there. Not all can be borders surely?

Someone in my family was very similar to you. The local state primary was great but their little girl wasn't thriving. Didnt have additional needs but was very, very shy and suited more structure so they made the decision to move her to private. It was not a comment on the school and they sacrificed everything to make it happen. The vitriol was shocking. She got poison pen letters and friendships never recovered. It was shocking because their older child had been at the primary right through and was at a state high school so it wasn't as if they thought they were too good for state.

In small rural communities drama can thrive (saying that as someone in that community).

Anyway its probably not in your head and sorry you are going through that. In the end my relative found a new community through an art hobby and her life is better without petty people

The person who said that parent friends are like work colleagues is spot on. That is exactly how I see parent friends - we are people who were thrown together at a particular place in a particular time to do a job together.

I would say that I have 4 types of work colleagues:-

1. Completely cordial - work together well, have a perfectly pleasant chat but if they left tomorrow I would struggle to remember them in a year or so.
2. Friendly colleagues - work together well, have fun together, have in jokes, really enjoy their company but don’t really socialise outside of work
3. Friendly - socialise together outside work although if they or I moved jobs then we would undoubtedly drift apart
4. True friends - these are people who I happen to have met at work but who are now a big part of my life.

4 is really rare. In 20 years of working I probably have about 6 people like that.

It sounds like you were in group 3 with the other mums so now you don’t have the day to day in common you are drifting apart.

Something does not add up. Your child is 6 but only left Nursery at Christmas? Or did he go to the primary for a bit or are you not in UK? I find it very hard to believe that so many children are boarders, I have a relative with a child who boarded from 8 and she said that nationally the number of boarders in the younger years has nosedived in the past decade. I therefore cannot believe that the school your child attends has so many. I think you have made it seem to your neighbours that the local school isn't good enough for your child. You have decided to other yourself. I think you need to try harder to get to know the parents of the children at the private school. There must be parents in your situation. You have admitted there is no boarding until 7 so all your child's class mates must be day pupils.

Kids drift apart if they go to different schools, unless they do clubs together. Stop reading more into it. My DC1 had a best friend from nursery and they went to different state primaries. We had play dates for a year and then it just stopped. They just move on. DC2 best friend form nursery is in her brownies so we have gone out sometimes.

You need to concentrate on new friends from the new school.

Oh wow I’m not sure I’d agree with a school that did that!! Maybe the locals don’t like the whole aspect of it.

But are you happy with the school? Is your son happy?

I’m glad to say that my state school mum friends stayed my friends all through secondary even though my son was the only one to go private. The only comments I ever got were if they had the money they’d do the same (the local state school wasn’t great). Never got a single derisory comment. It’s not a tiny village though (I did live in one briefly before children and hated the claustrophobic vibe).

I’ll edit that as I remember the only derisory comment I got was from an anti-private school friend who ended up putting her child in private because of relentless bullying at the state). I never said a word 😁