Ostracised for staying at private school

[LessorMore]

Please be kind. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. We are in the VERY fortunate position where we can send our son to private school which is a few minutes drive from our home. We are the only people in the village to do this, the rest use the (very lovely) state primary. Since DS started in January, people who went to the same nursery as him have completely cut me off! At first I thought it was coincidence but last week I eventually confided in a woman at the park and she bluntly said that perhaps it was my decision to separate DS from their kids. She was trying to be understanding as far as I could tell and I asked if she would invite me to the next lunch, she said she would. But today I’ve seen a few of the mums all waking round the village together so again I’ve been excluded. I don’t get it? I feel really alone as I am a SAHP and DP works long hours, often not back until gone 8pm. I love having girlfriends, I can’t seem to meet any at DS’s school as the vast majority board there. I feel really upset and now really wish we had stuck with the local school and DS still had his friends from nursery. Has anyone navigated this before? I don’t know what to go but can’t go on feeling like the odd one out in such a small place.

@LessorMore - I know you haven't said what your "other reasons" are for using that school rather than your local primary. They are absolutely none of my business and I'm absolutely not asking you to explain. But it does occur to me that if they are religious or cultural reasons, the result may have been to "other" you as far as the local mums are concerned. Even something like a Quaker school might cause that sort of response.

Surely it’s not that hard to understand that the friendships that were forged at nursery were only going to continue to grow when those people are seeing each other in the schools playground every day and navigating all the new things that come with starting school. I don’t understand why you seem so puzzled tbh. Its easy to make plans when you naturally see people frequently and they probably want to be able to chat about school stuff without feeling like they’re excluding you or having to listen to stuff about your private school which is irrelevant to them.

The majority of school mum friendships are based on having the same thing in common at then same time or about making sure their child has play dates, rather than being a deal and meaningful lifelong relationship.

OP, did you move your child out due to difficulties coping in a large mainstream class/mental health difficulties?

You were in a group of people with one thing in common, kids who went to the same school. Your decision to move your child naturally ended your belonging in that group. You need to either get in with the parents in the private school, or find a new group locally that you actually still have something in common with. Any hobby groups in the village?

My DD had a friend who went to the same primary but private secondary and still lives nearby. They have stayed in touch to an extent – and especially so when they were at the same out of school groups – but it really does take more effort.

You're no longer seeing each other at the school gate, or happening to go to the same playground after school - unless you particularly make the effort of doing that. Can you invite your DC's nursery friends round for play dates after school or at weekends? Can they join local clubs?

I'm sorry you're facing so much envy and spitefulness on this thread OP. Your reasons for moving your son to a private school are valid and yours alone. Parents are the primary educators of their children, and thus have every right to decide which type of school their child should attend.

Having said that, I also hope the other school Mums you were in touch with previously haven't ceased contact because of your decision. I am more inclined to agree with previous posters, and argue their reason for doing so is to maintain contact with the other parents of children in the same class/school as their own child.

I really hope you're married, even though you said 'DP'. If not, please consider the high risk situation of being a SAHP, especially when your partner is a very high earner.

It's probably nothing to do with the state/private divide, just that now you're not at the same school, they have little in common with you. All they have in common with each other is probably the school their kids go to, so as one or two of them move to other schools inevitably, they will also drift.

As pps are saying, school mum friendships are like colleagues - mostly just for the short-term. They're quite strong when the kids are primary aged, but once they hit secondary, it all drifts off really.

Get yourself involved in other things locally instead.

You need to put some serious effort in and widen your net @LessorMore.

We chose Private for DD for Secondary and I lost what I considered to be close friends over it.
I was very very careful not to slag off the State school and maybe some of it was natural drift but I was really upset at the time.
Now I appreciate that those weren't real friendships and the people who remained my friend when our DDs went to different schools were my genuine friends

The other thing to bear in mind is that your DC won’t have much interest in playing with his nursery friends. At that age kids don’t really have strong friendship bonds, it’s mostly based on being in the same childcare setting at the same time. My son could barely remember the names of his preschool friends after the first term of Reception.

Its a tough one OP. Some people will read your decision as saying what's good enough for their DC isn't good enough for yours, which in truth, is the case. You are doing it because you think its 'better' (than their chikds education) this erects a barrier. Its also true that some people do judge those who use private education die to a clash of principles, and will maybe see you in a different light. That said, I do think it's unfortunate that none if the women were able to get past this and continue the friendship with you. Which would make me question whether they were real friends. I know my friends do things I don't care for but they're still my friends. Changing your DSs school is drastic as I'm sure you thought hard about the decision and did what's best for him and that should always be your priority. Groups who exclude someone are generally not good groups anyway and it would be a shame to disrupt your DS only to find this out later. I feel for you though.

If you choose to take your child away from all the other children in the area, you can't be entirely surprised that it has negative social consequences, surely?

Completely agree with @Mumofteenandtween

They are not and never were real friends. School gate/nursery friends are like colleagues - they move on when your child does. A few may convert to real friends but regardless of schools you're expectations are too high.

Eeek!

I totally see their pov.
Beyond the obvious stuff… you also won’t be au fait with their “school life” so there’s less to chat about.

surely there was SOME school chat when they were 3 and applications were happening????

bluntly you have kind of fucked this up for yourself.
your son won’t care but you seem to need those friendships…
Especially as you are sahm…You must be bored out of your mind now he is in school!?!

the best you are going to manage is to try and find some kids in your sons class that don’t live in Saudi Arabia etc. and make friends with those mums.

I’m really surprised if you have a nice village school you didn’t go for “state until 8”…

I dislike the vitriolic attitude towards “school gate mums” on principle. This usually comes from people who are bitter and pissed about the fact that they didn’t get an instant social life gifted on a plate.

But I think your predicament probably has more to do with the fact you have lost that commonality with the mums than an active desire to ostracise you. School mums are busy and tired and don’t have much bandwidth to go outside the day to day routine for friendships. Unless something has been said I would put it down to expediency and convenience rather than spite.

My DD went to a private secondary after the local state primary and I know for a fact that a couple of the parents of some of her friends disapproved on principle of private school (as is their right). We talked about it and they acknowledged that they wouldn’t have chosen this for their children but understood why I had taken the decision for mine. This kind of situation can bring emotional discomfort and politics to the surface in a way which is uncomfortable. But people will judge others for all sorts of reasons and ultimately they have the right to do that. You can’t change that.

All you can do is decouple the political perspective from the human relationship and carry both as best you can. If they are decent people then ultimately it will be something you can get past. If not then it’s a friendship of expediency anyway and not one to cry over.

I doubt they're deliberately doing it, did you know them before/outside of nursery? They probably just think of you as one of the nursery mums and now you've chosen a different school they have nothing in common with you. I'm afraid that's just how it happens. Make friends at the new school.

@TemuSpecialBuy

bluntly you have kind of fucked this up for yourself.

Seriously?

So you think a fleeting, convenience friendship group is more important than the OP’s kids education? And classy dig at SAHMs there too.

Honestly if they are really this shallow it sounds like she is better off distancing herself from them.

I'd invite different ones over for playmates or park meet ups and get the lie of the land.

Is there anyone you gelled with that you could ask if they want to grab a coffee while kids are in school?

Otherwise I'd loom at volunteering or getting involved in groups where you will meet different people with or without kids

But you said he just moved over from nursery, so he moved what, 3 years ago?

That's rotten. Not sure they are friends worth having to be honest. Forget about them and build bridges with the mums at your child's school.

I live in a village and have found that if you don't do what everyone else does you get 'othered' a bit.

We get it because we're not pub fans. I'm also not going to join the WI or play bowls etc. Someone asked me outright why we bothered moving to here if we weren't going to get involved in village life. Simple answer, we liked the house and the village school is nice.

The other thing I'd say is that when it comes to kids, people can be awfully competitive and they really don't like it if they think they're being one-upped. Around here it's absolutely fine to shout across the hills if a child is eg picked for a football academy but anything academic is a huge no-no. Our DS is off to grammar in September and we've had some frostiness directed at us, for sure.

Just ignore it, OP. They sound like nobs, anyway. Imagine being that petty over someone else's choices for their kid.

Why do your friends have to be local school mums?

You say you're a SAHM and you're bored when your child is at school and your DH is at work.

Perfect time to join groups/hobbies etc and meet new friends.

Op if I. Honest I think you’re exaggerating the amount of tots boarding, and it’s more you’ve failed to make friends with the parents in his current school, either due to distance or some other reason you’re not revealing,

have you no other friends, if this is you’re bored,and lonely. Then look into either working or volunteering. Or join the pta.