Ostracised for staying at private school

[LessorMore]

Please be kind. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. We are in the VERY fortunate position where we can send our son to private school which is a few minutes drive from our home. We are the only people in the village to do this, the rest use the (very lovely) state primary. Since DS started in January, people who went to the same nursery as him have completely cut me off! At first I thought it was coincidence but last week I eventually confided in a woman at the park and she bluntly said that perhaps it was my decision to separate DS from their kids. She was trying to be understanding as far as I could tell and I asked if she would invite me to the next lunch, she said she would. But today I’ve seen a few of the mums all waking round the village together so again I’ve been excluded. I don’t get it? I feel really alone as I am a SAHP and DP works long hours, often not back until gone 8pm. I love having girlfriends, I can’t seem to meet any at DS’s school as the vast majority board there. I feel really upset and now really wish we had stuck with the local school and DS still had his friends from nursery. Has anyone navigated this before? I don’t know what to go but can’t go on feeling like the odd one out in such a small place.

True @letsgoooo but it would still mean that our values system were completely mis-aligned.

How can you assert that without knowing what the reasons are?
You can't. So you are making a decision based on the fact that they are going private regardless if the reason.

Hi OP, sorry that you are feeling as you do, I can understand why and the problem is exacerbated by you living in a small village. It's important to remember that parent groups tend to mingle and socialise with fellow parents from the same school; hence why you have been omitted. I'm confident that it has nothing to do with your son being at a private school. If that's the case, that isn't your problem, it's theirs. As you are a SAHM, you have no working colleagues to socialise with . This contributes to you wanting to be involved with the other mums. I don't have any magic solutions other than to join whatever you can, as long as it is in reasonable distance.
Take care, you sound hurt and upset and that is horrible

This.

im sorry @LessorMore that sounds so hurtful

we had similar, kids met in nursery then both in good local primary schools but different villages, the play dates vanished >poof!< as the mother - someone I thought of as a friend - wanted to focus on cultivating relationships with people at the village school her dc was going to.

if it were me, I would have continued to socialise because good friends are worth staying in touch with.

Indeed @letsgoooo but I'm going on the info given here which means our values don't align.

I'm really wondering why you've sent your child to this school, surrounded by children abandoned by their parents at such a young age. Personally I think this is abuse. Are they happy kids? These kids are now your DS's friends, but they provide you with no social network of parents to tap into. He needs to do some local activities in the evenings or weekends to make friends locally. And yes, you're probably going to have to join the PTA and travel to meet other parents.

As others have said, it’s most likely because of convenience. I already have my work friends, long-standing friends, school mum friends and friends from my hobby. In all honesty it wouldn’t be top of my list to remember to add in another friend who I had no obvious other connection with any more, I just don’t have the time or inclination.

@Summerpigeon I don't think it's bullying. Playground friendships between parents are based on proximity. And OP has chosen not to stay in that school environment

It's like leaving your job, but still expecting to be invited to the works Christmas do

Good analogy @NeedToChangeName

Why don't you volunteer at the State school?

Funny thing, I had this happening to me with a friend who I considered as a "good friend" not just school gate talking. Well, my DS will go private in secondary and she went out of her way to tell me how bad it was to go private, the pressure, the elitism etc etc and how she would never do anything like that to her children. Well, we went from talking segeral times a week to no contact after my DS's admission... it's sad to be so narrowminded..

There are umpteen reasons why a parent might choose somewhere other than the local primary. Just off the top of my head (i.e. no, I am not suggesting that any and certainly not all of these might apply to the OP - it's obviously not a definitive list):

Expertise in music teaching for a child showing talent and interest;
Ditto sports facilities;
Foreign language teaching by native-speaker teachers, and/or bilingual teaching;
Religious/cultural preference, or simply a desire to avoid all religion.
Smaller class sizes and - deep breath here - no SATs!

Aged 16-18, I went to a Quaker school. Oh, the joy of a couple of minutes of absolute silence in morning assembly, rather than a hymn and a prayer!

No one’s in the wrong here. You’re not wrong to do the best for your child and they’re not wrong not to want to socialise with you now you’re not one of them.

How much effort did you make with them? Did you get used to just being invited and turning up?

I think they were just situational friends. You have moved on and so have they.
When the DC were are nursery you had that in common. You don't have that any more.

When we were looking at primary schools for DD we were torn between the school in our village and the one in the next village. DH said "why would you send DD to a school where she wouldn't have local friends?"

He was right, so DD went to the local outstanding in every way, primary school. Often we would have an extra child back after school or DD would be asked to play at another child's house. This would happen spontaneously.

We would also end up walking home with another mum with her DC.

If you are driving your child to school some distance away you are less likely to enjoy this kind of last minute arrangement.

Some of the DC wrnt to private school for secondary school, but as the state primary was so good there was never any need to pay for primary education.