Ostracised for staying at private school

[LessorMore]

Please be kind. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. We are in the VERY fortunate position where we can send our son to private school which is a few minutes drive from our home. We are the only people in the village to do this, the rest use the (very lovely) state primary. Since DS started in January, people who went to the same nursery as him have completely cut me off! At first I thought it was coincidence but last week I eventually confided in a woman at the park and she bluntly said that perhaps it was my decision to separate DS from their kids. She was trying to be understanding as far as I could tell and I asked if she would invite me to the next lunch, she said she would. But today I’ve seen a few of the mums all waking round the village together so again I’ve been excluded. I don’t get it? I feel really alone as I am a SAHP and DP works long hours, often not back until gone 8pm. I love having girlfriends, I can’t seem to meet any at DS’s school as the vast majority board there. I feel really upset and now really wish we had stuck with the local school and DS still had his friends from nursery. Has anyone navigated this before? I don’t know what to go but can’t go on feeling like the odd one out in such a small place.

Stats for under 8 boarders are tiny and usually extreme cases like only alternative is foster care.
Obviously school dependent but demographic of lots of private primary schools is 2 working professional parents (to pay the fees and the all in aspect of wrap around and sports suiting busy parents) so that plus commute may limit OP’s opportunities to socialise with mums at her dc’s school.

Happy to be corrected but I don’t know if any prep school which starts boarding before the age of 7 and at last count there were only around 400 7 year olds boarding in the whole country so this all seems a bit odd!

Boarding at 4/5? That's so heartbreaking and cruel to me.

Majority boarders in Reception??? Sure.

That's how it works in afraid, without saying it out loud your choice implies that the school their children go to isn't good enough for your child, it's very difficult not to take that at least a little bit personally and you've also removed yourself from a shared experience. I think you were a little naive if you thought it wouldn't matter.

today I’ve seen a few of the mums all waking round the village together

It's likely that they saw each other at school drop off, and then either arranged something or just stayed together to go for a coffee or whatever. They probably aren't deliberately excluding you, it's just that by circumstance they are all together in the morning, and no one thought to get their phone out to try and arrange for you to come along. If you drop your child at school and someone says "I'm going for a coffee, want to come" it's a faff to then message someone else to see if they want to come as well.

Gosh that sounds horrific.
Most schools won’t allow it. If yours does then it must appeal to a certain group.
I know someone sent to board in UK from Hong Kong very young but I didn’t think it happened now.

What else is on in village? Try something else to get involved in village life and make friends. Help at the toddler group, old folks coffee morning. If you are a bit more out there you probably will get more included whereas out of sight out of mind.

Why did you send your kid to this school knowing that the intake at this age was mainly international boarders, what an unusual thing, what school is this, it is shocking what you’re posting.

Do you really want your child at the sort of school that takes boarders of very young children??

Where are you?

This is exactly it and I can think of times where I have spontaneously suggested coffee after drop off or even a playdate when walking home from school. Things just happen because of the shared experiences and just being around each other a lot.
I do really feel for you though. I think you can still work on holding onto some of those relationships if you actively invite them round/set up playdates or cafe/pub visits

Yes that’s what I thought. And some of those with be children in specialist placements due to serious disabilities that can’t be accommodated elsewhere.

You just happened to be a few minutes drive from a school that not only offers boarding for 4 or 5 year olds but where the majority of 4 or 5 year olds are boarders. Wow. That’s almost unbelievable.

Have you considered that it's not the fact you have sent your child to private school that's the problem but that it's to a private school that has boarders at 5 years old? That isn't sitting well with a lot of PP here, can't imagine it goes down well with parents in a small village with a lovely state school.

Your child's school isn't far from you and you're a SAHP, your best bet for mum friends is to join whatever committees the private school offers or at least volunteer in the local community outside of school related activities. Villages tend to have very tight knit circles.

Yes I’m so confused by this situation, a school where reception is mainly made up of 4 or 5 year old international boarders, I’ve never heard of such a thing, why would you even send your child there,

I feel for you OP. You were only trying to do the best for your child - unfortunately the way that will be perceived by these women and many others who have posted on this thread is that the state school is "fine for them" but not fine for your child. That is sadly just the way it is. Most friendships at this age are really driven by the parents, so you'll need to make an effort to break down that perception (however small minded is seems) or put the feelers out the new school. Can you try to make friends through local clubs at the weekend? Notwithstanding what school your child goes to, he (and you) are still entitled to be part of the village and the community.

My daughter left the village primary at Easter, she’s starting at local prep in September. Even though she’s no longer part of the class she’s still being invited to the social events. In her case she attends the village youth club that starts at age 4/5, she also goes to a local childminder, which a lot of children in her class use for wrap around and holiday child care.

I'm totally against private schools ,full stop..
But this sounds like bullying to me
They are using the private school as a reason to bully you .
Nasty witches
School mums can be like that ,they exclude people for all kinds of reasons.
That's just what they do
They have shown you who they are
Hopefully you will make some lovely friends at sons school in time

Have you stopped inviting his old friends for play dates? Why not invite a couple of them over and see how it goes. You have to be proactive if you want him to have friends in the village. You don't have to be BFs with the other mums, just let things happen gradually.

When you saw the mums walking around the village did you say hello and ask after their children? You may seem a bit stand offish if you just ignore them because you think they have slighted you. Just be friendly and engage, if they don't seem to want to talk just say must dash see you soon and try again another day. It's your DS you want to have friends, if you make friends too that's a bonus.

Your DC is 4 and his classmates are boarding?!

Why on earth would you want your DC at a school that think it is ok to do that? Maybe that's why the other mothers don't want to be friends anymore.

Can you not send him to the village school in September?

I can see where they’re coming from. They will have common ground in their kids school, and you aren’t part of that. Maybe good idea to get some work? Private school days are so long, being a SAHM must be boring! It makes me feel a bit sad your child won’t have local connections and friends due to going to the private school. And appalling that 4/5 year old are boarding I didn’t even know that could be allowed.

I agree that people take your choosing something else as a criticism of their choices - eg as a veggie you get the same thing - people react as if you are criticising them for eating meat

Sure is.

The OP's child isn't boarding. Many boarding schools have day pupils from a young age. Why should the OP be punished for that? It's the parents who choose to send the kids to board so young.

There are no UK schools which take boarders before the age of 7.