Ostracised for staying at private school

[LessorMore]

Please be kind. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. We are in the VERY fortunate position where we can send our son to private school which is a few minutes drive from our home. We are the only people in the village to do this, the rest use the (very lovely) state primary. Since DS started in January, people who went to the same nursery as him have completely cut me off! At first I thought it was coincidence but last week I eventually confided in a woman at the park and she bluntly said that perhaps it was my decision to separate DS from their kids. She was trying to be understanding as far as I could tell and I asked if she would invite me to the next lunch, she said she would. But today I’ve seen a few of the mums all waking round the village together so again I’ve been excluded. I don’t get it? I feel really alone as I am a SAHP and DP works long hours, often not back until gone 8pm. I love having girlfriends, I can’t seem to meet any at DS’s school as the vast majority board there. I feel really upset and now really wish we had stuck with the local school and DS still had his friends from nursery. Has anyone navigated this before? I don’t know what to go but can’t go on feeling like the odd one out in such a small place.

Oh here we go…🙄 The ‘hard work’ trope… trotted out by the privileged like the rest of us state school muggles sit scratching our arses…

And what is it? Snobby? Envious? Proud? Jeez the gormless lack of self awareness is astounding given y’all pay for that expensive education!

Speaking as a former boarder, I'd ask you to have a really good think about whether this school will be the most nourishing environment for your child in the long run.

Boarding for any child - especially young ones - can be utterly brutal, with difficulties rearing their heads much later in life. I suggest you look into the works of Joy Schavarian here where the feelings of abandonment, bereavement, captivity and dissociation play out. Now, I know you say your child does not board, but as a "day boy" he will likely be rejected by those boarders because 1) they are envious that your child gets to go home; and 2) when he goes home at night - as he should - he is missing the "bonding" and activities the boarders get up to so the chances of him either becoming isolated, or indeed wanting to board himself to "fit in" could increase.

Perhaps I'll be piled on (again) by the pro-boarding militia who always want to tell me how things have changed but it's really not a risk I'd want to take. It's only through reading a lot around boarding school syndrome that this information on how it affects day pupils came to light so I just thought it might be worth sharing as it's a very niche area.

I live in a village and have found that if you don't do what everyone else does you get 'othered' a bit.

This is what puts me off moving out of the city tbh. Every now and then I fantasise about the fresh air, slow pace of life and friendly people but it’s the prospect of being judged for not being exactly like everyone else and having people gossiping about your life choices that keeps me away from it.

Politics aside I think the OP has probably dodged a bullet with these people.

I totally agree with you @Steppered - being a day pupil amongst loads of boarding pupils presents its' own set of challenges.

I'm more worried your wasting your money when you have access to a lovely primary.

Anyway, all you can do is be proactive and invite people to meet up 1:1 and see how things develop. School Mums can be bloody awful for this sort of crap.

Sadly OP you'll need to find friends through other means.

School is not always the perfect place to find other Mum friends. It can happen. It can not happen also. It took 4 years for me to find anyone friendly at our local state school. So you imagine everyone would be friendly with you if you DS went there but not necessarily.

I'd suggest you find friends in the village through your own means, like through classes and hobbies rather than using your DS as a gatekeeper to your social life.

And also sadly OP it's true that if you're a boarder, you do get treated differently vs a day pupil.

I'm facing that situation again myself with my DC and I wish very much I wasn't. It's not a great place to be.

Also for primary I'm not sure it's worth the money to go private. It depends on your DS's personality.

For those that are clever, they'll do well anywhere with a bit of a push from home/by themselves depending on character. You can support outside of school with going to sports/clubs yourself if you're DS is that way inclined.

Those that need more support academically, they're probably best placed to go to private as it can make a difference long term.

I'd still not bother with private until Year 4 at the earliest.

Maybe switch over, make some nice friends and then switch back again in a few years.

School Mums can be bloody awful for this sort of crap.

I hate this whole "school mums are bitches" trope on here - I mean, isn't it just normal to socialise with the people you have something in common with and see everyday?

OP chose to send her child to a different school and to take herself out of her own social circle. As PP have said, it's pretty common to drop children off at school and decide to go for a coffee, or to pick the kids up and head to the park in the summer. They wouldn't think to invite the OP anymore than they'd think to invite a mum who was working from home.

No one is a jealous bitch, a cliquey cow, a spiteful witch, or whatever other nonsense has been said on this thread. It's just circumstance.

The op is getting flak because it’s state school parents who are being unfriendly. If she complained about the private school parents being unfriendly there’d be a pile-on about what did she expect? all private school parents are ghastly, entitled poshos.

Maybe switch over, make some nice friends and then switch back again in a few years.

I fear this will just make things worse for her DS, unfortunately.

@Southwestten

I think it’s just that whole kneejerk “school mums are cliquey bitches” which winds some of us up. It’s an unpleasant and paranoid way to look at the world and it does people no favours to be told everyone is out to get them.

It’s irrelevant whether they are private or state school parents. They are just parents doing what they think is best for their kids. It’s highly unlikely these people have the time or energy to subject someone to a political vendetta.

I wouldn’t take it personally. School mum friendships are easy to maintain because you see each other every day. I am still friends with a group from nursery but it’s so hard to keep it going because we don’t naturally see each other. It’s hard to all find time at the same time. Some have moved away, someone is always busy with something. Your group are probably just arranging things off the cuff on the school run. I quite often go to the park straight after school with whoever is free. It just happens organically. You’re not going to be part of that group if your child isn’t at that school, that’s just life. It’s not intentional or because you’re richer than them.

Bullying WTAF 🙄…..they have all moved on….they are still in touch with each other because they have a common ground….same school….that is what being a school mum friend is all about…..sometimes these friendships last beyond school ….mostly they don’t….OP will have to make new friends or get her arse out of the village to meet up with the friends she already has

That is hard, but possibly just because they were at school gates together. I am staunchly pro-state school but have friends with children at private. One thing that can get annoying is showing off about the swimming pool etc and one child started going on to my son about how much better his new private school was, that was annoying. Ultimately it can feel like a rejection or a feeling that you think you are better. I wanted my son at local schools because I want to be part of that community. Going far away could suggest you are less keen. However, I would invite them round etc before any conclusions. Alternatively make friends with parents at new school

Arrange things with your new school mums, coffee or a walk straight after drop off so distance doesn't matter. There must be a class WhatsApp group? If not, start one! Go to all the school socials you can to get to know people. Go to all the fixtures you can, you will make new mum friends.

Hopefully the village mums will come round and start inviting you to lunch again but this could take a while. They are either jealous or do not agree with private education, both of which are understandable.

So if boarding starts at 7 and your son is 6, surely ALL the children in his class are day pupils? You need to get out there and make friends with them! Tough if they are geographically dispersed, these are HIS friends as well and presumably you must have factored this in as part of the planning for him going to this school? As so many others have said, school mum friendships are often based on proximity and the common factor of having children at the same school so you are all talking about the same school topics, extracurriculars, teacher leaving gifts etc. There probably is a bit of jealousy in some parents about your child going to private school but for the most part I think they probably just aren't interested in hearing about his/your life now that they don't share any of it in common.

I've yet to see a cliquier and bitchier group than school mums. They're schoolyard bullies in disguise.
@LessorMore , repeat after me: school mums aren't friends. They're just a bunch of women whose only common ground is their kids and their love to create a little clique.

What a nasty attitude.

Why? What's wrong with the statement?

Everything, tbh. It's just unpleasant stereotyping and makes you look even more "bitchy" than those you're complaining about.

It's very rare now for children to board from age 7 @LessorMore

It's usually an option for children whose parents are overseas maybe in the Forces etc.

If the majority of the children are boarders, from age 7, it's an unusual school.

(I have professional experience of independent schools.)

I also can't believe that you won't make friends with other parents there.
IME there is usually a very good connection with parents in private schools.

But hang on- it's coming to the end of the school year.
Private schools have broken up for the summer.

Why have you just raised this now- your son has been there for a year.

It's all a bit odd.

Not having an easy group of local friends is a trade off of choosing a private school. You have removed yourself from the main bonding element of the group, they are all still happy and probably can't be bothered with the extra effort of including you now you don't share that bond.

It's probably best to seek alternative community friends, such as via a hobby or sports club if your child is into sports.

Feel free to call me a bitch. From someone who's probably a school mum or their fan it's a compliment.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I consider myself a pretty social person but penetrating the thick wall of the school mum clickiness was even beyond my possibilities. And I didn't even want a friendship, only tried a casual chat. Looks like I'm not the only one.

Exactly this

Some people can be really spiteful and self interested. You shouldn't have to justify your choice of school, whether private/state or one over another of the same type. I have not read all replies but you obviously choose the school you think is best for your child's education and not what is convenient for you to make friends. I would concentrate on making friends based on your own personal interests, not based around who has children the same age as yours. Your child gets to make their own friends and so do you, if they happen to be in the same family in can be lovely and convenient but hard to sustain over time or for it to be a true friendship if that is the main point in common.