Ostracised for staying at private school

[LessorMore]

Please be kind. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. We are in the VERY fortunate position where we can send our son to private school which is a few minutes drive from our home. We are the only people in the village to do this, the rest use the (very lovely) state primary. Since DS started in January, people who went to the same nursery as him have completely cut me off! At first I thought it was coincidence but last week I eventually confided in a woman at the park and she bluntly said that perhaps it was my decision to separate DS from their kids. She was trying to be understanding as far as I could tell and I asked if she would invite me to the next lunch, she said she would. But today I’ve seen a few of the mums all waking round the village together so again I’ve been excluded. I don’t get it? I feel really alone as I am a SAHP and DP works long hours, often not back until gone 8pm. I love having girlfriends, I can’t seem to meet any at DS’s school as the vast majority board there. I feel really upset and now really wish we had stuck with the local school and DS still had his friends from nursery. Has anyone navigated this before? I don’t know what to go but can’t go on feeling like the odd one out in such a small place.

the school mum brigade tend to be friends with those in their kids class. It’s a fleeting friendship in the main based in proximity,

surely there are other day pupils your kid can’t be the only one?

@Roseyjane there are others but they are not very local, 45 mins etc travel. I really wanted friends where I lived

Well I’m not sure you’re in a position to pick friends based on geography really. You can meet half way and arrange things close to school. I’m not being harsh but rejecting friends as you want them to be closer is a little much.

You need to actively invite them round for coffee or for a walk.

Look, you won't have the same interactions as you did before so you need to proactively organise stuff. You need to get on or start a WhatsApp group.

If this doesn't work, you need to do this with the parents at the private school

It's difficult because this sort of friendship is often rooted in common experience. Is it possible that you might have made too much of how lucky you were? I might be a bit pissed off if somebody went on about how lucky they were not to have to go to the school I was very happy to send my child to!

What is your son doing about friends?

In small communities (a village) people tend to like homogeneity. Same school, same pub, same friends.

Op, you don't need "friends" like that. Good people don't do things like that.

I don't blame the nursery mums really. These sorts of friendships are normally based on proximity - if your children are in the same class or do a hobby together. And, rightly or wrongly, the nursery mums may not agree with your decision to opt for private education when there's a perfectly good state alternative (you say yourself the state primary is "very lovely"). I live in an affluent area with excellent state primary schools and honestly if somebody here chooses to drive to a private school regardless, it's usually because they place value on things I don't value, and I can see how that might strain a friendship. (In my area the private school parents are the sort who drive white Range Rovers and holiday in Dubai. The private school has a drug problem. Just not my sort of people - sorry.)

Just focus on building relationships with parents at your child's new school, or indeed on developing adult friendships which aren't dependent on your children.

I have experienced something similar when we moved from primary to private secondary. It didn't help that I kept trying to justify it in conversation, which actually made things worse! I now remain quiet and don't mention the school unless asked when meeting people. And also, I don't justify it or try to explain myself.
Although when people ask me what is wrong with the local one, which I really hate, I am stumped. I try to blame my child's needs, but it's sounds so hollow.
Same thing happened with friends from before the new school. It can be difficult to navigate and you have my sympathies. I would try to maintain the friendships but stuck to non-school conversations.
And also, work on new friends! Just the PA or volunteer on activities.

This is really difficult but I think it's less that they are actively excluding you and more that their lives are intertwined by their children attending the same school. My 'mum' friends are all in WhatsApp groups together where we simultaneously share reminders about the school fair and dress down days along with 'shall we go to the pub tonight?'. I think you will need to initiate social events with the mums.

I mean they're friends because their kids are at school together. Your kid doesn't go there so I can see why. Although it's a bit mean of them to exclude you if you have specifically asked to be included.

Also though that's part of price of private school isn't it, not being friends with the local kids.

School Mum friends are more acquaintances. You aren’t going to be in same circle bump into them.
Does he do any activities you’ll see mums there.
If you have a lot of free time look at volunteering it often comes with benefits of making friends.

What is your son going to do about friends? If it’s too far for you to have friends from there, what about him?

It’s a transitory friendship anyway, you were one of the school mums, now you’re not and you’re saying you don’t want to make friends with the mums from your son’s school.

When my son went to a private school and not the village school he still did football (which he did until he was 18) and beavers so as to maintain his village friendships. However, he did start at KS2 year 3 rather than Reception.

If you are a SAHM get involved with the Pta Etc at the new school and join any coffee mornings etc that they hold. I still have friends from both settings.

Things might get easier once he is playing out age, so if he’s in park or on bike the children will include him.

Hold on, the majority are boarders in PRIMARY? That's shocking.

I have sympathy for you, as it’s sad to feel excluded when you’d like to be friends.

Unfortunately you have decided that the local school where they send their children isn’t good enough for your son. That’s where their children go - there’s an implication that you think you or your son are “better” somehow.

Add to this that school mum friends have their schools and DC’s events etc in common, I can see why they aren’t inclined to include you. Sorry, I’d feel the same if I’m being honest.

If you want local friends in a village and you have primary school age DC - the main way to do this is via going to the local school. You are now out of that loop so have to work extra hard to remain relevant to them,

Sorry to sound harsh

They probably want to be friends with the mums of their DCs friend from school. They will have common ground, have play dates with class mates and go to school events together. You chose a non- local private school, your DC will have different friends and won’t be involved in the village school life. This is one of the main reasons we chose our local state school for our DD, we want her to have a local group of school friends.

Yes considering the ops child will be 4 or 5. I’m also shocked most of them are boarding, I didn’t even know you could board at that age.

@Boltonb the state school is brilliant. There were other reasons we used the private school.

😢

@Roseyjane @MrsTerryPratchett yes and a lot are international

We went from village primary to private secondary.
I think sometimes with schools its perceived as a criticism of their choices more than anything.
In our case, over the last 7 years 5 of the village kids have moved to our school, most because of the issues we had with the local comp…It’ll become less of an issue the older the kids get too OP. You and DC will make friends at the new school. How old is your DS? Surely not many are boarding full time if you've just left nursery? Boarding starts as occasional nights at 7/8 round here.

Oh my god, honestly that breaks my heart
Those little children
Edit: I understand this is not the point of the thread