To be jealous of DH work routine?

[Notamorning]

AIBU to be jealous of DH's lifestyle? I work in the city, have an hour commute door to door each way my day is typically 12 hours out of the house daily. I'm in a client facing corporate role so little opportunity to WFH and the closest I get to dress down is black jeans and pumps on a Friday.
DH is FT WFH, unless he is travelling internationally which is once every 8 weeks post COVID.
I'm just shattered from the commute and the effort that every day seems to take, I always have to be corporate so I can't just roll out of bed and throw anything on, hair has to be done, make up etc. I'm always at the whim of public transport which will throw my day out in an instant. I'm constantly carrying my life around with me, go to the gym either morning / lunch / after work
On the flip side, DH is still in bed whilst i'm getting ready, he gets up at a reasonable time, can sleep in if he's tired or not feeling great. Can walk the dog / go to the gym when his diary allows. Throw on anything and still look presentable in front of clients. He never needs to think about multiple outfits for the next day - if I'm at an event after work for example.
When I walk in the door he's generally started dinner (which is great) so I get changed and come and help, but don't feel like I get any time through the week to switch off. We menu plan on the weekend, so he doesn't need to think what to make / just follow the list.
I get that this is corporate life, and part of what I want from my career but bloody hell what I wouldn't give to just have a few weeks of his routine for a rest!
When it gets to the weekends he wants to go out and I just want some down time as I feel like I've been 'on' all week, the last thing I want to see is the city.

I think this is a classic case of jealousy and no, it’s not reasonable. If you want that sort of lifestyle, pick a career that allows it. It’s not your husbands fault you picked something that demands the life you’ve got, instead of the one he picked.

Dont blame him for your choices just because you’re jealous.

You are in your ‘dream job’ and are not willing to change it, by your own admission. So what do you want from us? This feels very much like a humblebrag.

I kind of get it although appreciate the responses from those who have it much tougher. My door to door is 90 minutes each way, alarm goes off at 6am, and here are a few things that help me:

I buy my breakfast en route - stuff having to think about making food / tea before 7am

I use my train in to get a jump on my day (emails, calls to places that are further ahead time zone wise, make to do lists, etc.)

I wear trainers on my commute and walk to my office at the other end, a few minutes of brisk walking counts! It also means I have my trainers if I want to walk somewhere during the day.

I sometimes schedule meetings between work and home and then go straight home.

I sometimes schedule meetings near home if it suits both parties - and either go in late or leave early accordingly.

I use my train ride home to finish up bits of work sometimes but try and use it to decompress if I can. Tv show, Facebook scrolling, audio book.

I sometimes order food to pick up from the train, so it only adds 5 minutes to my drive home from the station

I let my hair air dry on the train each day - it's completely dry by the time I get to the office

I ditched make up. No one cares. I still look professional without lipstick

I wear outfits that suit my day - including day-to-night outfits when I've got evening events. Pre covid I kept a black tie dress, heels and undies in the office just in case (now I find it exceedingly unlikely a black tie event will spring up from nowhere and if it did I'd go buy a dress) and if I felt the need for make up (unusual!) a department store counter / MAC / Sephora would take care of it. I do keep an assortment of shoes, a pair of shorts / t shirt (in case I need to see physio / chiro and I'm wearing a dress), a wash bag with deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, contact lens solution, toothpaste and toothbrush (my office has a shower) and things like tampax so I don't have to haul a ton of stuff around either me.

A car service / Uber when it all gets too much / you're done with public transport. The train to work is quicker than a car most days, but coming home I do think 'fuck it' sometimes.

Yeah you’re being unreasonable to be jealous. You made these choices. If it’s too bad then look into a career change.

unless you are a model makeup is not required. Cut that out.

get a low maintenance hair-do.

why the heck are you ruining your body with those shoes! Sneakers babe.

are you making a commission and selling with physical appeal? Lots of other ways to dress corporate without this much wasted time!

so yeah. Don’t be jealous. Make changes. If you’re burnt out go on a leave.

Sounds like you need to take some time out to take stock of your life. Decide whether you were just having an off day or if there are some tweaks you could make to improve your life.
It may just be the contrast between your lives that is hard.
Could you stay closer to work one day a week, so you are loosing some of the commute time? Could your other half stay with you, so you could have an evening out together?
Is there any way of juggling hours - whilst you are clear you need to be physically present, are there times when actually you could be say in the office all day rather than here there and everywhere? Even just once a month or so?
At least it's your dream job......but you can still get burn out.

@notamorningI get it. But I do think that in the exhaustion and relentlessness of it, you've lost sight of what changes could be possible. My clients are almost ALL banks/law firms/tech firms working in the city (London or New York) and not a single one of them work in the office 5 days a week. the only person I know who does that is a man who, frankly, does it to avoid having to deal with any of the home drudgery (Dh of a friend). I just don't believe that in 2024 you can't work from home at least once a fortnight and can't adjust your schedule accordingly.

second, if your Dh is taking a step back having been enabled by you to work hard in the past, you need to let him make him take a step forward when it comes to home stuff as you probably did for him in the past. So don't help him make dinner - he can make dinner and you can, at best, set the table and pour the wine. Similarly, sure, do meal planning together if you like but I hope he's doing the shopping/unpacking as well as the bulk of cleaning/life admin?! It can be quite difficult to let go of those things and for him to take them on, but it MUST happen. What's that old MN saying - you need the same amount of sitting on your butt time. So, for example, he's getting all this extra sleep in the morning - that's great. But it doesn't mean that can't do his share of the chores.

Thirdly, assuming ou are a high earner which I'm assuming you are, you need to use your money to make your life better. I know plenty of women like you and one thing they all have in common is fabulous holidays and/or a determination to enjoy their non-work time without worrying. They're the ones who eat out at least once a week at nice restaurants, go shopping and buy the hot new bag of the moment and book their next holiday from the beach on their current holiday. As one friend once said to me, "what is the point of working this hard and earning this money if I'm too tired and stressed all the time to enjoy it."

Yes, you're right: WFH is still work, not twiddling thumbs.
However, due to her long commute she has a 12-hour-day while her hubby probably works the regular 8 hours from home. That gives him 4 hours per day (so 20 hours per week!) to do household chores + gym. That should be more than enough time to do the shopping, cooking, laundry for a 2 person household.
Regarding naps: If hubby would get up at 6am with his wife, then proceeds with sports, household chores and his WFH, he might benefit from a short nap before fixing dinner and spending time with his wife in the evening.

There is an £80k gap between you, so even if he earns average salary of £35k you earn well over £100k??
For that much money you should be working bloody hard. Most people I know earn £25k - £45k and mostly work very hard and come home exhausted.

Get yourself a holiday or long weekend booked, sounds like you need it 😬

Sounds like a bit more help at home would make life easier. Do you have a cleaner? Shopping delivered? Gardener?
You need to agree a bit more rest time in the evenings so you have more energy to enjoy a busier weekend with your husband

Cos he doesn't. I've had 4 meals cooked in 7 years I think. I've now got a cleaner alternate weeks buy found them so unreliable it's often easier just to diy than the stress of them not showing. We've just got a robotic hoover to compensate for the puppy at least

Based on this I would suggest taking reduced hours. It sounds like you’ve reached a comfortable enough salary so can afford to have the luxury of prioritising time over money.
I would drop one day a week and either take those extra hours across the week for shorter work days, or work only 4 days. Use the extra day to relax and take time for yourself.