Why do a lot of men seem to think it's 1954 not 2024?

[G123456789]

I have been on here for a while and it seems that women seem to be expected to do the bulk of child care, housework, have jobs and manage everything to do with the house from renewing tv licences to employing all trades people.
In real life I know several men like this. They work, have their hobbies, go to the pub, have weekends away with the lads.
Of course I also know men that pull their weight. But child care and housework seems to be women's work.
Why does it get put up with?
Is it because their mothers did everything for them?

Im male but have always discussed and agreed with my wife who does what. Until a couple of years ago I worked 70+ hours a week at this time of year so she did most things. I'm retired now so have a nice cleaning rota, manage her business accounts but still have time to see my mates etc...

I suppose I'm asking aibu for asking why their isn't a fair balance in most partnerships.

In a way yes and no. We have always spent a lot of time together. We also for part of that 70 hours worked together. But it was agreed I would work those hours so we could retire early. She doesn't want to just yet. But will finish before she is 60

Firstly we don't have kids. Secondly I was self employed so more work= more money. Thirdly, as I've said above, we agreed that I would work those hours so we could retire early

So what makes you think other couples haven't discussed it and come to an agreement also?? I mean, You did.

So you are all about money and early retirement

This. Supposing your wife had insisted upon working 70 hours a week until retirement? How would you have juggled work, cooking, housework etc? Would you have meekly done ‘most things’ for decades?

Having that conversation would end your marriage!?! Wtf, are you happy?

I hope you don't do his laundry, I'd just let it pile up. If he isn't doing 50% of the cooking then he would be making his own meals because I would cook for everyone but him.

We have to get out of the mindset of everything 50/50 cos nothing is truely equal

I just got home from having dinner with a friend who's husband changed all of their newborn's nappies for 3 weeks after it was born so she could use that time to rest. They are certainly not all bad.

Or maybe we need to start raising men to stop taking advantage of women?

That poster works full time!!

A lot of the women on mn like that are sahms or pt, so I can see how it happens-and actually when I was a sahm dh assumed that my job was everything house related really. Hard to argue that the other person has to do washing etc when it’s seen as ‘your job’ and they’re secretly bitter because you ‘get to stay home all day while I have to work’.

Then when I went back to work and we were both on the floor because of lack of childcare, him having to do half etc it evened things out as I was working every weekend and three days a week.

Agree with a lot of what's written here. I would just like to note it's interesting that you say in your OP, as many people do in these sorts of conversation, that 'maybe his mother did everything for him' (or people sometimes say 'his mother didn't teach him how to use the washing machine/operate the hoover/do the dishes). Interesting that even when we're discussing why men are so useless it's still a woman's fault for somehow getting in wrong. You very rarely hear it said as excuse 'oh his dad was a shit, he takes after him' or 'his dad never taught him to boil an egg' or even 'his father fucked off and left his mother to raise him alone and so she didn't have much time for domestic tuition', even though in the raising of every man there are at least 2 people who ought to have taken responsibility to raise them to be civilised human beings...

@Teacherprebaby

My expectation is that his response would be a flat denial that things need to change and eventually I would have to walk away from the marriage. I know that sounds extreme but this is based on his behaviour and how he has responded when I’ve pushed back on the domestic side. If/when I confront this in the way that is needed, I don’t think there will be a way for me to climb down from it all. These issues were definitely not visible when we were younger but after a slow creep I can’t see he will agree to a more modern division.

I always say my other half thinks we are in the 1950's. But I work on top of doing all the cooking, washing, cleaning. Look after the kids 95% of the time. He only ever did 1 night feed. More fool me. But we are in the middle of separating and if anything my life won't change, if anything it will be easier as I'll have one less person to clean up after.

Yes, why is it women’s fault? It isn’t.

’mens’s work’ is seen as more important because men do it, ‘women’s work’ as less important because women do it. Domestic work that men can get credit for they will often do, such as cooking for guests. Similarly they will often do things that have some kind of manly status associated with the paid work equivalent (and which are usually infrequent), such as dealing with the car, doing DIY, etc.

Couldn't agree more. Before dd was born, if dh aaked what was dinner l used say oh is it my turn to cook then? But as soon as l left work to have her, it really did become mine every single nt and it never really went back to being a joint thing. And for that reason, l refuse to work full time.

I thought i was equal in my marriage. Then the children came along. You both can't refuse to feed or change a baby and it's usually the woman who gives in first. Then the imbalance continues into household chores of laundry, cleaning, life admin, looking after them children when sick. Again, you both can't refuse. By the time you've realised you've married a lazy selfish misogynist it's too late as you are financially trapped with low self esteem, and probably bad health.

I don’t know any men like this.

Being single is looked as a failure too often. Or the man is good at fooling a prospective wife or partner.

Is it because their mothers did everything for them?

Not so much the mums doing everything for them, as their dad’s doing nothing. They didn’t have male role models who picked up parenting or any domestic work. Don’t “blame” the ones who did do that work at home for doing it all - it’s because they didnt have dads modelling these behaviours.

YANBU, you've pretty much described me and I've written about it on here before.
My partner is very lazy, selfish, does little housework or childcare and drinks too much. His own family wouldn't disagree.
His saving grace is he earns good money.
I'm not sure how it happened. His mum is twice divorced (she hates men) and raised 4 children (including 3 boys) on her own and did everything.

I'm not sure how I'll get out but I plan to split up when my DD is older or he's getting buried under the patio.

Yes I saw. I don't think it's fair though, I do not work even though I am a qualified HCP.. I do howewer do every single thing housecare, laundry plus looming after a 2 year old all day that doesn't go to nursery. He thinks I sit at home on my backside all day hence the you don't work and I do so I am exempt from doing anything other than going to work attitude.

Yes. This is 100 percent true. For me anyway.

I do agree.