Why do a lot of men seem to think it's 1954 not 2024?

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I have been on here for a while and it seems that women seem to be expected to do the bulk of child care, housework, have jobs and manage everything to do with the house from renewing tv licences to employing all trades people.
In real life I know several men like this. They work, have their hobbies, go to the pub, have weekends away with the lads.
Of course I also know men that pull their weight. But child care and housework seems to be women's work.
Why does it get put up with?
Is it because their mothers did everything for them?

Im male but have always discussed and agreed with my wife who does what. Until a couple of years ago I worked 70+ hours a week at this time of year so she did most things. I'm retired now so have a nice cleaning rota, manage her business accounts but still have time to see my mates etc...

I suppose I'm asking aibu for asking why their isn't a fair balance in most partnerships.

This is not my experience with our family and all of my close friends. I’m aware of it happening on here, but this is definitely not the case in my circle. Everyone pulls their weight, in two of the couples the men do more as their wives have very stressful jobs with long hours.

In my case it's because that's the kind of family I grew up in and I didn't know any different. When I met my husband he was nicer to me than my parents had been and I think I was grateful so I got into the habit of doing a lot of the grunt work. He also worked a lot longer hours than I did.

But when we moved in together and had children and had a much bigger property which was much more time-consuming to look after, it was very different. He wasn't so nice by then and became very critical of everything I did. He didn't ever do anything with the children - even take them out with the pram to give me a break or change a nappy or give me a lie-in even as a one-off.

Remember where I started though in which my family background wasn't loving so I didn't question it in the way someone with a normal family would have done. When you talk about sitting down and working out what was fair, I hadn't learnt how to do that assertively because it didn't happen in my family and because no-one ever taught me how to get my needs met or even that that was a possibility. So my feeble attempts at getting some kind of fair balance were easily shut down or dismissed.

I've had a lot of therapy since then and am more assertive but I can see how a lot of women fall into these relationships and it's not that they lack a backbone - I often stand up for people when others wouldn't and don't stand any rubbish from my husband these days - but because these relationships happen insidiously. The men involved break the women's self esteem and agency down over time and are very skilled at gaslighting and putting them down. And I'm guessing many - but not all - of the women come from dysfunctional backgrounds themselves.

Is it possible it's a male trait? For example one of the things that drives me mad is that after a family day out my husband can come in the front door and flop on the sofa with his phone. I on the other hand am emptying the car, feeding the dog, bringing in the washing. This seems to be a thing (amongst my friends anyway). He wouldn't care if I flopped on the sofa and looked at my phone too though. It's not his expectations, it's because I want things done.

My dgf was born in 1900, he did the laundry after working a night shift in a factory.
My own df always did the housework on a weekend if dm was working, cooked a roast, ironed, vacuumed. His generation had all done national service so knew how to iron, clean etc.
My dh was raised with men’s jobs and women’s jobs. Fortunately he was willing to muck in although he took a bit of training. 😂
We’re retired now and he does as much as I do.
My ds has always done half of all housework and as a uni student he was the one that would clean the uni house.

I think it actually comes down to the fact that men are lazy. My DH knows how to do everything in the house, but he doesn’t. He claims that he doesn’t see the crumbs all over the carpet, or his pubic hairs on the toilet rim. He does what suits him.
and I have a DF in his 80’s who won’t have a cleaner but won’t do any cleaning himself. He just refuses to clean. He’ll garden and DIY, but that’s it.

My DH does most of the cooking, all the washing up, the bins, cuts the grass and washes our smalls. He also does lots of the house admin and booking holidays (I could do that, but he enjoys it so I leave him to it, we don’t do packages so book flights accommodation and transfers independently). I clean and iron his shirts. Interestingly my FIL was a 1950s man but MIL was determined DH would not grow up that way. DB is also not a 1950s man, my dad always pulled his weight around the house, he was older when we were born and retired at 60 when we were at secondary school and thereafter did all the cleaning.

Same, but post-child DH has decided all of that is my job now, and washing up his own dishes occasionally is more than enough contribution (he is currently unemployed so in the house all day, they are all his not mine or DS’s)

Nobody, nobody sets out to marry a man like this. They change.

I don't think men do think it's 1954, on the whole. Some of them are just lazy. Some women are lazy too but fewer of them because they don't get away with it. Man abandons child, fine. Woman abandons child, prosecuted for neglect.

I think there are lot of SAHMs on here who judge working mums and DO think we need to go back to the 1950s.

Along with all the Reform voters. And even more scarily, the proponents of Project 2025 in the US who seem to want to form a Christian Taliban state. And they have the ear of Trump. It goes way beyond banning abortion.

My mum was a housewife for years while my dad went to work and did nothing around the house, she insisted this was only fair, except then he was made redundant and she got a full time job and she continued doing everything around the house while he did nothing 🤨 my husband thinks he’s pathetic (and he’s right) he definitely does his fair share of the parenting and housework and always has done.

Don't let him get away with this. Put the plates in a washing-up bowl out in the garden until he can be bothered to deal with them.

This is what happens. You give ground due to particular circumstances (maternity leave etc.) and then never get it back.

Not RTFT but I think it is partly upbringing - both boys and girls socialized into doing 'blue tasks' (bins, DIY, lawnmowing etc) and 'pink tasks' (cooking, cleaning, household management).

When a baby arrives, the traditional 'mum' duties fall to the female partner, and the male becomes 'the breadwinner'.

Because for the first few months the mother is the baby's main caregiver, the pattern can stick, especially if the mother does not return to work.

I know many couples where the childcare and housework is shared, but I think inevitably the mother ends up doing more than 50 %. I know some couples where the father was the one staying at home with the baby and toddler(s) while the mother progressed her career, but I can't think of many. It worked for them - mum did well in her career, and dad retrained when the DC were at school, and also did well.

I've got a friend whose dh never once changed a nappy. I think I'd have found that soul destroying. Late dh and I took it in turns when both at home.

I don't think that the OP was looking to blame the mother(s). I think that he was asking if a man looks for someone in a potential wife or partner to take over that role and I don't think that it's outrageous to think that can and has been the case. A father should be a good role model - absolutely. If a child sees the man taking on a shared responsibility of housework then it's not crazy to think that they'll grow up with the same outlook.

Google 'household labour gender statistics'. If you have a 50/50 fair split in your marriage, you are uncommon. It's not a Mumsnet thing.

I had an ex a bit like this.

He'd been raised by two very strong women alongside his sister who didn't take any sh*t either.

But they'd all just been more capable than him growing up so they'd done things because there was a general sense he couldn't. He'd lost his Dad early making him the sole male in the family. He looked and acted a lot like his Dad and I think this made them a bit indulgent twoards him.

The next result was an otherwise lovely grown man who simply didn't see how much effort was required to do things. He'd do the washing, sure. He'd just never seem to do it quite as much or as often - leaving it until there was a huge basketful that required 2-3 days to clean and dry properly. He'd then not connect that to the slight smell of damp because everything had taken too long to dry.

He was young then, so it's possible he's grown and learned since then but the nagging sense I was slotting into the role of his mother was what did for us.

Until your DH dies/leaves/etc and you are fucked. But yeah, you do you. Don't say you weren't warned though

I think this is true. My DH grew up with two working parents back in the 70s. While his DF had the main job he was still taking a domestic role doing housework etc. DH grew up with the idea that looking after the home was shared responsibility.

My OH was raised by a single mother. She worked 2 jobs so didn’t have much time for housework. As a result the kids had to all do household chores- wash clean cook shop etc.

He is the absolute best to be in a relationship with! He does so much I very very rarely ask him to do anything. He takes the initiative, cooks brilliantly and always tries to make life easier with hello fresh, Costco runs, looking for discounts. He is so friendly and great with cleaners and tradespeople. Can spot a bad egg a mile off. He sorts everything car related (which I hate and don’t understand).

Compare this to a princeling who had a stay at home mum run around after them for 18+ years. No comparison! Choose wisely ladies.

Not sure why women put up with it as l don’t. Increasingly l have seen a trend where a lot of men want women to do all house stuff, child stuff AND be the main bread earner. While they “start their own business”, “find themselves”, “find the right job role” etc. AKA chill out with their mates and numerous hobbies. Then get annoyed when this is challenged, accusing the woman of being controlling and selfish

Not even sure if it’s her husband as she referred to him only as her partner which makes it worse.

I'm rather split about this.
We decided, in the early 90s, that dh's career would take priority. I was burnt out and desperate for children (I worked in the City for 16 years, and had my own house with significant equity and other capital) he was at the start of his career and due to professional qualifications he had better long term prospects.

One thing that was set in stone was housework and ironing. He was perfectly clear that he had no intention of doing it or his share. I already had a cleaner and the cleaner remained and has been a feature ever since we were married. I do not clean and was brought up not to clean. My mother didn't and neither did my grandmother - I think that's significant. Neither have I ever lived in a home where another party drops things on the floor and expects them to be picked up. DH's mother wouldn't have tolerated that either although she is typically working class and far more traditional yet cannot cook or sew which I find extraordinary.

I didn't intend to give up work when DS1 was born but he was unwell and I did. I had seven glorious years at home but except for cleaning picked up the full domestic load whilst DH worked 70+ hours a week (think surgeon/pilot genre).

I have always shopped, cooked, done all child related stuff - DH came to parents evening if there was a problem - there was once, organised tradesmen, decorating, etc. DH couldn't give a fig if I ordered a Neff Dishwasher or a Siemens one or whether I ordered blue curtains or cream curtains. He always let me get on with it. He does the bins and the outdoor paintwork and all admin relating to France. It has helped that DH is tidy to the point of pernickety although I confess, I do pack his suitcase be it business or pleasure!

I went back to work when dd started y1, starting back at the bottom. He was fully supportive of me going back, contributed to the au-pair to facilitate it, etc. However, I still picked up the full domestic/parenting load and that's why I have worked locally for the last 20 years or so. But our contributions have been equal. I have done more at home, DH has done more at work. Because of the equal load I have never resented it. I would have if he had left the house at the same time as me and been home within half an hour of me and put his feet up but it has never been that way and overall I have had more rest/free time than him during the last 35 years. I've had far more nights out with the girls than he ever has with the lads and whilst he used to go to football on Saturday afternoons, has never been one to "go down the pub".

It has worked for us DH is decent and kind and has never questioned stuff being subcontracted or had an issue about paying his whack. He always gave me Saturday mornings off when the dc were small and I gave him.Sunday mornings. As the DC got bigger, he supported DS's sports matches and DD's concerts where he could.

Ultimately, the while family unit has reaped the rewards of his workaholism. Had he been an entitled manchild who was selfish and unfair there would have been less reaping and more leaving I imagine.

There is a movement in South Korea where women are saying no - and refusing to date, have sex with or marry men as the societal differences between men and women are so deep and negatively effect women.

I think they might be on to something - I do not believe men will change their behaviour until we change ours.

As long as men can behave badly, be lazy but still have a wife, children and get their washing done, house cleaned and cooking done they will continue to behave badly as there are no consequences.

I don't understand how men think being so useless is in any way endearing. Or why any women with any self-respect tolerate it.
A friend of mine has a husband a bit like this. He was perfectly capable of doing housework, managing appointments, cleaning, cooking when they both lived independently. Now they're married with children (and both working), he has a tendency to let chores slide. Friend won't enable him and leaves his mess to him to clear up - so if he's supposed to be cooking and he hasn't washed up, she leaves it.
Allegedly he's not too happy about this.

I can't say I blame them, it's a nice arrangement if you can go out to work and then have all your cooking and cleaning done for you. I'm not sure I agree with the argument that it's all down to how their mother's raised them as I can think of a few examples of brothers raised in the same house who are polar opposites in terms of how they view housework.

I do think generally there's often a big difference in standards in expectations of cleanliness between the sexes. A lot of men I've met would leave washing dishes and clothes until there's literally no clean ones left.