Why do a lot of men seem to think it's 1954 not 2024?

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I have been on here for a while and it seems that women seem to be expected to do the bulk of child care, housework, have jobs and manage everything to do with the house from renewing tv licences to employing all trades people.
In real life I know several men like this. They work, have their hobbies, go to the pub, have weekends away with the lads.
Of course I also know men that pull their weight. But child care and housework seems to be women's work.
Why does it get put up with?
Is it because their mothers did everything for them?

Im male but have always discussed and agreed with my wife who does what. Until a couple of years ago I worked 70+ hours a week at this time of year so she did most things. I'm retired now so have a nice cleaning rota, manage her business accounts but still have time to see my mates etc...

I suppose I'm asking aibu for asking why their isn't a fair balance in most partnerships.

Yes, this is common. It's the old bait and switch tactic.
Which is why I bristle when people say; "Well why did you marry him then?" If we knew who they really were, we would not have.

There is no justice. ☹️ My sympathies.

Nope. You were lucky that he cared whether or not you stayed. Many of them don't. It's not your "strength." It's his desire to keep you. Lots of women do the same thing and it produces no results.
Also, it's not like you can just leave your kids hungry and filthy because the bastard refuses to feed or bathe them.
Could you have just left like that and leave the kids with a lazy partner? Of course not. They would not be cared for properly.
This smugness and blaming of women has to stop. Grownass men are responsible for what they do or don't do, not women.

Absolutely.

I had exactly this situation in my marriage to another woman - so, whilst I agree it is usually a male trait it isn't exclusively so.
For me, it started out that I was just the more caring and more practical one out of the two of us. So I initially took on tasks that took care of my ex (cooking her favourite meals, making sure things were as she liked them) and I felt appreciated. Meanwhile, if we had any flat pack furniture to build or minor repairs to carry out, I would also be deemed as the better person to do those....
Of course over the years we had more responsibilities and there were more and more of these tasks. Also, my ex stopped appreciating me and started expecting me to do them. Then throw a baby into the mix, and an elderly relative (hers) that needed looking after.
I guess what I am saying is, it was incremental. My natural tendency to want to help people and her natural tendency to be an entitled piss-taker took us to a point where I was run ragged, she still wasn't satisfied, there were huge imbalances in our relationship and the ick was palpable.
So I always laugh to myself when posters ask why a woman puts up with it. Often it isn't a switch, it starts with you cooking nice meals for your new partner because you enjoy cooking and ends with you not being allowed to go out for a guilt free evening because you are the designated family chef.

@TheChipsAreOnFire that’s a good point. It can be human nature unfortunately to take advantage of others be it deliberately or sub
consciously.

I used to live with another woman - not in a relationship she was just a housemate - and she used to leave her dishes in the sink for 3/4days and didn’t take out the bin.

I couldn’t stand the smell from the bin and having a cluttered sink so I’d do that initially when I first moved in as I didn’t feel comfortable telling her to do it.

For some reason she then became entitled and seemed to think dishes and especially the bins were my job. I waited it out with the bin once despite the stench, and I could see her getting annoyed I wasn’t taking it out.

She eventually got the message when I stopped washing her dishes and would only take the bin out every other time, but her whole attitude changed when I stopped doing those certain tasks.

@Cremeroulety
It is exactly that - human nature. I think men generally do have more of a sense of entitlement than women, for all kinds of obvious reason, but it isn't exclusively male.
You have seen how easily you fell into doing the washing up and bins for your housemate (who I assume that you didn't have any romantic feelings for / responsibility towards) and how easily she made you feel like it was your job and not hers (even though I doubt you enjoyed doing it, you probably were no more able than she was and there was no legitimate reason for it to fall on your shoulders). Then it was a bit of a struggle / inconvenience to prove the point that it wasn't exclusively your job and her attitude towards you changed afterwards.

Imagine how much more difficult it is when you are legally bound to someone by marriage, you have a whole host of emotionally involvement / attachment, there are many many more jobs and not just the two you mentioned, any new or one off things that come up just easily get added to the list too and you have a child together who will also be inconvenienced greatly if nobody does these jobs.

The good news is that I have learnt my lesson. I am in a new fledgling relationship now and have chosen carefully. The second that I feel like something is out of balance or I am not being appreciated I call him up on it.
We genuinely appreciate the little things that we do for each other without thought, because nobody has ever done those little things for either of us before.

Ironic I know, ex was no good entitled piss-taking woman and new person is male but an actual partner in the true sense of the word.

Imagine how much more difficult it is when you are legally bound to someone by marriage, you have a whole host of emotionally involvement / attachment, there are many many more jobs and not just the two you mentioned, any new or one off things that come up just easily get added to the list too and you have a child together who will also be inconvenienced greatly if nobody does these jobs.

Completely agree! @TheChipsAreOnFire I can’t even imagine trying to address a one sided situation like that with romantic feelings or children involved. Sadly that wasn’t even the first time I’d fallen into the role of cleaning up after a housemate, although thankfully it was the last time!

The good news is that I have learnt my lesson. I am in a new fledgling relationship now and have chosen carefully. The second that I feel like something is out of balance or I am not being appreciated I call him up on it.
We genuinely appreciate the little things that we do for each other without thought, because nobody has ever done those little things for either of us before.

That’s lovely to hear! I’ve learnt my lesson too and make sure I’m not the only one doing the heavy lifting be it practically or emotionally in my friendships/relationships.

Ironic I know, ex was no good entitled piss-taking woman and new person is male but an actual partner in the true sense of the word.

Yeah although men may be particularly good at it they definitely don’t have a monopoly on the piss taking front ! I’ve only ever dated men but I’ve had more than enough CF female friends and housemates.

Yep

It’s just so ingrained in society I fear. In theory our house has a pretty even split but in practice far far more of the housework and mental load fall to me. When DH and I moved in together he did far more than me housework wise and not only complained about it but criticised everything I did unless it was done his way and to his liking. We had loads of arguments about it, some things I eventually caved and did his way just for an easy life.
Now he moans about how much there is to do around the house (he’s WFH and I’m not) but only one of us gets to relax on the sofa at the end of the day while the other runs around cleaning up from dinner. It’s like cuz he earns more than me (typical) he’s allowed a rest and I’m not. I start working from the moment I get up til the moment I go to bed. My job is much more stressful than his too!
And we are in our mid/late twenties so it doesn’t bode well for the future.

I have a 1954 husband. I work full time, and carry most of the mental and physical load. He stepped up a little bit with the physical load couple of years ago but the damage is done. Every so often I’m reminded that his bigger salary subsidises me. I have decided I want to leave him but he is a good father and he is a good person apart from this selfishness/entitlement and that holds me back. We both have ADHD yet I just had to get on with it. I now read that there are a lot of men out there like this, am I overreacting as it seems to be acceptable and widespread?

@Queserasera1 Is that even a 1954 husband? While many women especially working class women worked in the 50s, I’d say not as many wives were working in full-time paid work and carrying most of the physical load on top of the domestic load? Many more women were SAHM.

I fear what we are seeing now is more of a modern form of misogyny where men are being selectively traditional.

As to it being widespread and acceptable,I think it depends on your circle, I have a couple of friends who have men like you describe. However most of my friends work and have more equal relationships and personally I wouldn’t put up with the situation you describe at all. The women I know who are SAHM do most of the housework & cooking which is fair.

My partner cooks more than me and cleans etc just as much. He definitely shares the mental load too. We both work in similar roles. If we had kids I hope he’d keep this same energy but who knows.

Every so often I’m reminded that his bigger salary subsidises me

He doesn’t sound like a very nice person!

I think you are enabling your 1954 DH @Queserasera1 .

@Cremeroulety He is really not that bad, or maybe I have low standards. To be fair he cooks often as I decided I can’t do it all. He is good with the kids. But years of carrying it all has lead to resentment and disrespect and I fear it cannot be changed. I have accepted it because I’m also not perfect.

@Mukirinessly I’m afraid I have. And now I wonder if I just have to accept it as I allowed it for so long. Stepped right into the mum role for him.

Well you know what goes on in your household better than me and I don’t know the specifics beyond what you’ve outlined.

But you did suggest he’s selfish, entitled and reminds you that he earns more than you, while you do carry most of the mental and physical load which you now -understandbly- resent.

So just going on that, he doesn’t meet
the threshold of a great partner based on my standards anyway! 😬

I have accepted it because I’m also not perfect.

No one in this world is perfect but to doesn’t mean we should accept poor and unfair treatment from someone who’s supposed to love and cherish us .

I had a friend who tolerated this for a decade, she ended up getting so ill with multiple stress related illness she divorced her husband and was signed off for 2 years while being burnt out . I had another friend whose partner does so little and she has always just tolerated it but I feel when she was going through a difficult legal battle and reliving childhood trauma, she realised just exactly how unsupported she was by him.

Men who can’t even pitch in fairly and equally during “good times” are usually horrendously passive and detached in the more difficult periods of your life. Just something to bear in mind!

I do appreciate it is hard to get someone to change and it’s a difficult situation once you are married and have kids though, so I’m in no way minimising the challenge ahead you face and it’s completely up to you how you play it.

But to answer your original question no I don’t think it’s acceptable.

The only thing you need to consider is if it's acceptable to you. What other people consider acceptable shouldn't enter into it. You have indicated that it is not acceptable to you, is not the kind of life you want to live. You don't need any other reason to leave that situation than that.

@Cremeroulety Thank for your reply. Being ND myself I know I’m not the easiest person which is why I put up with it so long. He has been supportive with a lot of things but the daily slog and everything that comes with it has been hard and that’s the majority of life. I think he can change in relation to doing housework but the rest not. What I meant with hard to change is that my resentment and disrespect can’t change which is why I want to seperate. But as I now see there is so many men like that I wondered if perhaps I am overreacting (due to being ND) and if his behaviour is indeed normal.

@XChrome Thank you for your reply. I know all this but as I am so used to thinking of other people, it is very hard to put myself first. I am currently having councelling to work on my own self image and confidence.

Good on you. That's a wise decision.

As a mother of a disabled person it is hard for me to put myself first as well. What I come back to is the oxygen mask analogy. You can't help anyone else unless you put on your own oxygen mask first.