To not help my elderly baby boomer parents

[DebbieDownerBB]

Baby Boomer parents still married and are in their mid-seventies. My DM hasn’t worked since she was in her early 50’s due to chronic poor health (fibromyalgia etc). She was part-time / self-employed most of her 40’s. They moved overseas in their mid-50’s and DF was able to get well-paying work (physically hard job). He was on good money for 10-15 years and retired at 70. My DM was in charge of the finances until she was diagnosed with dementia in her early 70’s due to FND, history of depression , anxiety , arthritis etc.

During her late 50’s-early 60’s she spent a lot of money on things such as cruises and holidays, surgeries (expensive dental work , bariatric surgery x 2, tummy tuck, face lift ) and things like jewellery. DF buried his head in the sand re: finances.

I am late Gen X, moved out of house at 18, was able to get a degree and pay off my large student loan. I’ve been with my DH since I was 19 and he has been very fortunate to earn a lot of money in recent years. Since we had our child I have not returned to work (I guess it’s a very traditional family set up ). Child is in primary school.

I live a 12 hour drive away or a quick flight from my parents (I moved to their country in 2010). My brother is even further away - 2 flights and never visits them. We have suggested many times that they move close to either my brother or myself but they have refused. My child is their only grandchild and they’ve met him about 7 times since he was born. They are not active grandparents at all - even when visiting.

My mother constantly rings me pleading poverty and is anxious about what will happen to her if DF dies before her. They have a meager pension and savings, their home is mortgage free. They live comfortably day to day on their pension.

She just called today to announce that DF‘S knees are in terrible condition and he needs at least one knee replacement. Would cost considerable if done privately. Stupidly they had great health insurance but had recently swapped to another company and didn’t realise joint replacements weren’t covered. I’m fuming at their stupidity. I’m also fuming that she wasted so much money and lived beyond her means (something they would have judge US on if we had done the same thing). His knees have been bad for a good 15 years. I asked about going public but she says it would be 9 years on the waiting list. They do have private super / savings they could use to pay private but I guess DM is not wanting to dip into this in case she needs it all later. I feel so awkward as I think she feels I should help her financially but DH is not keen on the idea. She’s a very shallow, gossipy woman so she hasn’t done herself any favours over the years (we aren’t very close ). Besides , he has his DM to think about.

AIBU not helping her or feeling obligated to do so?

Parents have gott loads of money and it would be totally unreasonable of them to expect you to pay for their surgery! They've got £200k in savings and they're reluctant to fork out £25k ? FFS!

I didn’t think I’d add anything but yes, they technically aren’t in poverty. I really wish people would read through all my comments. I’m fuming about the health insurance and the excessive spending (mostly the insurance as they are still living fine on their pension ).

Apparently I’m a lazy witch for not working. I don’t judge my mother for not working in her 50’s + at all. She couldn’t work.

Yes, I am a SAHM by choice but we can afford it. I was with my DH for almost 20 years before having my child (I worked for 15 years before this) and by that stage we didn’t need my income at all. My DH earns about 10x what I would earn full time. We were broke students when we met. My profession meant rostered shifts, working weekends or very early starts which tbf I didn’t want to do anymore with a small child. I love taking them to school, watching sports carnivals etc and being a hands on mum. I don’t begrudge a parent that works/keep their career though. I’m very privileged to make my choice.

Oh and I will talk to my Dad. The knee op I only found out about yesterday.

I think if they have 200k savings they can afford the operation and if he is at risk of becoming immobile then it would be worth doing. I don’t think they should ask you for the money.

I sympathise OP. Don’t plan to pay for my MIL either (my side won’t need financial help).

But in our case, both DH and I contribute equally to household funds. You’ve got an easy out to say no if your parents ask you, as your DH is the earner.

People don't like spending their savings, but it's exactly what they're there for. If something more is needed further down the line they'll cross that bridge when they get to it.

£25k is a drop in the ocean for care costs, so it won't make any difference.

They have the money, they need to learn from their mistake in picking the wrong provider/plan.

That was once true but It is now used as an insult.

”OK Boomer” - a phrase used to denote extreme contempt.

Boomer is the term used when alleging that anyone born in the baby boom years is without exception wealthy, self-interested, greedy, grabbed all the country’s wealth, are the sole cause of the current generation’s hardships and never faced any difficulties themselves.

Dog whistle divide and rule hate strategy.

And people aren’t ‘triggered’ - it isn’t being triggered (or professionally offended, the next phrase waiting in the wings) to point out that a phrase is rude. It’s just pointing something out.

As an aside, your comment “SAHM by choice” stands out.. We've all probably seen female friends take this path in life and be absolutely buggered when their OH absconds/has an affair/dies/early ill health retires. It’s not a strong position to be in.

But that may just be on my mind because I’ve spent this afternoon having my ear bent by an old friend who is destitute leaving a long marriage, because she decided not to work for the past 20 years and seems (by her own admission/failed job search now) to be unemployable in her late 40’s 🤦🏼‍♀️

They have savings - that's what they are for. There is no reason for you to help.

If your dm is worried what she will do if df dies, it's simple. She could sell the house and downsize like most people do.

I don't see an issue.

My reading of your post shows you are angry with your mum which is fair enough, but it’s your dad that’s in pain, and who you would actually be helping by financing the operation. (he may end up needing both done?)

I guess you could pay for the op but with the proviso that you take over the administration of their healthcare?

It's still just a demographic term that's commonly used in research. There's a stereotype that all Baby Boomers are I'm-OK-Jack Daily Mail-reading resource-hoarding seventysomethings just as there's a stereotype that all Gen Xers are stoners and all Millenials are beige-wearing neurotics and all Gen Z are lazy oat-latte swilling iPhone addicts. But they're all just silly stereotypes. The demographic terms are just shorthand for age groupings, and useful from a research and reporting perspective. It's nothing personal, and it didn't seem to me at all that the OP intended anything personal by it.

200k ? And she wants your dosh? Even if I ADORED my parents the answer would be no!

Don’t help if you don’t want to. They can use their savings. But, don’t expect much when they die.

Could she sell some of her jewellery that she bought? She's going to have to cut her cloth to her new means and this is not for you to resolve. Worst case scenario your brother will have to get involved and your parents may have to move. There may be no other option open to them at that point.

OP, they can pay for it themselves.
Far better they spend their money on something useful that she fritters it away.
I have very little sympathy for people who are "spend today and let tomorrow take care of itself"....but then start whinging when tomorrow actually arrives.

You sound possibly medical, if so you have made a decision that serves your family well. Juggling on call/ shift work for two careers realistically needs live in care for children, hence why so often compromise is sought.

It costs OP £25k either way, so not sure what difference it would make. People need to stop using inheritances as threats to keep their kids on side or they'll be fucked if the money does run out. If uour kids don't want to look after you, ask yourself why.

I bet you don't refuse any inheritance though will you? 😀

Geezo. A 9 YEAR wait for a knee replacement?
I'm in Scotland, and thought that the 19 months I've to wait is a while. It's about £14k a knee to go private here.

This I totally agree with. Hence why I live in relative frugality so that I don't have to rely on my DC for anything. Hopefully. I don't want them to take care of me because they think they will get an inheritance.

If they are in France, and your father legally worked, he paid into the French pension and health systems which should cover your mother’s knee operation in the local public hospital.

Does their £200k saved make any difference ?

Obviously. They're not destitute, are they? Plenty of money to pay for an operation themselves.

When her cognitive functions were still OK she spent without a thought to the future. And since she now has that £200K in savings she should start using that before expecting family to help. She's not your responsibility.

You obviously don't want to help so don't.
Personally I wouldn't care if my parents used their money on holidays and cruises in fact I would be happy my parents had a good life. I certainly would not see them suffer because of it.

I wouldn't either, but equally, if they decide to spend all their money on cruises and cosmetic surgery, I would not expect them to come to me for money for essentials such as knee surgery. And you do reap what you sow - if you've been ungenerous to your kids, don't expect generosity in return.

Why are you so invested in this @DebbieDownerBB ?

You clearly don't like your Mum and show no love for her or your father in your posts. You seem to be jealous despite being very well off yourself in your 40s.

You're also very quick later on to 'defend' her for not working when posters accuse you of repeating her behaviour.

You said she only worked p/t and self employed till her 40s. This implied you felt she was not pulling her weight.

Funny how she managed all those holidays on cruises, (alone) in a motorhome, and had surgery on her face even though she was too ill to work. Makes me wonder if she was leading another life on her own.

If you've chosen to give up work in your early 40s to be a SAHM that's your choice (your old job sounds like working in care, hospitality or a hospital.) But what about when your child is at school full time? As others have said, you need to protect yourself against being unemployable should your marriage break up.

Your mum and dad don't need your money.
Let it go.

But I still think you need counselling to talk about the anger you have towards your parents.

I'm a baby boomer but I'm not offended by your use of that phrase.
However, you say it with disdain, not just a factual description of who they are.