To not help my elderly baby boomer parents

[DebbieDownerBB]

Baby Boomer parents still married and are in their mid-seventies. My DM hasn’t worked since she was in her early 50’s due to chronic poor health (fibromyalgia etc). She was part-time / self-employed most of her 40’s. They moved overseas in their mid-50’s and DF was able to get well-paying work (physically hard job). He was on good money for 10-15 years and retired at 70. My DM was in charge of the finances until she was diagnosed with dementia in her early 70’s due to FND, history of depression , anxiety , arthritis etc.

During her late 50’s-early 60’s she spent a lot of money on things such as cruises and holidays, surgeries (expensive dental work , bariatric surgery x 2, tummy tuck, face lift ) and things like jewellery. DF buried his head in the sand re: finances.

I am late Gen X, moved out of house at 18, was able to get a degree and pay off my large student loan. I’ve been with my DH since I was 19 and he has been very fortunate to earn a lot of money in recent years. Since we had our child I have not returned to work (I guess it’s a very traditional family set up ). Child is in primary school.

I live a 12 hour drive away or a quick flight from my parents (I moved to their country in 2010). My brother is even further away - 2 flights and never visits them. We have suggested many times that they move close to either my brother or myself but they have refused. My child is their only grandchild and they’ve met him about 7 times since he was born. They are not active grandparents at all - even when visiting.

My mother constantly rings me pleading poverty and is anxious about what will happen to her if DF dies before her. They have a meager pension and savings, their home is mortgage free. They live comfortably day to day on their pension.

She just called today to announce that DF‘S knees are in terrible condition and he needs at least one knee replacement. Would cost considerable if done privately. Stupidly they had great health insurance but had recently swapped to another company and didn’t realise joint replacements weren’t covered. I’m fuming at their stupidity. I’m also fuming that she wasted so much money and lived beyond her means (something they would have judge US on if we had done the same thing). His knees have been bad for a good 15 years. I asked about going public but she says it would be 9 years on the waiting list. They do have private super / savings they could use to pay private but I guess DM is not wanting to dip into this in case she needs it all later. I feel so awkward as I think she feels I should help her financially but DH is not keen on the idea. She’s a very shallow, gossipy woman so she hasn’t done herself any favours over the years (we aren’t very close ). Besides , he has his DM to think about.

AIBU not helping her or feeling obligated to do so?

Indeed, which is why there have been numerous suggestions for the OP to speak to her dad, which she has ignored.

And you know they’re in the same country as OPs parents and hence on the same waiting list do you?

"I asked about going public but she says it would be 9 years on the waiting list"

They have a meager pension and savings, their home is mortgage free.

It was in the op.

I don’t know why anyone would expect good financial management from someone with poor mental health - boomer or whatever.

Why is boomer dad being excused for having fun on cruises in his later years while you are blaming your poor boomer mum for everything despite her poor health.

It’s up to your father to sort this not you. They’re his knees!

Perhaps you could start a spreadsheet and add up all their financial investment in you from when were born. It’ll help with the gen x resentment.

Thanks for all the feedback. From the polling it’s a clear winner.

I mean family dynamics can be a delicate thing. I’m more than happy to discuss with DH about helping them out when they are older and need more care etc. I think that discussion would have gone down better if both myself and DH had a closer relationship with my parents. Maybe I should have a chat with my brother and get his opinion too. I think he is still NC with my mother atm which isn’t helpful.

Theres A LOT of things that happened in my family that I haven’t divulged on here so your opinion of me or what you might do in similar circumstances are totally different. 😊

I do feel your pain though as I was thinking earlier today about how 35 years ago my mother expected myself and my older brother to 'pick up the reins' financially after my father left her when I was 21 - she was 48 at the time. She hadn't worked for over 20 years, and like your mother burned through my father's large salary as quickly as he earned it. No pensions, no savings, no provisions made for retirement, etc.

Like your husband, mine at the time would have never agreed to helping her out financially - we had a large mortgage to pay on the average wage back then. Add in that my then mother in law had been getting up at 5am every weekday for 20 years to go and be a cleaner at the local Town Hall ... it just wasn't going to happen. My older brother, like you, was pissed off at being expected to support my mother after witnessing the sheer wastage of money during our childhood/teenage years.

It took a good couple of years before my mother adjusted to her new financial reality. She made some spectacular mistakes, like spending £800 (equivalent of £2K in 2024) on carpets for a very expensive rented flat she only lived in for 18 months (and had to leave behind).

Exactly this. Oh that sounds tough what are you going to do about it mum.

I would still speak directly to your Dad about his knees though. Seriously, they’re extremely painful and he should get them replaced before he gets any older. The operations will just get more risky as he ages.

What country? Prices of private operations and waiting times vary a lot but someone here is bound to be able to give you an idea of either number is right. Typically knees are a few months to 2 years here currently, but it's shorter based on extreme need.

Although calling your parents boomers doesn't change

The whole point of saving is to have money for your old age. Now they are in their old age and have money. I get that it's hard to spend money, when you got it by not spending when you could, but now is precisely the time when they should be spending it.

I don't have any suggestions for magic ways to get this message across to your DM, but perhaps you can frame it in terms of a positive success ("You saved that money all that time for when you needed it, and now it's here when you do -- clever you!" [but don't say it like that!!!]), to counter what she may see as a negative ("That's 17 nights on a Silversea cruise to Antarctica that I can't go on now").

They own a house and have 200K in savings so there is no way in the world you should be expected to pay, it would be ridiculous.

However, there is a distinct whiff here of Mean Boomer sitting on their pile of wealth and expecting other people to fund them, with the (odd) addition of Profligate Boomer spending 100K on cosmetic surgery. You don't like your mother, maybe you have good reason, but I think your goal in posting here was to virtue signal your own prudence and vent that dislike.

Oh, the 'baby boomers' epithet -- it was quite neutral until the last 10 years or so, when some people began to frame it as 'selfish older people sitting on a pile of wealth, property and gilt-edged pensions while the younger generations have it so hard.'
Yeah, like we did when mortgages were rationed and it was not uncommon for people to wait until middle age to get one, even with decent savings. I remember queues outside building societies at the start of each month as the allocation was released.
Then we had interest rates shooting up to 15 per cent or thereabouts and the many repossessions when home owners couldn't afford the repayments.
Not to mention unemployment rates in the 70s and into the 80s. I graduated from university with a serious degree, but it took me five years to get a serious graduate level job.
But never mind, we worked and saved and didn't expect everything to fall into our laps all at once, with minimum effort.
When I got married in the late 70s yes, we had a house but absolutely nothing to furnish it with except a single bed given to us by friends, a dining table bought in a flood sale and a flip-top bin for the kitchen. Everything else was saved up for and bought, mostly second hand, as and when we could afford it.

And OP is just as lazy by her criteria as she's making her mum out to be, choosing to be a SAHM to a 12 year old.

What has Boomers or Gen X got to do with it? Odd way to think.

A lot of OP bashing here, any need? I think If you found they couldn't afford to pay the electricity bill or to put beans on their toast you'd help out OP, an I right? But their definition of poverty stricken is very different to mine, I suspect. (I'm lower end of boomer age, living on a state pension and managing, so excuse my lack of sympathy for them, finance wise!)

Yabvvu for the baby boomer label and ageist.
Yanbu for letting your parents get on with it. They need to use the savings and stop whinging.

Could the pleading poverty, seeing things worse than they are be part of the dementia? I only ask because a friend was calling me with all sorts of tales of woe, she was crying and sounded genuinely distressed ( I suppose she was). I r spoke to her husband and he told me she’s been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and all her worries are part of this, they’re not broke, they don’t owe money, the gas isn’t being cut off etc etc

My mum is a boomer, my dad prewar and as a short hand it's useful. Left school at 16, worked, frugal, striked for the unions, lots of stand on your own two feet.
I left at 18, little practical or monetary support since.
They went on a spend, spend, spend when my mum hit 50. Also became increasingly racist, sexist, anti union.
I absolutely get where your coming from. It's not even the amounts or the savings, it's all the comments and justifications of their lifestyle over different periods and how it's inconsistent.
Makes me think very carefully about how I parent my kids.

In the case of MIL she didn't want to waste her holiday fund on anything 'practical' and a knee replacement would be considered practical.

And yes she did panic when they burnt through so much and outsourced as much as expenditure as she could.

I'm not sure the op's tone or telling pps to 'calm down', has helped her case.

No I don't think you are obliged, given your DH is the earner even more so. You'll just feel resentful if you do. They have money and they have to use it.

I find it strange in your first post how you say DH isn’t keen on helping, plus he has his mother to think about. It came across as he is the bread winner and his parents count, yours doesn’t. Perhaps I understood that incorrectly.

My mum was a bit like yours. Spent a lot, travelled, had loads of holidays, and when my dad (her ex who she got on well with) used to say “you’ll have no money left when you need it” she’d reply “ just shoot me, I’m enjoying it while I can”. Only of course you can’t just shoot anyone and so I am doing nearly all her care, and have done for 5 years now. My mum and I weren’t particularly close, but I certainly wouldn’t have turned my back on her.

If they have savings then no excuse for them not to use it, as you say, you don’t work so it would be your DH savings not yours, so YANBU