Husband doesn't want to see my mum

[Mixitupx]

I have been married to my husband for 10 years, together for approx 17.
His parents are no longer around so we spend a lot of time with my family.
I have 2 DS and my mum has been looking after them 1 day a week for the past 8 years. She also has them in the school holidays as well as being the main babysitter if we ever want a night out or mini break which can be up to 4 x a year.
I am incredibly grateful for what she does for us. P.S my dad is also around but it's mainly mum who provides the support, haha!
My mum can be quite nit picky and often has some sort of opinion to offer. This has resulted in my brother and his family opting to see her less but I tend to just answer back.
My mum and dad also bicker and often complain about each other which can be annoying.
On the days my parents have the kids we will collect them after work and stay for dinner. My husband says he no longer wants to do this as he is sick of the nit picking and also the bickering. He would prefer to pick them up and come straight home. I feel this is quite rude, especially as she has looked after the kids all day and picked 1 up from school.
So the question is - Am I being unreasonable to ask my Husband to suck it up for 2 hours a week (and a cooked meal) to stay at my parents when we collect the kids?

I have no real quarrel with my in laws, I still only see them when i feel like it or a really big event like an 80th birthday or a 50th wedding anniversary.
Life is too short to spend a lot of time (and a weekly dinner is a lot of time) with people I dont much care about.
For OP you carry on as you like it, let your husband do differently.
My husband sees his mum weekly more or less, I'm happy he likes her enough to do that, but hes always asked if I want to go and not said anything bad if I say no. If he tried to force me to go, we would have a problem. I am an adult, i will, choose how to fill my time.
And I knew a couple who constantly bickered, I hated it. I was unsurprised when they split up after 30 years. The bickering I heard was low level hatred of each other, disguised as bickering. I don't know how their children fared, they appeared to ignore it mostly, but I dont think it's a great way to be around children. But they are your kids, you know if its ok or not.

I have this problem with my brother in law. He's a vile human who constantly feels the need to comment on things I do as a mum. I refuse to spend anytime with him now and point blank won't go to my in laws if I know he'll be there. My partner doesn't try to force me to go or even stay if he turns up.

Trust me when I say this sometimes I wish my kids would pick up and go 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️, after having our wonderful blessings all day, you could be feeling the way you are for no good reason but your own sentiment, you could just tell your mum that it will be a grab and and go 🛍️ but once a week stay for half an hour and a chat ☕ make time with the parents about them instead of just visiting because of grandparents kindness with the extra hands it must cost them to feed you all 👪, now this may not even be the case but it's good to have a differing opinion 💭 you need private family time after work in your own home also, and could be outstaying your welcome with out realising, parents would never admit it but do feel it when our kids are grown , we're only human 🏡 #FamilyTime #Communication #Respect

Couldn’t think of anything worse, yr hubby has the right idea

Can you give an example of the nitpicking?

But I hate this attitude 'its just what they're like'... and expect everyone to put up with shitty behaviour and never to retaliate or question it. And God forbid they ever have anyone treat them the same!

You are not being unreasonable, however your husband can choose to do what he likes, even if it is a bit rude and ungrateful, imho, as long as he is playing an equal role in looking after the children. If not, that's a different matter, but he can make his own decisions about his approach to life, as can you.

I agree - my grandparents mostly brought me up and they had a terrible relationship arguing all the time. But my Nan was the centre of my world. I am so grateful for having her in my life and seeing their difficult relationship- well, that’s just part of life. Everything is not all lollipops and rainbows. She was a wonderful person.

Well they are looking after his children and giving him opportunities to go out, take trips away etc. It would be a way of showing appreciation rather than offending people who are helping you. Sometimes you have to put yourself out for people who help you and to make your wife/family happy. It's not a huge hardship eating dinner someone has cooked for you. 🤷

Your husband's choosing to have healthy boundaries rather than putting up with someone else's BS. Good on him I say.

I couldn't handle dinner with my in-laws once a week, as much as I love them. Once a week is a lot. YABU.

Agreed. They can be like that, doesn't mean everyone has to sit there quietly and put up with it. Natural consequences!

But you are hurting someone. You are hurting DH who has made it clear he doesn't want to continue. Why do his feelings matter less than your mums? Is it because her difficult personality means you are always trying to keep her happy on some
subconscious level?

its not a great dynamic for kids to be exposed to OP. You could start softly, oh I've started a hobby/night course online and need to get back to get organised etc, if you don’t want to cause outright offence … but overall you might need to look at your boundaries with your mum. It’s ok to speak up when someone’s behaviour is causing problems. But only you will know if she has the capacity to actually hear you. Given the situation with your brother. I’d guess she doesn't think she is the problem.

I’d be more concerned that your children are being exposed to their grandparents arguing frequently. YABU I wouldn’t wanna deal with that either.