Husband doesn't want to see my mum

[Mixitupx]

I have been married to my husband for 10 years, together for approx 17.
His parents are no longer around so we spend a lot of time with my family.
I have 2 DS and my mum has been looking after them 1 day a week for the past 8 years. She also has them in the school holidays as well as being the main babysitter if we ever want a night out or mini break which can be up to 4 x a year.
I am incredibly grateful for what she does for us. P.S my dad is also around but it's mainly mum who provides the support, haha!
My mum can be quite nit picky and often has some sort of opinion to offer. This has resulted in my brother and his family opting to see her less but I tend to just answer back.
My mum and dad also bicker and often complain about each other which can be annoying.
On the days my parents have the kids we will collect them after work and stay for dinner. My husband says he no longer wants to do this as he is sick of the nit picking and also the bickering. He would prefer to pick them up and come straight home. I feel this is quite rude, especially as she has looked after the kids all day and picked 1 up from school.
So the question is - Am I being unreasonable to ask my Husband to suck it up for 2 hours a week (and a cooked meal) to stay at my parents when we collect the kids?

This.

The common denominator is your parents. You seem to be the only one enabling them.

Team DH.

One of my childhood memories of my grandparents is having a cut and needing cream and a plaster and them arguing over whether the yellow packaged pink germolene of my grandads should be used over the more well known pink packaged white version of my Nans because like everything they possibly could they had separated versions
i still loved them though! And I look back and laugh

Sorry, WHAT?

He's an adult. WHO made you the arbiter?

Nope, I don't like the misconception and the responses regarding my children, rather than the actual question I asked!

All I know is every adult around them has gone low or no contact that tells us all we need to know about this 'bickering' and 'nit picking'.

People do not stop spending time with their own parents over a bit of light bickering. They just don't.

Your poor dh clearly does not like them, he probably hates having to rely on them for his kids. At best they must be so annoying, at worst absolutely toxic.

Op came here to hear he was being unreasonable, and we told her the truth, now she is closing the thread because it was the wrong answer....

Social services optional 😂

Can't you just pick up the kids on your own and eat there? And say your husband is now working late those days or something?

Ahh you clearly misread my reasoning just as you misread my original post.
I am quite happy to accept that I am/was indeed being unreasonable about asking my husband to stay for dinner.
He loves my parents very very much and in no way would describe their behaviour as 'toxic'.
He also has no problem with our children spending time with them because.... well unlike everyone on this post he actually knows them.

People are allowed to have an opinion OP. I grew up with bickering, nit picky grandparents and all of my early memories of them are of them either criticising me, my siblings or my parents or arguing with each other about stupid shit. You might not think it's a harmful environment but it can be, and people are allowed to point that out. It's an open forum.

My husband absolutely loves my mam and dad and we still only have dinner with them a couple of times a month, I think your husband has been an excellent sport putting up with this once a week for years. You need to find a compromise here.

As is often said on threads where men are bending over backwards to keep their mother's happy - why would you rather upset your spouse and life partner than your mother?

Maybe it is just too much. My Il and my own DM&DP are all lovely but i do not want to spend '2 hours every week' eating dinner with them on my way home from work. I am busy, I am tired, I have been at work, I have stuff to do when I get home. Maybe the 'nitpicking' is just an excuse for what it a chunk of down time each week that he wants to spend at home.
You describe what sounds like a toxic environment and then defend it but even if it was the happiest place on earth it might just be that he has had enough. Going to your own parents house is not the same emotional and joyful experience for your DH as it is for you. Maybe its become a chore at the end of a day of daily grind.
Compromise is key in this situation

To answer your actual question OP, I do think your husband has a point here and you should take account of his wishes. He’s not being unreasonable.

It gives you a difficult situation to manage but it should be doable with a combination of homework-type excuses, your DH dropping you off and coming back later and seeing them at weekends etc.

There's being safe with practical things and then being safe emotionally to be around. Suspect it's the former and not the latter you are referring to. You've been groomed/programmed to accept it. Not nice for children to be around. I used to think similar and let my mother look after my child even though her and my dad "bickered" . If I had my time again I'd not do it.

So you force the issue and you set a boundary, if you carry on the kids will not visit, and if they carry on you remove them.

Have a word with your parents, tell them to try and stop when you are around. They will probably do it for a while and then fall back in to the old ways, so rinse and repeat your speech to them. They’re in a pattern that they find hard to stop.

Could you give an example of the nit picking please @Mixitupx ?

I do think a gradual withdrawal is best.
Your dh is not being unreasonable.

My mum is over opinionated/nit picky.

She doesn’t keep her opinions to herself. It’s exhausting and doesn’t make for good company. I now go see her midweek in the afternoon when DH is at work, or invite her over when DH is working late. I paint it as I could do with the company. She’s always saying ‘poor DH, he’ll think that I don’t like him as I’m over when he’s away…’

Her low key opinions that she couldn’t stop pushing was slowly grinding him down. Life is exhausting enough without adding people with negative energy.

Could you spend other time with your parents as you actually enjoy their company and compromise with a cuppa picking up the DC?

OP I think there’s some wishful thinking going on. Your DH does not love your parents very very much. He may be fond of them, but he’s clearly said he doesn’t enjoy sitting through their bickering and would rather not stay for dinner every week. You naturally love being with them and don’t want to give that up.

He isn’t being unreasonable, so you need to work out a way to spend time with your family without him always having to be there.

I am calling a reverse on this one!

I wouldn’t want this much involvement with my parents at this stage of life, no. I like seeing them, and they like seeing us and playing with grandchildren, but dinner once a week, looking after the children that frequently and school pick ups, would be too intertwined for me. I think if they spend that much time with the children they kind of earn the right to have some say in how they’re brought up and I, like your Dh, couldn’t live like that.

YABU. Reminds me of my exPILs. Not bad people, just bickered a lot and it was VERY stressful to be around them. When they're your parents, you get used to it and have a level of understanding and ability to ignore the small shit that an outsider doesn't have. For your DH though, this can get unbearable and exhausting.

Drive with your husband but drop him off at a public transport route just before getting to your parents. He gets to go home alone. You get to spend time with your loved ones. The price he pays for public transport is offset against money saved on childcare by your parents having the children. After all, everything costs in some way.

Is my DH Bu?

Everyone No

OP. I'm closing this thread