Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband doesn't want to see my mum

164 replies

Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:03

I have been married to my husband for 10 years, together for approx 17.
His parents are no longer around so we spend a lot of time with my family.
I have 2 DS and my mum has been looking after them 1 day a week for the past 8 years. She also has them in the school holidays as well as being the main babysitter if we ever want a night out or mini break which can be up to 4 x a year.
I am incredibly grateful for what she does for us. P.S my dad is also around but it's mainly mum who provides the support, haha!
My mum can be quite nit picky and often has some sort of opinion to offer. This has resulted in my brother and his family opting to see her less but I tend to just answer back.
My mum and dad also bicker and often complain about each other which can be annoying.
On the days my parents have the kids we will collect them after work and stay for dinner. My husband says he no longer wants to do this as he is sick of the nit picking and also the bickering. He would prefer to pick them up and come straight home. I feel this is quite rude, especially as she has looked after the kids all day and picked 1 up from school.
So the question is - Am I being unreasonable to ask my Husband to suck it up for 2 hours a week (and a cooked meal) to stay at my parents when we collect the kids?

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 09/07/2024 13:44

YABU...My DM used to pop in to visit us and do nothing but nit pick about family members, done nothing but suck the life out of me...

LimeCookie · 09/07/2024 13:57

Good luck OP! I think this is just a simple case of working out a compromise, nothing more, nothing less. Clearly a loving family, just like with many of us it’s just a case of managing everyone’s expectations and social limits. Good luck with it all.

letsgoooo · 09/07/2024 15:36

Well I guess it depends on what you want. If you don't spend time with them and they see your dc less you will end up paying for childcare and not having the easy opportunity to take time away with dh.

If you are both happy with this then reduce contact.

People come in a package. If you don't like the annoying bits you'll possibly lose the good bits too

deeahgwitch · 09/07/2024 18:21

"People come in a package. If you don't like the annoying bits you'll possibly lose the good bits too."

True @letsgoooo

GoingOnABeachHunt · 09/07/2024 20:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Crumpleton · 09/07/2024 20:50

I am their child too and I know they want to spend time with me.

They are both retired and I know that seeing me and my family really makes them happy.

Seems a bit odd if that's the case that your DP's spend their time while in your company nit picking and bickering.
There must be so much else to chat about..

Maybe after what may feel like a long day at work plus the commute on top your DH just wants to get home and enjoy the rest of the evening in his own home winding down.

Could you tell them that as the DC get older school work takes up a bit more of the evening and you'll need to get off a bit quicker.

Maybe compensate by offering to meet for a meal/lunch/coffee on a weekend day a few times a month if time allows.

OhYeahOhYeah · 12/07/2024 13:32

Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:03

I have been married to my husband for 10 years, together for approx 17.
His parents are no longer around so we spend a lot of time with my family.
I have 2 DS and my mum has been looking after them 1 day a week for the past 8 years. She also has them in the school holidays as well as being the main babysitter if we ever want a night out or mini break which can be up to 4 x a year.
I am incredibly grateful for what she does for us. P.S my dad is also around but it's mainly mum who provides the support, haha!
My mum can be quite nit picky and often has some sort of opinion to offer. This has resulted in my brother and his family opting to see her less but I tend to just answer back.
My mum and dad also bicker and often complain about each other which can be annoying.
On the days my parents have the kids we will collect them after work and stay for dinner. My husband says he no longer wants to do this as he is sick of the nit picking and also the bickering. He would prefer to pick them up and come straight home. I feel this is quite rude, especially as she has looked after the kids all day and picked 1 up from school.
So the question is - Am I being unreasonable to ask my Husband to suck it up for 2 hours a week (and a cooked meal) to stay at my parents when we collect the kids?

I’d sooner eat my own hand, than have forced time with my in-laws once a week, personally

Do both of you need to collect the kids?

MartinsSpareCalculator · 12/07/2024 13:44

I'd just be honest and tell them that listening to them bicker and complain after a long day at work isn't how you want to spend your downtime. They can then either adjust their behaviour or not, but there's no illusions that it's OK.

Tv23456 · 12/07/2024 14:05

I think after a day's work bickering is a very annoying sound.
I cannot bear it with my teens. They do it happily among themselves like a sport but it grinds my gears.
It's like nails on a blackboard.
Bickering about music or sports teams...basically shite.

So I do get it from your husbands side but they also sound as if they have been a positive force around your children.

For your brother to see a lot less of them, is it THAT bad or an excuse?

I think I would gently say to mum/dad that if they could go easy as he is just out of stressful work and his head is fried.

I would tell him that you will speak to them but he needs to suck it up for the positives and you do not need him stressing you about it.
He could always ask them to dial it down....if he feels brave!

dcsp · 12/07/2024 14:09

DaisyChain505 · 09/07/2024 10:35

I get on with my PIL fine and I still wouldn’t want to have dinner with them one evening every week. YABU.

100% this.

I like my in-laws, but dinner with them every week would be extremely excessive (and I expect I'd stop liking them as much if we did that).

DogInATent · 12/07/2024 14:20

When you say they're opinionated, are you being polite? Is it just petty bickering or is there an element of old people being offensive?

I cut back contact with my parents massively around 2016 when it got to the point that they couldn't hold back expressing their politics about absolutely anything and everything, couldn't accept an opposing point of view, and were too blinkered to see the effect it had on my partner.

I'm with your husband and your brother on this. Sometimes that shit just ain't worth the time. If you asked him about paying for childcare that day rather than using your mother, would you be surprised or angered if he agreed that would be better than the current arrangement?

Spirallingdownwards · 12/07/2024 16:28

Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:24

Unfortunately, this wouldn't be a viable option.
The only option would be to stay or just pick up the kids and go.

Or drop him home and then go to your parents. You have decided the answer is he has to go which is why you aren't seeing there are other solutions. If you need to be joined at the hip none of you should go.

MaggieHM · 12/07/2024 19:07

Has anyone ever told your parents how their behaviour affects everyone else. Its obviously not a problem for you or your children because they are so used to it. Of course they may be too old to change but if no one has told them what it feels like to hear them they wouldn't know.

Poddledoddle · 12/07/2024 20:27

There's no way I'd be staying for 2 hours at my mother in laws after a long day at work. She can have flowers on mothers day and suck it up.

Jennaxoxox · 13/07/2024 05:20

I do get your thoughts on him not wanting to stay for dinner and you feeling that's rude, but your being seriously unfair on him. He's stated why he doesn't want to and has given you clear reasons backing up his feelings, and your like tough, your feelings aren't valid 🤣🤣 if my partner wanted me to do something I really didn't want to do, every single week, I would prob leave him 🤣 (together 19years) how often does your husband make you do things you really don't want to do? I'm assuming he doesnt make you do it for 2hours every week. Your own brother can't stand the sight of them and your thinking about forcing your husband to just suck it up 🤣🤣 honestly that's laughable, it's just so ridiculous 🤣

H12345 · 13/07/2024 06:37

Our parents sound very similar so I totally understand what you’re saying.

If my husband didn’t want to stay for dinner I would tell him to go straight home and still stay as like you I love my parents and want to spend time with them.

My children also adore them and love going round there.

It was not be a perfect family but it’s mine and I feel incredibly lucky to have them and so thankful for all they do.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 13/07/2024 07:50

We have been doing the same routine for many many years and I guess I am just worried that it will cause friction if we suddenly say we don't want to stay.

And why would there be friction because two people just want to go home after a day at work? That's perfectly reasonable, isn't it? Because they're 'difficult' people.

You've spent your whole life appeasing and pandering to them to prevent any friction. You may not realise it because this is effectively how you've learned to get through life, but now you're placing your 'difficult' parents' wishes above your husband's and it's wrong. He's put up with this for eight years and he's had enough.

He'll end up resentful, believe me. I've been in his shoes.

Readmorebooks40 · 13/07/2024 09:07

My in-laws have my kids 2 afternoons a week after school and one of those days they cook us dinner and they also have us round for Sunday dinner weekly too. I mean I think it's fab being fed twice a week. It's really really good of them & I greatly appreciate it. I do like them though, they are lovely people. I think some of the comments are quite harsh. Getting dinner cooked for you after someone has looked after your kids all day is something you should appreciate. Even if your parents are annoying it sounds like they do an awful lot for you and sometimes you have to take the rough with the smooth. Unless they are genuinely bad people/toxic I think your husband should suck it up when they do so much for him.

frequentlyfrazzled · 13/07/2024 09:15

Could your DH drop you off so you can stay for tea, then pick you up later on?

phoenixrosehere · 13/07/2024 09:21

Readmorebooks40 · 13/07/2024 09:07

My in-laws have my kids 2 afternoons a week after school and one of those days they cook us dinner and they also have us round for Sunday dinner weekly too. I mean I think it's fab being fed twice a week. It's really really good of them & I greatly appreciate it. I do like them though, they are lovely people. I think some of the comments are quite harsh. Getting dinner cooked for you after someone has looked after your kids all day is something you should appreciate. Even if your parents are annoying it sounds like they do an awful lot for you and sometimes you have to take the rough with the smooth. Unless they are genuinely bad people/toxic I think your husband should suck it up when they do so much for him.

He has though for years.

Why should he continue when he has voiced he rather not anymore because of their behaviour?

Why should he have to come every week when there is no reason OP can’t stay herself with children or he take the children with him and OP can have time with her parents?

There have plenty of posts like this from wives who don’t want to have dinner or be around their in-laws every week and plenty say they don’t/shouldn’t have to and it is too much, but OP’s husband should just “suck it up”.

OP wants to have dinner with her family, nothing is stopping her from doing so. Her husband doesn’t need to be there every time.

As long as OP and the kids are having time with her family, why does he need to be there every week?

Polly7122 · 13/07/2024 09:38

OMG it must be wonderful to have a perfect life and perfect relationships that many of you appear to have on this poor woman post.
These are her parents who her sons and her love,do any of you think maybe the dh is the one with a problem as it seems he is the only one not staying for dinner. Hope you manage to sort this situation out but our parents don't live for ever and I no longer have mine so know how hard that is. Good luck lovely and hope you sort something that suits you all. Love from a grandma

Twotimesrhymes · 13/07/2024 09:46

She’s very kind to have the kids and make dinner so he does need to take that massively into account !!
That said (and I have a pleasant mil) we paid for childcare and I have always kept my distance and that has paid off now. You will always be an in law and not real family in my opinion, it’s better not to over rely on them. Hence this situation - it’s very hurtful for her after all she has done. Everything comes at a price.

Jilky · 13/07/2024 09:49

OK so your Mum & Dad aren't perfect but it sounds like they do a lot for you & your kids. I presume your husband isn't saying they can't mind the kids so you can both work & have leisure time? Sounds like its more about him than the kids. Get him to check out the cost of childcare. That may just change his mind. In the meantime you pick the kids up by yourself. Enjoy the meal your Mum has taken the time to cook for you. Leave him to eat whatever HE cooks by himself

Juicyj1993 · 13/07/2024 09:49

My Husband really doesn't like my family and I totally get it because they are hard work. I don't see them as often as weekly but my Husband is only expected to come to 1 in 3 events where they all are (by that I mean parents and my siblings). This rest of the time he's 'busy with friends' or 'doing something with his own family' and he probably only actually goes to family events of mine two or three times a year. It isn't fair to put him in situations that he really hates and I feel uncomfortable knowing he feels uncomfortable

millymae · 13/07/2024 10:24

I haven’t read the whole thread but has anyone considered that your mum mightn’t actually want to cook a meal for you and that she’s only doing it to save you cooking when you get home.
It may be a huge relief to her and her OH if she doesn’t have to bother.
We are a close family and get on with the in-laws but I wouldn’t want to have tea with them twice a week and similarly my OH with mine.
You can have too much of a good thing and all the more so if the atmosphere isn’t particularly good. Never mind that your husband feels uncomfortable when he’s there, children pick up on things far more than we realise and it might be better for them too if they didn’t have to sit through tea with adults that didn’t get on very well.
If you are keen to continue with the arrangement because it makes things easier for you then be kind to your OH and let him go home. You can either be honest with your mum or make up a suitable excuse.