Husband doesn't want to see my mum

[Mixitupx]

I have been married to my husband for 10 years, together for approx 17.
His parents are no longer around so we spend a lot of time with my family.
I have 2 DS and my mum has been looking after them 1 day a week for the past 8 years. She also has them in the school holidays as well as being the main babysitter if we ever want a night out or mini break which can be up to 4 x a year.
I am incredibly grateful for what she does for us. P.S my dad is also around but it's mainly mum who provides the support, haha!
My mum can be quite nit picky and often has some sort of opinion to offer. This has resulted in my brother and his family opting to see her less but I tend to just answer back.
My mum and dad also bicker and often complain about each other which can be annoying.
On the days my parents have the kids we will collect them after work and stay for dinner. My husband says he no longer wants to do this as he is sick of the nit picking and also the bickering. He would prefer to pick them up and come straight home. I feel this is quite rude, especially as she has looked after the kids all day and picked 1 up from school.
So the question is - Am I being unreasonable to ask my Husband to suck it up for 2 hours a week (and a cooked meal) to stay at my parents when we collect the kids?

So can your DP drop you there and pick you up later (he can be busy every week to avoid him having to stay for tea) .
I regularly see/call my mum. DP only a couple times a month.

Lots of people love people, it doesn't mean they're good.

I'd say a key part of being an excellent caregiver is caring about the person you're looking after, and creating a good atmosphere. They aren't doing that, for your husband or your son.

What exactly makes them excellent caregivers?

I think you've got a lot of rose-tinted glasses on, which is very normal for some people. It takes a lot to "unsee" your parents as perfect, and be able to acknowledge bad behaviour and how that impacts on your life. And in your case, there will likely be some mental gymnastics involved because you've left your son there every week for X amount of time... it'll be difficult to acknowledge that might not have been the best decision, and might not be now, either.

Add in any hurt that you think they'll feel, and essentially being the "last one standing" if your brother and husband have opted out... I can see why it's tough.

But I also think you need to pull your head out of the sand for everyone's sake.

How about you do cup of tea and chat most weeks and once a month or so stay for dinner.

I get on very well with my parents and they do childcare for me but at the end of such a day neither me or DH or my parents would want dinner and instead woils
want to come home. So would my kids time to decompress and do homework

discuss with them as the kids are getting older homework will increase and this plan isn’t feasible forever

You're right OP. This isn't 'toxic behaviour' like everyone is saying. It's very common and normal for couples that have been together for years to bicker sometimes. I'm sure it's not just constant all day every day. It's not going to scar your children.

Nit picking is annoying but hey, no one's perfect!

I can relate a bit as I am very close to my parents, my partner is as well he thinks the world of them, but he wouldn't want to go there for dinner every week.

I think what someone has said about gradually decreasing how often you go could be a good idea. Trying to break the routine somehow.

Is there any after school activities the kids could join on that day?

Some people on this thread are so mean.

Who are they nit picking at? Each other, or you and DH?

I'd go with the homework / reading etc is becoming a lot more so will start staying for tea less, but will still stay once a month or so.

You could also say that you appreciate them picking children up / childcare but will get them straight home so 'they can have their evening back'

Your husband sounds like he has the right idea, tbh. It's not compulsory to all go everywhere together. Why can't he stay at home, while you pick up the kids/have dinner?

I don’t think it’s ‘toxic’ either. I just think it’s likely to be very tiresome to be around.

This. You find it annoying and you’re their daughter Your DH, as a non-blood relative will obviously find it unbearable. As in every fibre of his being will be screaming argh let me get the f out of here.
If you’re happy with being direct with them, tell them you’re sick of hearing them bickering.

Unfortunately this is one where familiarity has bred contempt. It sounds like your DH has tried but spending as much time as weekly meals with your critical mother and bickering parents is just too vexing!

Sounds like a version of FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt on your part. You don't want to stop doing it, even though it is causing active harm to what should now be your primary relationship, i.e. the one with your husband, because of loyalty to your parents, despite the fact that their behaviour sounds awful.

Your H has put up with them for a long time, he has had enough and is telling you that. Listen carefully. This kind of dynamic, where men feel railroaded into doing as their wife wishes for years, not wanting to speak up, then finally do, but their wife doesn't want to hear it because it doesn't suit her can be really, really damaging.

You keep saying 'only' one night a week, as if it is infrequent. I would HATE to have a meal with either my family or my husband's that often. Especially if the atmosphere was uncomfortable with bickering and point scoring.

Emiliania · Today 10:38
So glad all these people responding have perfect families with perfect relationships.

I think hindsight and perspective influences a lot of these replies... OP freely admits her DParents 'are stuck in a rut'. To my mind, that's where one of the key issues is coming from and hence why the OP is struggling. She can't fix her parents' relationship, even though she has had words. Her DB also has recognised this as an issue and taken a different response.

Yabu. I wouldn't want to have dinner with my inlaws every single week either!

Agreed! It's not perfect but my children are certainly not traumatised by any stretch of the imagination. They do lots of activities and have lots of fun and my older child will often request to stay the night off his own back.

I think the bickering etc is pretty irrelevant.
My dad and my husband got on fine but they didn't want to hang out together. I took the kids down to see him while husband went about his own life.

I think your husband might just need to get a mysterious "hobby" that he does that evening when you stop for dinner.
Might be gym
Might be cycling
Might be conversational Albanian.

But he goes to do that and you stay with your parents and have the meal that you want with the dynamic that feels to you like home.

You need to separate the childcare from the social time. Pick up and go on a weekday but make an effort to spend time with them at the weekend, ideally you going to theirs so your husband doesn’t find the problem transferred to his own home.

You’ve been making some big assumptions about how involved your husband wants to be in your family. He owes them some of his time as your weekends away together are down to them providing childcare, but that doesn’t mean he has to be fully absorbed into your family dynamic. I also think that you’re lucky he has decided to duck out of the family dinners rather than vocalise his feelings directly to them, which he would be perfectly entitled to do.

My DD loves her grandpa, but still feels uncomfortable around him because of his 'jokes' and his dismissive behaviour. You can love people that hurt you and young kids are even more likely to do that. Im not saying they're harming your DC, but I am saying that you can't assume things are ok because they love them and want to see them. It doesn't mean this behaviour isn't impacting them.

Of course they aren't perfect, I am fully away of that but I know they are excellent caregivers and I have no doubt of that.
You have read a 30 second post about my life which provides extremely limited detail.
The question I asked was if I was BU to ask my husband to stay and I have certainly seen a different point of view which will make me have a rethink.
However I have absolutely no regrets about leaving my children with them and I know it was and is the best decision.
I think you and many others on this post have massively overexaggerated exactly what you think goes on in this household. I am not subjecting my children to some sort of abuse!

hhow do you know theyre not like that when youre not there youre not psyhic

I can see why your husband finds the bickering very tiring because it is. My parents are the same, both retired

Mum - We went on that new road by the school on Tuesday, and on the way there...
Dad - No it was Wednesday
Mum - No it was Tuesday
Dad - No it was Wednesday, we saw Mrs Smith after we walked the dog
Mum - No that was Tuesday, we saw Mrs Smith then went into the Coop
Dad - No it was Wednesday, we didnt go into the Coop on Tuesday
Mum - Yes we did it was Tuesday

and so on, but voices get louder and i am sat there thinking "Just get to the point of the story, does it really fucking matter what day it was on?" They can even argue about what road they drove down. Both as bad as each other.

It puts me off going round or when one starts a story I am just waiting for the other one to butt in and contradict. I know DP finds it uncomfortable when they start.

Maybe drop down to once a fortnight for dinner or let DH go home.

Op you sound tiring and I am feeling sorry for your dh.

It is important to not idolise your parents though, and to see them clearly for what they are, and it might be that it is harmful for your dc to listen to the arguing.

Because I know them VERY well

Exactly this!

I will be closing this thread now as people are clearly turning this into a potential case for social services rather than the simple dilemma it actually was.
Thank you

Why do you think that is in anyway good for your kids is beyond me, but anyway your choice.

😂