Husband doesn't want to see my mum

[Mixitupx]

I have been married to my husband for 10 years, together for approx 17.
His parents are no longer around so we spend a lot of time with my family.
I have 2 DS and my mum has been looking after them 1 day a week for the past 8 years. She also has them in the school holidays as well as being the main babysitter if we ever want a night out or mini break which can be up to 4 x a year.
I am incredibly grateful for what she does for us. P.S my dad is also around but it's mainly mum who provides the support, haha!
My mum can be quite nit picky and often has some sort of opinion to offer. This has resulted in my brother and his family opting to see her less but I tend to just answer back.
My mum and dad also bicker and often complain about each other which can be annoying.
On the days my parents have the kids we will collect them after work and stay for dinner. My husband says he no longer wants to do this as he is sick of the nit picking and also the bickering. He would prefer to pick them up and come straight home. I feel this is quite rude, especially as she has looked after the kids all day and picked 1 up from school.
So the question is - Am I being unreasonable to ask my Husband to suck it up for 2 hours a week (and a cooked meal) to stay at my parents when we collect the kids?

Could you have a word with your mum? My parents bicker a lot, we don't see them as often because of distance but I have asked them to 'be on their best behavior' when I visit with the kids and my husband as I wouldn't want my DH to judge their banter negatively.

I know it's harder for you to implement the above as you see them very often but I think you could just mention that DH is finding some of this uncomfortable and you wouldn't want a change of routine because of this.

I beg to differ, money has nothing to do with it and I think that's quite disrespectful tbh.
They are excellent caregivers and they love their grandchildren.

I have had words before but it doesnt really help tbh. They are stuck in a rut :(

Do you think that you don’t want to bring it up because you don’t want to be the person who she criticises and bickers with?

What pp said about homework and other jobs to do before bedtime is a good excuse.

Not surprised.
I don't wanna see my own mother.
😂

Do they know why your brother doesn't see them as often? Does it not bother them?

I think such intolerance of extended family is quite mean, especially if one is benefitting in some way. It's much better to get on with your spouse's family if at all poss - no-one is perfect.

He has been tolerating it for YEARS. Everyone has their limit, everyone.
Teamhusband on this one.
The problems you are having OP with reading and homework is a golden excuse to dial down the dinners without much pain.

Their behaviour in nit picking and bickering is bothering other family members to the point that they are staying away. Why wouldn't this feeling extend to your DH? Your DC?

Tell your OH that you'll talk to them and then do so. Be honest, say that you've noticed an amount of bickering and nit picking creeping in over the past while, you're not the only one who is struggling with it and you wanted to let them know as you don't want it to affect family relations. Say they don't seem happy, is there anything you can help with?

Give your OH the choice to give them the swerve, get a train, whatever, you can't hold it all in place, you're all adults with free will. I'd be more concerned about the atmposphere for the DC when there's nobody else around and they're in full bickering flow to be honest.

I don't think you're unreasonable to want him to stay, but he has a right to say he doesn't want to. Some families communicate by bickering and it's actually pretty harmless, but it isn't always comfortable for outsiders to be around. Hope you can find some sort of compromise.

Absolutely it is, but that goes both ways, and relies on people not making others not want to spend time with them because of tiresome behaviour. I don’t feel blood relatives get some kind of free pass.

I’m with your husband-if people can’t be civil to each other in front of others, they need to accept people don’t want to be around them. And bickering and moaning about other people would really put me off. I’m surprised he’s bitten his tongue. I think your husband has put up with a lot actually. Could you drop him off after work and go alone to have dinner with them? And have a word with your parents-or are you prepared for your kids to put up with that shit because you don’t want to confront your parents?

In my experience nitpicking and bickering are short hand for overly critical, controlling and arguing. I would not want my toddlers exposed to this on a weekly basis.

You have normalised their behaviour to such an extent you think there is nothing wrong with it, but it is extremely unhealthy.

You weirdly do not seem to have able to have a neutral honest good look at them without becoming overly defensive. Good caregivers do not provide an environment like this for children. You may not like the truth, but that is how most of the thread see it. I sense a touch of distortion/denial and even FOG around your posts.

Yes they do but it’s still harmful to listen to arguing and nitpicking. Children absorb all of this.

OP, I think it's entirely possible you are 'bicker blind' and used to your parents so block it out.
Absolutely change the routine and the dependency now that school is about to break for the holidays.
I suggest you are offering up your children as 'entertainment and purpose' for your parents. Your kids, being there so frequently, probably means your parents aren't doing retirement things together. Are you kids the 'glue' that is keeping your parents broadly on the same page?
Truly, you should want your parents to have a retirement that does not put your DH and kids bang in the middle of the firing line.
Believe me, your DM will get more and more difficult in decades to come once she starts aging and loses her filter.

I'm with your husband. My IL were like this. It was uncomfortable to have to listen to it. Fortunately after they did something entirely unforgivable, we no longer speak. Bliss.

How old are your children? It does sound like a hostile environment if you are answering your mother back, she’s nit picking and your mum and dad are constantly bickering. I wouldn’t want to be around that!

If it’s a case of you wanting to see your parents rather than the free childcare I suggest you visit them on a weekend and you and your husband pay for after school care.

you can’t control who your husband sees or doesn’t see, respect his boundaries

I think a compromise solution is a good idea here.

Your husband has been doing this and putting up with it for a long time.

Your parents want to see their grandchildren and also you.

But it really doesn't have to be a meal a week.

In your shoes I'd start making noises about reading and homework, and then when the ground is prepared by that, say to your parents that the weekly meal isn't really working any more, but offer alternatives - eg you and the kids going round on a Saturday lunchtime?

Try to find a solution that means your husband has to see them less but they still see you and the kids.

So sorry, you're clearly stuck in a hard place here. Unfortunately I do think you need to compromise for your husbands sake. Continuing as is could make it worse for your husband and create even more tension that spills out. Certainly as the kids get older a firm bedtime routine the night before school will be key, and time to fit in the school reading etc and getting uniforms and bags ready for the next day, they may also start clubs/swimming lessons etc. Even if it’s a slight exaggeration of the truth, I think that’s what you need to say to your parents to help your husband out. Personally as well, after a long day at work, I would just want to get home and not have to be somewhere I cant relax. If you think your parents would accept also that the “days are long and you’re both tired and need to get home” added explanation. I don’t think you need to act immediately, give yourself a few days to work out the best way to approach it. Good luck.

This. Every second week to once a month sounds much more reasonable and is still quite a lot when one considers the nitpicking and bickering.

I would not want to spend one evening week with nitpicking, bickering in-laws. Considering that you answer back to your mother (which is good in theory but in practice probably not a particularly pleasant dynamic either) probably means that he spends the evening with his wife and MIL bickering, MIL and FIL bickering with each other and the nitpicking. That sounds toxic and draining!!

I agree that the compromise would be to stay once every two or three weeks rather than every week.

I get on with my PIL fine and I still wouldn’t want to have dinner with them one evening every week. YABU.

OP, I think it's entirely possible you are 'bicker blind' and used to your parents so block it out.

This.

My parents are like OP’s as is DH’s parents. It wasn’t until I told him why I don’t like being around my parents too often is when he realised his parents do the same thing. I don’t want to be around my own parents when they do it so leave DH to it when his own parents get started especially when they begin to moan about other family members like his sister and her husband. That’s the time I’m doing the bedtime routine with our kids.

I moved 4,000 miles away from mine so I only have to put up with it with my own parents once a year when they visit us and we live 5 hours from DH’s parents. I don’t want my children thinking such things are normal.

After 17 years together once quarterly with PIL would be standard if not excessive.

So glad all these people responding have perfect families with perfect relationships.

It sounds like your mum helps out a lot and your son seems to enjoy spending time with your parents. I’ll make the assumption the ‘bickering’ is relatively good natured, and therefore the panic about your son being traumatised and becoming an abuser as a consequence is overblown.

I had similar with my ex - he was happy with my parents to provide childcare half the week when we were at work (had same issue with shared community) but practically threw them out of the house when he got home because they are just normal working class people and so annoyed him.

In reality DS is young and in a few years there will be after school clubs and childcare won’t be needed, or there’ll be sports clubs to go to etc and frequency of dinners will likely go down anyway.

In the meantime suggest to your H if he isn’t happy, he can arrange and pay for alternative childcare through the week and to allow you to have breaks away, and you will take DS to visit your parents alone so he can enjoy and maintain his relationship with them (during which time DH can get on with the cleaning or gardening or whatever, not sit on his arse with his feet up).