Husband doesn't want to see my mum

[Mixitupx]

I have been married to my husband for 10 years, together for approx 17.
His parents are no longer around so we spend a lot of time with my family.
I have 2 DS and my mum has been looking after them 1 day a week for the past 8 years. She also has them in the school holidays as well as being the main babysitter if we ever want a night out or mini break which can be up to 4 x a year.
I am incredibly grateful for what she does for us. P.S my dad is also around but it's mainly mum who provides the support, haha!
My mum can be quite nit picky and often has some sort of opinion to offer. This has resulted in my brother and his family opting to see her less but I tend to just answer back.
My mum and dad also bicker and often complain about each other which can be annoying.
On the days my parents have the kids we will collect them after work and stay for dinner. My husband says he no longer wants to do this as he is sick of the nit picking and also the bickering. He would prefer to pick them up and come straight home. I feel this is quite rude, especially as she has looked after the kids all day and picked 1 up from school.
So the question is - Am I being unreasonable to ask my Husband to suck it up for 2 hours a week (and a cooked meal) to stay at my parents when we collect the kids?

And I would bluntly tell them why we were spending less time with them as well.

"DH can't stand to be in the same room as your nitpicking and bickering."

I'm genuinely surprised that you're happy for your two-year-old to be exposed to this one day a week when your own brother and husband don't want to be.

Their own son doesn't want to see them. It doesn't matter that you have an issue with that - consider how big a decision that must have been for him.

Honestly, I'd find alternative childcare - you run the big risk of your son adopted some of her traits as he's so exposed to them; and they are showing him that this is what a marriage is like - and then plan how often you see your parents separately. That could be monthly all together, for a set time, or perhaps just you go, so your husband and son don't have to be exposed.

Loving his grandparents isn't relevant, really, kids bond with people they're in constant contact with. They don't have the capacity to calculate whether those people are good influences or safe for them. That's your responsibility.

Would you be able to break the habit of staying to eat every time? Tell them in advance that you need to get home that night to look at a blocked drain/paint the Sistine Chapel/have wild sex or whatever! Mind you, I do think there's a fine line between being happy for relatives to suck up your childcare but then not want to spend time with them so perhaps he could come up with an alternative as he's the one not coping? Good luck.

I feel like I do have blinkers on as it's 'my' family but I have also seen many friends lose their parents and they would take any imperfections just to have them back.

Come on now, don't use the tired "they'll be dead someday" card to excuse their behaviour. The only adult in this scenario who wants to deal with their nonsense is you. That alone should tell you something.

With respect that's none of your business. There is clearly a reason your brother and husband both feel the same way and it's not for you to take issue with. People are perfectly entitled to choose not to be around toxic parents. The real problem here is you just can see how toxic they are and your brother and husband can. People have even told you they wouldn't expose their own children to this. Good on your brother. I just hope you will respect your husband's view and not railroad him into what you think he should do.

Surely there some sort of option of you dropping him at home and going back for dinner with your parents? How far apart do you live? Or he can drop you and pick you all up later.

Your mother's own son can no longer cope why shouid your husband? Unlike you he's not comfortable enough to bark back.

With respect, I think the word toxic is being banded around too easily here.
They are good people and although I understand nit picking and bickering are not good to be around, my parents are good people and take excellent care of our children. If they didn't then I wouldn't put them in this environment.

Is the fact that you are getting free childcare from them stopping you from pulling them up on their behaviour? Would you feel differently if you were not needing them for the childcare? I would have to say something and make them aware of how their behaviour is affecting others. It's not fair on your husband to have to sit through that and he probably feels he can't say anything to them as they are not his family.

How about making it about your husband and kids getting older and needing to do more homework of a night and to get to bed earlier. (your husband).

Just stay one night per week for the meal.
Pick up and go straight away for the other night.

Try that for a while.

As your kids get hobbies after school your husband might have to drive straight away to take them there too.

It is difficult.
Look into viable alternatives for after school care for one other night per week as the kids grow.

I think this is going to be the only solution tbh.
We have been struggling with all the homework/reading etc recently so I think we may have to say we are not going to be able to stay every time to try and fit this in.
I do think a pick up and run is really ungrateful and after all I am their child too and I know they want to spend time with me.

But OP there has to be an element of toxicity if their own son cannot be around them and now your husband feels he’s just dreading a weekly dinner and can’t manage it anymore. It’s probably in your nature to put up with the bickering and rudeness because it’s all you know, but it’s obviously impacting your husband. It’s exhausting and stressful to be around people like that, I bet he spends the week dreading it and that’s no way to live.

You need to come up with some sort of compromise, he goes home and collects you later or you all go home together.

If you don't live too far from each other can your husband just drop you off there, drive home and then pick you and the kids up after dinner? You can just say he's going to the gym or some other hobby.

"Good people" can still be insufferable to be around. Your husband has been dealing with this for years. He has clearly reached his limit.

Can your husband start going to 'the gym'(home) on that night?

Nothing to do with you - You cant control your brother so let him live his life

I think it's more the fact they are my parents rather than the free childcare.
I love them and they have done an awful lot for me and many other for a number of years. They are both retired and I know that seeing me and my family really makes them happy.

I agree we obviously need to come up with a compromise.

They are both retired and I know that seeing me and my family really makes them happy.

Then they shouldn't be acting in ways which drives people away. You should tell them this.

They don’t sound like excellent caregivers. Even if your mum is only annoying when other adults are around and never in earshot of the kids (which I don’t believe) , I think that you overlook her behaviour because of the frequent childcare and babysitting. Your brother avoiding her says a lot about her behaviour and I think that you should examine why you consider it acceptable because to an outsider it looks like money is the reason why.
i wouldn’t ask my kids or husband to tolerate that kind of shit, even if it’s not directed at them.

‘Mum, I love you and I’m grateful for all your help, but do you realise how tiring and boring it can be listening to you nit-pick and bicker with Dad? It makes me not want to see you.’

My own mother sounds like yours constantly nit picking etc- she is only tolerable in small doses. i don't even endure a dinner once a month with her let alone what you do once a week, really feel for your husband. You really need to take a step back and look at your parents, do you want your children's to grow up listening to a toxic environment. AND YES THAT IS WHAT IT IS. The atmosphere in my parenst house is horrible. Pay for childcare,

We are only there one night a week but I think we perhaps need to try staying once a month.
We are struggling with homework and as the kids get older this is ramping up so will hopefully prevent any difficult conversations.

Yes. I mean, it’s important information. And I assume that your parents would prefer to see more of your brother, OP. Wouldn’t you like to know if something in your behaviour made people you love reluctant to see you?

Your Mum sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn’t want to stay either

#teamhusband