Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

If he asks why you're leaving, tell him you don't owe him an explanation, but you do owe him £2.50.

Maybe then he'll work it out for himself...

This is not a partnership. If your chips were down he wouldn’t flinch and would see you drown. He’s a Scrooge. I couldn’t live with someone like this let alone be in a relationship with them.

The important aspect to remember is that extremely miserly people are actually proud of their behaviour, and they enjoy being that way, that’s why it’s so difficult to dislodge this behaviour. They feel no shame or remorse and are impervious even to counselling.

My ex told me he had this problem with his ex wife and he went to counselling to “modify” his behaviour. He was still the tightest human being I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. He once gave me 2 grapes as a “snack”, two grapes, nothing else, said he wanted the small punnet to last two weeks. Surely it would be rotten by then? It’s complete insanity.

Imagine spending hundreds on counselling, only to still find it difficult to give more than two grapes.

Run, don’t walk.

And YES, I agree with your idea not to make him self aware, it means future women he meets can also run much earlier, rather than him having a chance to disguise his disgusting behaviour until he’s got his hooks into them.
Great idea to help other women not to waste their time with him.

How long was it before he began to pull these tricks when you first met?

No blame on you, most normal people wouldn’t think to notice this stuff until it got out of hand.

@Bishopslaurel Do you mean, extremely mean people are proud of how far they can make their money stretch, ie grapes 🍇 lasting forever.
Or proud of getting other people to pay things for them?

People aren't all bad which is why you will be having a wobble but that level of pettiness over money, which in turn has led to you becoming like that back, would definitely erode all the love you had for him over time. Never mind how he would be if you ever had a maternity leave, would no doubt expect you to pay half then too, I read about such men on here and cringe with sympathy.

He sounds dull as dishwater, don't waste any more of your life on someone who doesn't want to enjoy life with you as a partnership

It’s merely about the psychological payoff of watching the numbers in the savings account change and grow. I would bet a crisp £50 this guy checks his a count several times a day. Even one penny more gives a psychological payoff, that’s why they will fall to such despicable lows as asking for £2.50.

Underlying all this is a need for control.

It may be easier to understand if you liken this to anorexia, the sufferer is harming themselves but they do not see or care because they are addicted to the psychological rush of the control they are exacting over their own body. It feels like a sense of achievement, a job well done.

What makes the miserly person especially odious is that they harm others with their desire for control, unlike the unfortunate person suffering from anorexia.
Probably comorbid with other psychological issues.

It is definitely abusive and the sort of behaviour that would appeal to someone with a fascist mentality, the relentless punishing routine of it all.

The misers on the dark triad ends of the spectrum will delight in the sadism of it all, so yes, the enjoyment will be the dupers delight, in which case, that’s very bad news for OP, making it imperative that she cuts him off completely and forever. Definitely should NOT criticise him when leaving, OP should blame herself or an outside source.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to suffer so long with this, OP.

@Rockrose94 , do not loose your trust in people, but do please react to things that do not feel right to you early on, and never allow someone’s financial status to be a reason why you stay. If a man has enough to get by, that’s enough, he will share whatever he has with you. This guy wouldn’t pour tap water on you if you were on fire, he will be concerned about the water meter.

If a man with wealth will wield undue power over you and you’re slightly susceptible to that, I would avoid them in future. Better to be with a poor dishwasher who loves and respects you and would do anything for you, that kind of love is priceless.

The future can only get brighter for you, once you’ve got rid of this man, they don’t come much worse than him.

Please DO come back to us and tell us how you’re doing, I have absolutely no doubt your life will improve in leaps and bounds, especially your mood. I can’t imagine how frustrating and demoralising this must all have been.

Both.
Mean people are obsessed with coming out ahead in EVERY single situation.
It consumes them.
They cannot continence not coming out ahead.
That's why I believe it to be a MH thing.

There is also this ugly satisfaction that they have gotten one over on others when they screw someone over, friend, family, spouse....makes no difference.

That is why it speaks to a huge lack of self esteem/boundaries when someone stays with someone like this.

If you value yourself, you actively protect yourself, simple as that.

Years ago I worked with a fine looking guy late 20's .....when I was early 20's.
The girls in the office and me thought he was real eye candy, gorgeous dark curly hair.
We were out a couple of times with colleagues and I heard one of the lads call him out for round dodging.
He was told to get up and buy HIS round and stop fxcking about.
That's ALL I needed to hear and told the girls not to bother he was a tight twat.
Some didn't think it was a deal breaker, some of us did...
Such an ugly trait.

The miser I knew explained it as a desire to feel special, important, taken care of, loved. We all want that, but the difference in them is they want to be the only special one in the relationship. And they don’t mind doing it in underhand ways.

Again, that fascist mentality of thinking in hierarchical ways.

It’s a very rudimentary way of viewing the world.

My ex used to moan at me for this. He was not quite like your partner in other ways but it used to piss me off so much. Still to this day I fill the kettle full just to prove to myself I don’t need to put up with shit like that

Definitely sounds like leaving is the right decision. This guy won’t change.

go find yourself someone who will watch as you empty your wine glass so he can top it up for you! Or enjoy a bottle to yourself without having to split the cost!

Good luck

@Venice241
Mean people are obsessed with coming out ahead in EVERY single situation.
It consumes them.

Wow! You have managed to sum up the meanest person I have ever come across. Totally Bazaar.
They seem totally miserable as well as being mean. Your totally right about always wanting to appear on top. I can't say much about the relationship between them and partner but it's weird!

Op sorry for taking your thread off on a tangent. Hope you are getting on OK packing stuff.

I know I shouldn't laugh...

😂😂😂

I have been thinking a lot the last few days and I don't think I have been honest with myself in how much his behaviour has been affecting me. Have gained weight in the last few years as I feel constantly stressed and anxious and I now think it's been down to this relationship. Constantly trying to understand why he's acting like that and feeling like I deserve better but being told otherwise. So I don't think the next parts gonna be easy but honestly it's been mentally draining for so long that it might not be any worse than the past few months!

How long have you been living together? Is it going to be tricky to split belongings or are they entirely separate?

I hope it’s not too stressful, he could make it quite difficult for you by counting the tea spoons when you are packing!

2 years. We bought all the furniture together but honestly I couldn't care less about taking any of it. I want a clean break and I can't be bothered with the hassle so I'm just taking my own things and a few knick knacks I have bought that I would miss. I know I should fight him for half based on his behaviour but I don't think I have the energy for stuff I don't particularly want

Good luck OP. I'm sure the relief after you have left will be enormous. The release of stress can trigger ill health so take great care to look after yourself. Decent food, water and sleep should be high on your list.

Leave him your half of the stuff (you don't want) in lieu of your share of the rent.

Ensure all the utility bills are moved into his name before you tell him. Tell them you have moved out and he is still there as sole occupant.

Then take bedding and towels instead…. And maybe some cushions etc…
I would also take things from the freezer…. You have to eat and you’ve already paid for the food. Get as much out today as you can without him noticing.

And take meter readings…
Actually, if he’s away today I would just move out. Then leave a note. Much easier as he simply won’t accept he’s been unreasonable and why put yourself through that? Take everything you want empty the freezer and go.

I was with a man like that. He wouldn’t buy me an engagement ring because it was a “waste of money” & I got so sick of people asking I bought myself one from Argos. After we were married it we went out for dinner he would split the bill to the penny (& like yours eat half my dinner) so I said let’s just take it in turns to avoid the hassle. He then accused me of choosing more expensive places or dishes when it was his turn to pay. We paid half into a domestic account for bills and the final straw was when he said he “paid” me to shop, cook and clean” for him and when I asked him to go to Tesco 24 hours after I gave birth to our baby said I was “taking the piss”. Reader, divorced him. OP - run for the hills now!

I was thinking similar, take kitchen stuff, pots, plates etc stuff that is easy to store until you have a new place but is expensive to buy.

Sensible. Don’t take baggage from this relationship into the future. Walk away with only the things you want and put it behind you. It’s only stuff.

OP I came here to type the short phrase left only for worst of situations - 'LTB'

But Thankfully the whole thread has elaborated on why you just cannot continue to live like this - and you have thankfully seen the light from your own reassessment of your extensive unfortunate experiences quibbling over £2.50 and extra sips of wine if you even dared to!

Some of us had to learn from bitter experience with children in tow, would never wish it on any young lady to go through that and advise you to leave Now.

All the Best of Wishes for a lighter life living away from this absolute misery of a miser.

This is solid advise about meter readings/bills you need to speak to the landlord to hun x