Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

do your own grocery shopping and he can do his own grocery shopping - especially if he is making your pay 50% then taking 66% of the food.

Hopefully he can cook it in another kitchen somewhere else soon.

Its really unattractive to have someone behave in this manner as it shows a means of spirit.

Brilliant - I was married to a covert narcissist for 22 years, I'm free now but took me 17 years to see it.

Remarried now and the happiest I've ever been.

Glad you can see it.

I agree you should focus on your safety and avoiding post brake up abuse rather then trying to educate him- HE WILL NOTE SEE YOUR POINT OF VIEW ANYWAY

I'm so pleased you are leaving him. Aside from giving you the ick and the control it sounds like a joyless existence. It's not just being tight, he's mean minded.

Life is short and you are so young.

You need to be with someone who can enjoy things with you, large or small not arguing over who owes who what.

Please come back and tell us how great your life is without this dreadful man won’t you OP?

You will not believe how wonderful you feel.

On second thought, I actually agree with you that there's no point telling him why you're ending things. He'll use it to say he was right all along and you're a gold digger, that's how he'll spin it to himself and his family/friends.

I would just tell him that you are no longer attracted to him (which is both true and will really sting him) and he feels more like your housemate than your boyfriend (also true due to the transactional nature of the relationship.) I'd be tempted to get your stuff out first if you can and tell him on neutral ground.

I'm pleased the OP is going to leave her dp but you would think if they were saving towards a deposit they would both agree to put £× in the saving pot and any monies left would be theirs to do as they wish! Unless dp was trying to get the OP to have the same amount in the pot as him - which considering the help from his family would be unfair.
Dd2 and her dh recently bought their first house together but obviously she did not put in the same amount as him - he'd recently received a £3 million inheritance from his grandma, whilst we are on universal credit. She does earn more than him but hopefully she is not having to do without everything so her input is the same as his!

This is utterly abnormal behaviour from
him. He will try and normalise it and it will only get worse. I think you should leave him and don’t even think twice. It’s not how couples should work. It will be dreadful if you need to rely on him for any reason or have children.

OMG! 😂
Run for the hills!!!
or a life of misery awaits.

I hope @Rockrose94 is playing irreplaceable on full volume while packing… and drinking rose

OMG! Just leave… honestly, what is the point of living like this? So daunting - I think I am getting depressed just reading about it!

When I met my now husband I was working part time, didn't drive and had no savings. He used to pick me up from work after waiting around up to an hour for me to finish work. This is when we had been together a few months. He wanted to spend time with me. Fast forward 3 years, we're looking to buy a property. I have little savings but earn slightly more than him. He puts £20k towards deposit, I spent my savings on things for flat. Fast forward another 8 years. We have a house, I earn nearly double his wage. We get paid into a joint account and have done since we bought our property. We take out money to spend on ourselves. Providing it's not a £100+ spend we don't consult eachother on if we can get X, we just get it if we can afford it as a unit. In my opinion this is the best way forward (as long as there are no children involved with old partners). I personally don't understand partnerships whose money is separate.
Note, we have our own personal savings on top of joint savings. We are quite lucky that we as a unit earn above living wage. However if we were to put in the same amount for mortgage and bills my husband wouldn't be able to put anything into savings for both joint and personal. We are a team, we enjoy the life we have as a partnership. My money is his, his is mine so that we can enjoy each other. If your partner is too tight to cough up for a meal what the hell are you wasting your time on him for?

😂 I love this. I ended up meeting a friend for dinner and drinks tonight to chat to her about the situation. He's out tomorrow so I can pack some of my stuff and planning to speak to him Sunday morning, another friend has told me to check in afterwards and she will keep me busy for the day so just need to get a little bit of courage and tell him where to go 🙏

Please report back. !

What's he out doing? Spending lots of money with his friends?

If he is out tomorrow, I would make sure that all my important things were packed and handed over to a friend. If you can, and he is not likely to notice, pack and hand over clothes as well. Also, take copies of important paperwork esp relating to finances, Good luck

Sorry, I wrote this after some wine myself and didn't see the whole post 😂 Thank god you are leaving this man. Congratulations, you have freedom and happiness heading your way ❤️

How do you find him even remotely attractive? He sounds incredibly self centred and selfish.

My husband is so generous, I literally often forget to take my purse when we’re out as he always covers the bill. Having said that we have joint finances so it’s a little academic, but the gesture is there.

I would be having a serious discussion with your BF at the very least. Tbh he sounds a bit like a relative of mine, he’s had several partners move in with him…… and leave a year or two later ……!

This is an equally great update.

Good luck for Sunday!

Just want to wish you luck this weekend OP. Hope it all goes as smoothly as possible. Here's to your new life! 🍾

You've wasted 4 years on this man?! 😳

Why?

I'm excited for you for Sunday OP. You should keep a note of the date, so a year later you can compare your life, and see how much brighter it is x

Thanks, I really hope so 🙏 a small part of me doubt is this the right thing but deep down I know it is! It's just been a bit of a whirlwind

Be kind to yourself OP. Of course there will be a element of doubt. You have been with this man for 4 years. That is a long time when you are young. In those wibbly wobbly times,new read the thread and know you deserve better.

I'd 100% agree with that.
If he's out tomorrow I'd start moving stuff out that he's not going to notice.