Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

I'm a bit late to the discussion and I rarely comment, but your story reminded me of my first marriage which ended over thirty years ago and I wanted to offer my sympathy because I know what you're going through.

There were red flags during the whole relationship and I should have run for the hills in the first three months! For example on a very early date, as we queued up for the cinema he asked for the money for my ticket so it could look like he was paying!! But I was young, thought I was in love and naively thought he would change! It got progressively worse over the years and came to a head when we got a married couple's tax rebate that was paid directly to him. He spent it all on silly gadgets even though we desperately needed to pay for repairs on our house.

It took another year for me to get the gumption to leave him and he really couldn't understand why I left! I have since found out that he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and I wonder if your husband is also somewhere on the autism spectrum too. It would explain his lack of empathy and fixation on money.

The hardest thing I ever did was leave that marriage, but it is also one of the best things I ever did for myself. After this disaster, I met and married the most lovely, kind, and generous man and we have been together for over thirty years and have two beautiful (now grown-up) daughters.

When you decide to go, you must take the plunge, say what you want to say, and then leave. Do not allow him to try and gaslight you into staying. Free yourself from this toxic relationship and go and live your best life!

OP, I agree with your plan not to tell him why. He simply won't hear it if you give him the real reason, and it will give him the opportunity to claim he was right all along to protect himself. Sod that.

No I know. I wasn’t suggesting OP should do what I would do. She’s already said she has no intention of explaining his issue and the reason for her wanting to break up. I suppose I was just ruminating on what I myself would do in her position. OP and I have a different approach. And either are fine. She doesn’t owe him anything. I’d want to say my piece, but that’s just me!

Wow! I can't imagine living with someone like that. I know nowadays a lot of people keep finances separate but surely they don't sweat the small stuff! He sounds a bit like my ds (21) but he's autistic and he is trying to be less nit picking.

But if you're paying for a meal for family/friends out of your own finances (when he refuses to joint) then what the fuck has it got to do with him?

How on earth do you keep quiet about it? I'd tear mine a new arsehole if he tried to lecture me on what and who I spend my money on, that is exactly why we have separate finances for ourselves and joint finances for the household.

You'll never be happy and 'free' with him.

You are correct
Don’t tell the fucker. Let him stew and wonder why you left him.

We are/were trying to save for a deposit so he although we don't share finances at all, he still comments on what I spend as it is reducing what I save and then impacts him (thats his logic). As I say he has more savings than me, so it's like he resents me not having as much saved for a deposit and then comments when I spend money. I also recall he told my family I wouldn't be going on holiday with them again any time soon due to money while we were at a family party. So although stuff is separate he would still comment on how I spend my money. I don't know why it's gone on so long but he makes it sound reasonable somehow and it's all just built up. He wasn't like this immediately or I'd never have stayed.

You also sound like the type of person who wants to treat their partner. It's not like you're looking for a one way relationship.
Well done on making the decision to end the relationship and I agree that not telling him that it's because he's stingy. He'd only twist it that he was right and you're on the make.

"I'm worried about what would happen if I ever couldn't work or lost my job, I think he would keep a running tab of what I owed him. He nearly got made redundant a year ago and there was no question that I would cover the bills etc if I had to."

He has savings because he is using you to minimise his everyday spending. If he is not prepared to share with you if needed, this is not much of a partnership. Is it really worth continuing to put up with this?

Oh just read you're not continuing with him. Seems like a good decision.

Hope you’re okay OP, just caught up on the thread and can see you have family you can stay with which is great.

My DH and I share everything, and he’s never ever been controlling or horrible about money even when I’ve been a SAHM not earning. We are a team and so money and dinners out are a joint expense! I’ve recently gone back to work and so excited to be able to ‘treat’ him with my money as I can financially contribute. You deserve someone who loves and respects you like that, that trusts you. Get rid of this awful man and I hope you find someone kinder who deserves you!

Best way to let him know why you’re leaving is to send him a link to this thread! After you’ve left of course!

Glad you're getting rid. Normal partnerships don't work like this. If you're together you both share the load but it's perfectly OK to have your own savings/money as well and you do with that what you want to. There is happiness out there for you with someone else. Go get it 😙

I'd be shoving that £2.50 where the sun doesn't shine.
Find someone else to share your life with.
He's mean and you deserve better than that.
Remember your worth and move on.
good luck x

I don't know why it's gone on so long but he makes it sound reasonable somehow and it's all just built up.

this is exactly what happens though. so at first, it seems so reasonable - you're oth saving, you want to have more money for a deposit etc.

I still think he's a cheapskate wanker and his obsession with 50/50 is extremely annoying, but if you earn similarly, and you're both saving for a joint deposit, I can see how he might feel that you're spending too much at times while he's saving.

so he's a prick for hounding you about £2.50 on the shopping or refusin gto allow you to have a bloody extra glass of wine. He's also a controlling ass for telling you're parents you can't go on holiday. But I have a TINY bit of sympathy for him feeling that he's saving and you're not.

Moral of the story - he's a spendthrift AND stingy and a bit controlling and you're not. so you're not compatible.

I think when you end it you shold be honest but not accusatory = "we have completely different views on money, saving, spending and sharing finances and no long-term relationship can survive that so it's best we go our seperate ways".

OP you probably wont see this because of the astounding number of responses, thank God all of them in the best possible way! But seeing your updates im so glad you've made the decision to leave. He will never change, and I dont think you can ever be truly happy with him. Stay strong and look back on this post if he tries to make you change your mind, he will likely manipulate you, gas light you, it will all be in your head and all your fault. But its not, its definitely him. He keeps track of how much wine you drink so you only have your fair share, bloody hell! My DH would buy another bottle of wine for me and pay for it too. Find yourself a man who wants to treat you, life is too short for arguing over £2.50!! Good luck

Sorry if this has already been said (I didn't have time to read 32 pages!), I'd give him an invoice for what you have disproportionately spent on him in your relationship and let him know how he can make payment. Then I'd end the relationship.

I'm glad this poster is now happy in her new relationship but NB It would explain his lack of empathy and fixation on money - autistic people do not inherently lack empathy and often have higher than usual affective empathy

Ugh! Just awful. @Rockrose94 please have the 'we're on different pages chat ASAP.

I personally would tell him he's a miser but I do agree it's not up to you to fix him and he probably will fight the feedback.

Good luck OP

So you're saving for a deposit with someone who's said they don't trust you and thinks you're after his money?

Do not buy a property with him.

That's why I am saying were as have no plans to go through with a house purchase with him after all of the recent shit and realising how bad it all is

I had a friend like him. EVERY meal out, get the calculator out to work out exactly how much I owe her. 😂 Joyless friendship. No way I will tolerate this in a partner. Good luck OP, show him you deserve better. What he does with you stopping enjoying wine is just despicable. You deserve better.

OH I had a friend like that. I did LOADS of favours for her - collected her child from nursery when she was going to be late (A LOT) and avoided late fees, gave child lunches, snacks, dinner, took them out on treats....
She came to my house for a playdate once and phoned from the shop "did I need anything?"
"Yes please - a bottle of milk so we can have several a cups of tea"
She made a massive point of asking me for the £1.20
She wasn't skint either - she was a HR manager in a wealthy company.

I am so so sorry OP . This is proper gaslighting and coercive behaviour. It’s just a miserable way to live. Sending hugs x

I also recall he told my family I wouldn't be going on holiday with them again any time soon due to money while we were at a family party.

Flipping heck OP 😬

Thank goodness you have finally seen the light. Make sure your possessions are gone before you tell him otherwise he will be blocking the door saying "Mine, Mine, Mine" .