Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Are you joking me, charge you for the electricity usage...I'd be out of that door the moment he said it and will never look back ever again.

Agreed. I'd end it but keep things vague. Don't think we have a long term future. I don't think we are right for each other.

And I'd wait until the dust has settled before you tell friends the full story.
He sounds a very controlling man and you don't know how he will react when he realises his grip is being forced off.

Do you mind if I ask why? I'm not disagreeing, I just don't understand why she isn't within her rights to say 'No, you are financially abusive to a ridiculous level and I don't want to spend my life with Ebenezer Scrooge - now fuck off'.

Why provoke an argument with him?

The relationship is verging on controlling. You don't know how he will react when he realises his grip is loosening ie We don't know if he has potential to turn violent. Women are killed and injured every week by partners and expartners. (Check today's horrific news)

Something vague makes it more difficult to argue and cause frosty relations.
She wants to keep things as amicable as possible. She still needs to get her things packed up and out the house.

While they don't have a house purchased in joint names they my well have other financial ties, joint bank account, gym membership, car insurance, etc.

Fair enough. Leaving a relationship has potential to provoke an argument. I'd much prefer to be as honest as possible than be ambiguous.

Something vague? Nah, I don't think this is sound advice at all. Especially if you think he has potential.

The advice would be get the fuck out now. She is financially astute, aware of what is going on and she is going to have to break up if she decides, being vague is not an option in this situation.

There is nothing in the OPs posts that suggest this, so don't fucking scare her.

Yeah who cares if he says it's proof she's a gold digger or whatever. He'll probably day lots of nasty shit. OP needs to just leave. I'd be explaining exactly why to the stingy git.

Sounds like a house share not a relationship OP like others have said RUN he will only get worse especially if you had children with him

Those that know me would say I can be stingy...sure I can sit there adding up things, but there has to be a 'happy time' where he splashes out now and again.

You always buying the meals out and he takes you out once in 4 years....why are you still together.

There is nothing wrong with being prudent, but 'life is too short' to live a life of counting the peas on the dinner plate which is where he is headed.

Move on from him, it will only get more extreme. He will start to question any form of buying even if it has been saved for.

He actually sounds unwell, that is such a dysfunctional relationship with money - and you! Others have said it, but parenting with this person would be HORRIFIC, like, life changingly terrible. Run x

10+ years of this life. My advice to you is, get out ASAP and do not have children with this man. You'll find you have nothing to your name each month and he's rolling in it. Then you feel guilty asking for 'help' 😞 it's not a life you want to live.

As others have said RUN. Do not have children with this man. What will happen when the kids need new shoes, registration fees for clubs, uniform, etc. This month I have to pay for £50 rugby registration, £45 for a flipping mouth guard, school uniform and shoes, which will be £100+ , glasses (I get them thinned and anti glare) £60+ . Mt useless ex partner will 'see what he can do' so basically all that is on me right at the start of the summer holidays.

Run, before you end up in a similar situation. What kind of person holds someone over £2.50! I wouldn't even do that to a work colleague.

Sounds like a selfish twat to me. I couldn't be with someone like that.

He cannot change.
As a young student I paid for my ex boyfriend’s ski trip because I didn’t want him to miss out. A few months later he asked me to pay for the fuel of our together trip to the beach because I had suggested it.
Seperate scanning at shops, splitting the meal bills by item. It makes me quite angry remembering all the nonsense.

That is no way to live.

Me too! I think I’d have to say that the obsession with money (eg going through the shopping list, ensuring he gets the same amount of wine, ensuring she doesn’t use more than a mug full of water in the kettle, etc) isn’t normal behaviour and it is not enjoyable to be around someone who is constantly policing every penny spent. That there is no joy left in the relationship as he will only ever go away or out for a meal if he isn’t the one paying. And that his constant anxiety that he will be fleeced by his girlfriend if he doesn’t do this is awful to be with. That in fact he is the one fleecing her as eats more of the food and is happy to accept treats if she pays. And that she has realised this behaviour is not conducive to being in a mutually respectful and loving relationship.

I’d have to say all that if it were me. The vague “we want different things” would mean he can just think she’s the one with the problem and it wasn’t his fault. I don’t know if I’m petty but I would want to be clear that the fault for the demise of the relationship was entirely with him!

Save your breath and your energy, don't bother with a long list of his spiteful penny pinching. You know his tightfistedness is at an Olympic level. He has told you that after 4 years in a committed relationship, he doesn't trust you. He has admitted he has to check on you and he thinks you are 'out to fleece him'. If he doesn't trust you after 4 years what is the point? Where is the future? Give that reason for leaving - he said it.

Yuck. I am all for being fair and being equal with a partner but this is beyond the pale- quibbling over £2.50? bloody hell.

I wonder how he'd feel if you started working out how much he owed you considering he eats more than you and then demanded his share back in pence or pounds? I bet my mortgage he wouldnt like it one bit and yet thats exactly what he is doing to you!

Agree with everyone else- leave. This is a deep ingrained attitude and its not just about money, it speaks to his entire character and attitude that he is "owed", that you cant be trusted and that you are somehow trying to rip him off which you arent.

You wont get past this- it will irritate you more and more and that attitude of his will seep into other areas of your relationship. It's gross behaviour and you deserve better. Tightness and rigidity like this is such a massive turn off and it would make me never want to have sex with him ever again.

Leave.

End this relationship and let somebody else put up with this obsessive miser. He is nuts. There really is no other solution.

I just want to say to the OP, well done for being big enough to recognise that this is not right and to start making plans to leave... Think about what physical items you have brought to the home and make sure that you remove them, too when you leave and it might be easier to do this when he is out of the house.

And to make you feel a little better, it is not just men who do this. Many years ago, just post war, my mother gave up her home (my dad was in the RAF) to move in with her aunt who had lost her husband. My great aunt was as tight as a tick and charged my mother an extra 6d a week, because she listened to the Nine o'clock news on the wireless... I also had a friend who married a chap who went through restaurant bills to break down who had which vegetables and how much of them... not an attractive trait, made all the worse by the fact that my friend brought the money to the marriage.

I wish you every future happiness... with someone who will value you properly and give your the lovely future that you deserve.

how are you getting on OP? are you seeing his behaviour now in a new light all the time? glad to hear you have family to support you

OP- my best friend dated a bloke exactly like this - he was part of our friendship group. Every time they went on a date he would use the calculator on his phone to work out down to the last pence what they had drunk/eaten and demand it back. She assumed they'd just take it in turns to pay as most people do- eg You get this one, I'll get the next one etc but no, he had to work it out exactly even down to the last 5p etc.

She dumped him because of it and since then he has struggled to find a girlfriend and even contacted her later on to ask why she left because he kept getting dumped. Even when she kindly told him he wouldnt have it and insisted it couldnt be that.

He is still single even now 😐

Hi op - I really wish you well. 🌺

I have read all of your replies and feel really moved watching the journey of you realising your self worth, well done you. You're right he will never change, in the future you'll send him out for a pack of emergency nappies and he'll be wanting you to give him half the cash first, ew.

Good luck for the future, 100% sounds like you're making the right decision leaving this fool.
All the best x

I would turn it round on him.

"Dave, you have been using me. You have been happy to freeload from me and have me pay for holidays and meals out. You eat more food than me but charge me half. You don't contribute to presents for my family. You are a miser and a taker and I've lost all attraction I once had for you. I'm leaving and have given the landlord notice."

This man will suck all the joy from your life. You are only 30, you have such a bright future ahead without this stingy git in it. Run for the hills and your freedom.

It is not normal behaviour in the slightest! My DH is definitely a bit more careful with money than I am but we're still a team and split our joint finances. DH does watch the pennies more than I do and that can wind me up when I want to go out for dinner and he wants to save the money and stay at home for example. But we were stood in a shop the other day and I had my purse out to pay for a new dress I was buying and he dashed in at the till and tapped his own card before I could pay. He said it was because he wanted to treat me. Find someone that wants to treat you as well.

Because ending a relationship can be a very dangerous moment for a lot of women. This man sounds like he has the potential to turn very nasty.