Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Well done OP. The boiled frog analogy is definitely true in your case I think but you’ve finally seen the reality of a future with tight arse and it’s not pretty.

Just make sure as a parting gift you leave him. £2.50 a knob of butter and a couple of sips of wine

You know, when you leave he will be astonished, astounded, amazed and will genuinely wonder what's wrong with you, you had it soooo good.

Oh yes I know, he honestly can't seem to understand what the issue is anytime I've brought it up! Or at least he pretends he can't!

Good to hear your family can help, will you leave this weekend? Stay safe, make sure you have someone with you whilst you are packing/moving out and as others have said, leave his sodding £2.50 on top of a pack of butter as a parting gift. Keep us updated, you have a lot of support on here.

This is the most supportive thread I've seen on here! So chuffed that you've decided to fuck this shitty situation off.

Op someone up thread mentioned the freedom program. The more you've written the more I think they might have a point.
It's very common for people to go from one abusive relationship to another.

Best of luck for your future.

OP, take his ruddy butter with you!

Well done on acting so quickly and escaping this shit. Wishing you a much brighter future.

This thread made me happy: OP got support to realise she was in an abusive relationship. So many kind and well-meaning people out there. Thank you all.

Well he is going to miss his bottle knife washer and cash cow when you leave. It will be all on him.

I bet now you eyes are well and truly opened, you will remember more of his insane crap.

As well as his insulting insinuations that you are some sort of gold-digger out to fleece him, it's very interesting that he doesn't seem to mind when he benefits somehow. So he's not just a miser, he's a sneaky, conniving fucker as well.

Am so glad you're binning this arsehole off OP - best wishes for your better, happier, more colourful life ahead x

My friends sister was with a mean pig and although they were engaged (her grandmother's ring) they never married.

She got pregnant accidently and he refused to marry her and she juggled her teaching job and childcare....all the time paying for HER children...she had twins.
Her parents were great and helped so much.

When the children were 6 she suddenly came into a massive inheritance, a house, 30 acres and 100k in the bank...her godmother.
He bloody wanted to marry her then. Prick.

Thank god she listened to sense and left him.
He was devastated, heart broken, making all sorts of promises to her. He was absolutely gutted when she packed up EVERYTHING from the house and forced the sale of their home...he couldn't afford it on his own.

She is doing very well for herself now, seeing a very nice man but her sister doubts she will marry.....she's been too scalded and has no wish for more children now her girls are at a great age.

Warms my heart every time I read about a mean man.

Ah I'm so pleased she escaped and is doing well now.

Love it when a greedy pig like her ex gets his comeuppance

Karma at its finest 🙌

That's hilarious!

What a great story! I love it when the villains get their comeuppance.

Make sure you notify your landlord that you have left and if you have to give notice to end the tenancy.
Any one of a joint tenant can end a tenancy and that applies to both people.
Its up to the landlord whether he wants to just let the property to your ex boyfriend and if so he will have to sign a new tenancy in his name only.

Who's name is on the bills like gas, electric and water?
Make sure you take photos of the readings before you go and if anything in your name get it cancelled.
I wouldn't put it past him to try and get you to pay some bills you aren't responsible for.

This is great.

This is purely anecdotal, and absolutely not in the slightest bit scientific, but in my broader circle (ie random acquaintances, work people etc) what I have noticed is that broadly, people who have children without getting married fall into two camps.

Camp 1: the woman is the main breadwinner/has the wealth and is resistant to marriage because she knows that in the event of a divorce, she wll lose out even though she will have been doing the earning AND the bulk of caring, housekeeping etc (incidentally, before everyone shouts about how women who have less money marry all the time, I'd add that I know quite a few families where there's a SAHD, including for a while my own, and in those cases, the couple is married. I think this issue is one that comes up when women know, consciously or unconsciously, that they're going to land up doing BOTh roles and so they're protecting themselves).

Camp 2: Women with partners who are a bit half hearted, sometimes a bit feckless, and don't want to commit. Complain about having to contribute financially, expect the woman to continue to meet all the bills exactly half (oh, and don't even get me started on how often the split, even when it's 50/50 is done so that he pays towards the mortgage, his pension etc and she pays for transitory things like food and childcare).

Real karma would be for you to be very reserved in what you communicate now with this loathsome spotted reptile.

Please do not tell him that you are leaving because of his tightness with money as he will spin this as you wanting to rob him blind and nothing at all will ever shake that impression as it suits him.

Tell him you can't see a future. You want something different etc. Anything vaguely neutral but leaning towards you fundamentally rejecting him and being done.

This way, he will carry on in his own sweet way again and again and again.

Please don't try to rehabilitate a tosser like this. The behaviour is ingrained to treat people they consider 'lesser' like absolute shite.

Grey rock. Slide out from under with a smile and have a great life without this soul sucking dementor. One day soon, you will laugh about all of this and you might see him in a restaurant with some unfortunate and a calculator or him tapping furiously on his phone and showing his dining partner the screen.

He might be wealthy but he is not rich.

Re the furniture, he only went half on the absolute basics for their house..mean fxxker.
She alone paid for everything over the years with help from her family to make the home as comfortable as possible for the twin girls.

She has older brothers, BIL's, sisters and friends, and to say they cleared the house of EVERYTHING that she had bought, or been gifted by family, is an understatement.

He was bleating on about it.
How devastated he was loosing "his girls".

He was a tight selfish father who did shag all for them.
It's a rural community so there was a LOT of gossip, especially as there was a nice juicy land inheritance in the story.
His family were mortified as she is a lovely well liked local teacher.

His parents were nice people too, the manner in which the house was cleared of everything SHE alone bought told a very clear story.....there were and are mortified to this day.
Karma indeed.

Ooh this is brilliant!

I think I agree with you actually, he doesn't deserve to know what a tight pr*ck he is!

OP
Try to be as discrete as possible getting out.
Get your important documents out first, without him knowing.
Then when you're ready to leave have at least one friend or family member come over to be there, when you tell him it's over and while you pack your stuff and take it with.
He sounds like the type that could get vicious.

Ideally more than one friend/family member, and Ideally at least one man.

Quietly tell friends the stories about him, but I agree, do not give him the heads up.

I too was going to say do not tell him it's about his attitude to money. Just be "we want different things/have different values" type of chat.

Or a "I don't see us working out long term".