Page 30 | Being so tight with money?

Rockrose94 · 2024-07-08T20:31:24+00:00

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings. Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

BowlOfNoodles · 12/07/2024 08:04

GameOfJones · 12/07/2024 07:59

I would turn it round on him.

"Dave, you have been using me. You have been happy to freeload from me and have me pay for holidays and meals out. You eat more food than me but charge me half. You don't contribute to presents for my family. You are a miser and a taker and I've lost all attraction I once had for you. I'm leaving and have given the landlord notice."

This man will suck all the joy from your life. You are only 30, you have such a bright future ahead without this stingy git in it. Run for the hills and your freedom.

It is not normal behaviour in the slightest! My DH is definitely a bit more careful with money than I am but we're still a team and split our joint finances. DH does watch the pennies more than I do and that can wind me up when I want to go out for dinner and he wants to save the money and stay at home for example. But we were stood in a shop the other day and I had my purse out to pay for a new dress I was buying and he dashed in at the till and tapped his own card before I could pay. He said it was because he wanted to treat me. Find someone that wants to treat you as well.

I love this for you! I'd be over the moon with the dress gesture I'd of given him a massage 💆‍♂️ lol

MarvellousMidgeMaisel · 12/07/2024 08:12

I had a boyfriend like this. When I left him he presented me with a spreadsheet of everything (he thought) I owed him going back 10 years. It was £16k worth of ‘my half of this dinner out’, ‘my half of fuel to IKEA ’ etc. He earned 6 figures, I barely broke £20k at the time. Run for the hills.

Figgygal · 12/07/2024 08:13

Good luck op
I'm with others on the keeping it simple especially at point of telling him it's over. You've tried talking to him about it he gaslit you - he won't acknowledge hes wrong it'll just be more unpleasant. Just get out when you can and look to the future

Projectme · 12/07/2024 08:25

BustyLaRoux · 12/07/2024 07:17

Me too! I think I’d have to say that the obsession with money (eg going through the shopping list, ensuring he gets the same amount of wine, ensuring she doesn’t use more than a mug full of water in the kettle, etc) isn’t normal behaviour and it is not enjoyable to be around someone who is constantly policing every penny spent. That there is no joy left in the relationship as he will only ever go away or out for a meal if he isn’t the one paying. And that his constant anxiety that he will be fleeced by his girlfriend if he doesn’t do this is awful to be with. That in fact he is the one fleecing her as eats more of the food and is happy to accept treats if she pays. And that she has realised this behaviour is not conducive to being in a mutually respectful and loving relationship.

I’d have to say all that if it were me. The vague “we want different things” would mean he can just think she’s the one with the problem and it wasn’t his fault. I don’t know if I’m petty but I would want to be clear that the fault for the demise of the relationship was entirely with him!

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same!

crockofshite · 12/07/2024 08:25

he may have told you he loves you, but he doesn't value or respect you.

You're definitely not compatible and pity the poor soul who ends up in his bed, bearing his children, living by his rules.

You can just see it coming, he'll refuse to pay for baby stuff, or split the cost of nappies, refuse to buy the children new coats and shoes when they grow too fast. fucking nightmare.

Well done for making the decision to get out.

Onemoreterm · 12/07/2024 08:25

MarvellousMidgeMaisel · 12/07/2024 08:12

I had a boyfriend like this. When I left him he presented me with a spreadsheet of everything (he thought) I owed him going back 10 years. It was £16k worth of ‘my half of this dinner out’, ‘my half of fuel to IKEA ’ etc. He earned 6 figures, I barely broke £20k at the time. Run for the hills.

Bloody hell! You had a lucky escape @MarvellousMidgeMaisel

1HappyTraveller · 12/07/2024 08:26

To be blunt… you are basically sh*gging your housemate. Even then I think a housemate wouldn’t be so stingy over butter.

Dump him before you waste anymore time on this relationship.

Billybagpuss · 12/07/2024 08:27

There’s been a couple of threads like this recently. There’s a few of them around.

Hope your planning is coming along and you find a good happy place .

AngelinaFibres · 12/07/2024 08:28

Rockrose94 · 09/07/2024 11:04

Thanks, sorry I probably jumped to being defensive there and took it harsher than you meant. Part of me wants to discuss it and see if we could change how we work finances and obviously would have to discuss long term plans and I would walk away if he doesn't want to change. But the other part of me isn't sure it's even worth it and might be an opportunity for him to manipulate things so I doubt what's going on again so I really don't know at the moment

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My friend and her husband have 4 children. He gave her money for 'housekeeping ' every month when the children were school age. One evening he took a child to their hobby. A couple of the other children were also with him. He bought fish and chips for them. When they got home he presented her with the receipt so she could reimburse him from the housekeeping .He accounted for absolutely every single penny spent. He was very senior in the RAF and on a huge salary.
I've known several women with husbands like this. It's always completely transactional and the women are always stressed and miserable. Don't become one of them Op.

1HappyTraveller · 12/07/2024 08:29

Rockrose94 · 10/07/2024 08:47

Thanks, I asked him outright last night and he said he doesn't trust that I'm not trying to benefit from him and he feels he needs to protect his money which just says it all . The never paying for dinner is put down to the cost of living crisis apparently and said we could go out more if I wasn't always out with friends... which its complete bullshit as I'm only out with them because we never go anywhere. Just gaslighting and turning it round on me. The conversation last night was beneficial as it's confirmed that we are just not on the same page. I didn't end things as didn't think it was a good idea at midnight after half a bottle of wine but I'm going to speak to family tonight and figure it out.

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Good luck OP. You’re definitely doing the right thing!

multimillionaire · 12/07/2024 08:30

I would leave him and I'd be telling him exactly the reason why. You can express that in a respectful way, it's not either ghost him or be rude. There is a middle ground here.

I think he needs to know how his behaviour is coming across and how it is affecting others. Hopefully he will take a good look at himself and change his ways for the next person. If he doesnt then at least someone else can deal with his shit or he'll end up permanently single, baffled why no woman wants him.

user1984778379202 · 12/07/2024 08:41

Haven't RTFT but I know someone who kept check on his wife's spending down to the penny and she was able to divorce him on the grounds of financial abuse.

Original poster

Rockrose94 · 12/07/2024 08:42

Thanks for all the responses again all, it's been so helpful and I reckon the only reason I have probably realised all this so quickly is because of the resounding response I have had making it so clear that something isn't right. I won't lie that the news story the other day has made me a bit nervous about what someone could do after a breakup and although my bf is clearly a bit mental, I don't think he is unhinged enough to physically hurt me. I reckon he will just go with emotional manipulation. Either way it would be a lot easier for me to have an amicable break up and avoid him being nasty as much as I can so I reckon I will just go with we want different things for the future - which isn't a lie. I don't think me putting all the blame on him being a tight arse would help much. Main thing is keeping my head strong to know what he's been acting like and telling him all this just encourages him to manipulate it all.

OP posts:

Jezzballs2000 · 12/07/2024 08:42

I've been really moved by your replies, anyone can find themselves in this position and you seem really level headed. A great future ahead of you! X

multimillionaire · 12/07/2024 08:45

Rockrose94 · 12/07/2024 08:42

Thanks for all the responses again all, it's been so helpful and I reckon the only reason I have probably realised all this so quickly is because of the resounding response I have had making it so clear that something isn't right. I won't lie that the news story the other day has made me a bit nervous about what someone could do after a breakup and although my bf is clearly a bit mental, I don't think he is unhinged enough to physically hurt me. I reckon he will just go with emotional manipulation. Either way it would be a lot easier for me to have an amicable break up and avoid him being nasty as much as I can so I reckon I will just go with we want different things for the future - which isn't a lie. I don't think me putting all the blame on him being a tight arse would help much. Main thing is keeping my head strong to know what he's been acting like and telling him all this just encourages him to manipulate it all.

Do what is best for you- you know him better than any of us.

I feel angry on your behalf and that he should know he's being a shithead but of course, its best you do what makes you the most comfortable.

You deserve better!

Needanewname42 · 12/07/2024 08:47

I can't find the comment but someone mentioned they'd move stuff out while he's not there, ie at work or somewhere.

I'd definitely do the same. You don't have cameras round the house do you?
Make sure you have family, good friends round to help you.

user1984778379202 · 12/07/2024 08:54

Now RTFT – bloody hell OP! So many examples of his financial abuse, but the one about you sitting there not daring to drink another glass of wine because he doesn't like your glass being topped up more than his is just jaw-dropping! So pleased to read the updates that you are leaving him.

dijonketchup · 12/07/2024 08:58

Read as far as the fact that he won’t top up your wine glass during dinner together in case you drink more than your ‘ration’. Get out OP!
That’s not the behaviour of a polite man.

Prepare for him to gaslight you on the way out and tell people you left him because you are shallow and want him to pay for a more luxurious lifestyle for you. That’s not what this is. It’s HIM that is making this relationship transactional and all about money, NOT YOU.

Nomore45 · 12/07/2024 09:15

I’m so pleased for you that you’re getting away from this mean (in every sense of the word) person.

I agree with PPs that if you tell him that you’re leaving because of his financial abuse he will find a way of spinning it to mutual friends and family that he is the injured party. “You are a freeloader/gold digger etc”.

If you end the relationship and tell him that you just don’t feel physically attracted to him anymore (which is true, because of his miserliness), that will really sting him and he won’t be able to justify it to himself or others that he was just protecting himself financially.

Original poster

Rockrose94 · 12/07/2024 09:16

dijonketchup · 12/07/2024 08:58

Read as far as the fact that he won’t top up your wine glass during dinner together in case you drink more than your ‘ration’. Get out OP!
That’s not the behaviour of a polite man.

Prepare for him to gaslight you on the way out and tell people you left him because you are shallow and want him to pay for a more luxurious lifestyle for you. That’s not what this is. It’s HIM that is making this relationship transactional and all about money, NOT YOU.

Yes totally, that's why I'm not even going to go into the detail of the finances for him to tell me that I'm the problem. And you know what, even if I do want to break up and meet someone who will treat me to some luxuries and spend a little bit of money on me, I don't think there is anything wrong with that!

OP posts:

Redissuereader · 12/07/2024 09:16

Rockrose94 · 12/07/2024 08:42

Thanks for all the responses again all, it's been so helpful and I reckon the only reason I have probably realised all this so quickly is because of the resounding response I have had making it so clear that something isn't right. I won't lie that the news story the other day has made me a bit nervous about what someone could do after a breakup and although my bf is clearly a bit mental, I don't think he is unhinged enough to physically hurt me. I reckon he will just go with emotional manipulation. Either way it would be a lot easier for me to have an amicable break up and avoid him being nasty as much as I can so I reckon I will just go with we want different things for the future - which isn't a lie. I don't think me putting all the blame on him being a tight arse would help much. Main thing is keeping my head strong to know what he's been acting like and telling him all this just encourages him to manipulate it all.

I'm glad you have made your decision OP but at the same time desperately sad that you are even slightly worried about the response it may provoke, please keep safe. I, like you, have been moved by the story this week, again and again women live through "Men are scared women will laugh at them. Women are scared men will kill them" Tread lightly, get out however you can and be safe.

TennisLady · 12/07/2024 09:21

OP I’m joining this thread late but just wanted to say I’m so glad you’ve posted and been able to have an awakening of how awful he is. Thank god you’ve realised this now rather than further down the line.
One day you’ll be with someone else in a more healthy relationship and when he treats you it’ll really hit you more how bad your ex was.

Flatbellyfella · 12/07/2024 09:31

Get rid of this asshole as quick as possible, give him his £2-50 on his way out.

RubyMentor · 12/07/2024 09:40

Life is too short for this shit. Can you imagine what it would be like if you had children? He'd be charging them rent as soon as they come out of the womb!

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 12/07/2024 09:46

When I hear this kind of thing I do wonder how does someone even want any kind of close relationship with a selfish petty minded person. It’s just got the ick written all over it.