Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Poor woman! I couldn't cope. I cane home from work once to find he went out and locked the heating bit up! So I couldn't put it on. I could use has fire he left a note saying I'm not to touch it. He was obsessed. This was the 90'sa It was a big house. A lovely house , needed s bit of updating but it was so cold and unbearable. I could not stay with him. Plus he had a victim mentality, and moaned about everything. There was no joy in him. We were in our early 20's! No renting. Not deposit, no mortgage and I told him he was lucky to have been left a house! Some people are never satisfied.

I knew someone years ago whose husband was like this. Her parents paid for a lot of things for them, they bought her a dishwasher but he didn't let her use it. also complained about how much water she put in the kettle. Acted as though they had no money. She was a stay at home mum and cooked everything from scratch. He was really controlling and treated her like a child, but she loved him and put up with it.

Well done @Rockrose94 and good luck speaking to your family tonight! You can do it.

You've set the scene with your conversation last night and it may take you time to find another place and move out.

So my suggestion would be to say to you P (not so D) - look we have different views on money so from now on, we'll each pay our own way separately food-wise and when we go out. Buy your own food shopping, don't buy together and then split. Same if you go out - you order and ask for a separate bill from the waiting staff. That way you can drink as much and as fast as you like. Oh and if he wants food from your plate - he pays towards it!

Good luck OP - I appreciate this that all been a bit of a shock these last few days. But if sounds like you have a sensible approach to life, so I'm sure you'll be fine

My ex complained about how much water I put in the kettle too. I’d drive 2 hours to see him at the weekend and took food & drink. The heating was never on, I wore my coat. He had the temerity to say he was thinking about charging me for electricity while I stayed with him. I worked out with travel, food & paying for nights out I was down about £125-£150 a month. He never once paid for a coffee out. He’d choose steak if he knew I was paying. The man paid £450 a month for his l leased BMW. In the end I realised I was subsidising his lifestyle and left him. Vile man.

@Rockrose94 I hope you're going to tell him exactly what you think of him and what a stingy git he is when you leave. Please let us know how it goes. Good luck.

Actually he has complained about me putting too much water in the kettle too and have to make sure I only fill up enough for 1 mug 😂but will happily sit blasting a heater in his office for hours to keep himself warm. Oh its exhausting! Onwards and upwards

When the day comes that you do walk away, please leave him his precious £2.50; preferably in one pence pieces

Onwards and upwards. We are all rooting for you. Please let us know how it goes. He is likely to go into overdrive when you are separating your stuff into what belongs to who and who paid for what etc. Don't let this get to you just look at the bigger picture as you will only stress yourself otherwise. Good luck.

I just wanted to say that you sound such a lovely sincere and kind hearted person OP. I'm glad you have taken in all the advice offered to you here and that you now realise that this is very much a "him" problem. You deserve so much better. I wish you all the luck in the world. 💐

If you've bought furniture jointly I'd be tempted to hire a chainsaw and take my half with me. Even some good scissors would enable you to take half the duvet✂

Is this his home office? Are you paying for some of that heat?

I hope you’re ok OP?

He sounds barmy. I hope you can get away from him soon.

If you’re 30 you absolutely need to get away from him asap.

If you think you’d like kids it’s a waste of your time, even a night longer with this man. He sounds really horrible saying he’s protecting himself from you stealing his money. That’s just awful. What a nasty piece of work.

I hope your family are supportive and you can get over this quickly. It sounds like you’ve already had enough anyway.

Jesus Christ on the kettle!

Are you making plans to end things with him? I hope you are. You’ve been gaslit for too long.

I've just read this thread with my jaw on the floor! I'm so glad you've seen the light op and don't have too many entanglements to prevent you ending this. He sounds awful and it just shows how stuff like this can break up on you so it seems normal!

Too much water in the kettle???? Who lives like this?! It isn’t normal. He has serious issues. I really mean that. I think someone who isn’t on the breadline criticising you for boiling more than a mugful of water has serious control issues. He isn’t like this with his friends. So this isn’t about money per se. If he was really that worried about money his friends would be able to see it too. This about some deep seated issues around assuming he is going to be screwed over and ensuring he controls every penny to ensure you don’t step over his imaginary line!! Like I say, he has some issues which are his and his alone to sort. You deserve so much better!

Yes I am, spoke to family who said I can stay with them until I have another rental sorted out fortunately

It's mad but it's all one sided is what I've realised and somehow it's creeped up to this level so I honestly didn't realise how bad it is until I read all these replies.
I actually think the kettle and stuff is more about control the more I reflect on this. There's other small stuff he's done to make me change my behaviour, stuff like shouting at me for washing his fancy knives and leaving them to dry in the dishrack and not putting away. Which I now can't see any reason for shouting at someone for that kind of thing other than control.

Does he tell you how to behave, particularly around his family and friends? I bet he does.

Good luck on moving forward. You're doing well.

@Rockrose94 - it's the 'boiling frog' thing which happens over a period of time so you don't tend to notice how bad things are because it has become your 'normal' and you have nothing to compare it to.

Just thank your lucky stars that the scales have finally fallen from your eyes before it's too late.

Keep your head up and know that you have a very bright future ahead of you!

I'm not sure actually, not really been aware of it other than him maybe scoffing if I said something he didn't like. Usually if I'm making future plans to go out with them and spend money

You're definitely right. Thank you 😊

Tell him straight. 'You're a tight git and it's doing my head in. You're perfectly happy to accept expensive gifts off me but I get nothing in return. You're a piss taker. Bye!'

Have you told your family about his behaviour and if so what was their response?