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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being so tight with money?

984 replies

Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 21:31

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 10/07/2024 09:52

Well at least he was honest Op and admitted he thinks you're on the take. You were a bit surprised we all thought he was unreasonable but I'd bet your family will be shocked by hearing the truth about him. You've lived with his nonsense for so long it's become normal but it really, really isn't.

RandomMess · 10/07/2024 10:07

Once you've told him and you start shopping separately it will become clear just how much he has benefitted from you financially. He's going to be horrified when his food bill is a third more!

SamW98 · 10/07/2024 10:10

Rockrose94 · 10/07/2024 08:47

Thanks, I asked him outright last night and he said he doesn't trust that I'm not trying to benefit from him and he feels he needs to protect his money which just says it all . The never paying for dinner is put down to the cost of living crisis apparently and said we could go out more if I wasn't always out with friends... which its complete bullshit as I'm only out with them because we never go anywhere. Just gaslighting and turning it round on me. The conversation last night was beneficial as it's confirmed that we are just not on the same page. I didn't end things as didn't think it was a good idea at midnight after half a bottle of wine but I'm going to speak to family tonight and figure it out.

Show quote history

FFS he thinks you’re trying to ‘benefit from him’

Got to say you’re a pretty shit gold digger if all you’re after is £2.50 a pack of butter and a few sips of wine - Jesus Christ what a tight arsed twat

Starlight1979 · 10/07/2024 10:11

Mamabear487 · 09/07/2024 22:12

Sounds more like an aggy room mate than a partner. Do NOT have children with him could you imagine! Me and my husband have been together 10 years. He’s always paid for everything. His wages go into the joint account (as do mine although I am part time and earn a hell of a lot less) I can do what I please and buy myself (not that I do really) him and the kids whatever we want without asking or owing one another. He doesn’t care about it. He’s happy with us being happy

Same here. My DP hasn't checked our bank account since the day we opened it together 😂Both our salaries go into one account, I keep an eye on it throughout the month and pay anyone who needs paying (dog sitter, milkman, window cleaner etc), once in a blue moon I will tell him how much is in there, what - if anything - I'm transferring to our savings account, and I'll mention if I'm booking anything / buying anything extravagant (holidays, tickets etc) just so he knows but generally he couldn't care less.

Reading some of these posts (and OPs in particular) I didn't realise how lucky I was and I am now even more thankful for having such a laid back and generous DP - clearly it's something of a rarity!

TheAlchemy · 10/07/2024 10:14

Rockrose94 · 10/07/2024 08:47

Thanks, I asked him outright last night and he said he doesn't trust that I'm not trying to benefit from him and he feels he needs to protect his money which just says it all . The never paying for dinner is put down to the cost of living crisis apparently and said we could go out more if I wasn't always out with friends... which its complete bullshit as I'm only out with them because we never go anywhere. Just gaslighting and turning it round on me. The conversation last night was beneficial as it's confirmed that we are just not on the same page. I didn't end things as didn't think it was a good idea at midnight after half a bottle of wine but I'm going to speak to family tonight and figure it out.

Show quote history

Of course he thinks you’re trying to benefit from him. He thinks he’s such a catch, you’re so lucky to have him, you can’t do any better, any woman would be happy to have him blah blah blah, I and many other women on this thread have heard it all before.

I would love for him to read this thread and see how many of us don’t want him and how many of us are bone dry at the very idea of him.

None of this is your fault, none of it at all.

Starlight1979 · 10/07/2024 10:18

Thanks, I asked him outright last night and he said he doesn't trust that I'm not trying to benefit from him and he feels he needs to protect his money which just says it all

😂Is he Jeff Bezos?? Or Elon Musk???

Starlight1979 · 10/07/2024 10:21

@Rockrose94 Seriously though, I would speak to your parents / siblings / best friend / whoever you have close to you and get the fuck out of there ASAP.

Even if it means staying on someone's sofa temporarily it will be better than what you're living with now. What started as fairly lighthearted is starting to sound worse and worse with every post.

We've had friends stay with us when their relationships have broken up and they've needed to get out and I'm more than happy to let them stay and get themselves back on track. You sound lovely and I'm sure you have lots of people who'd be willing to do the same for you.

Good luck x

Uricon2 · 10/07/2024 10:43

There are better men than this out there OP.You may think he'd be happier with someone as penny pinching as he is but somehow I doubt it, as the "benefit" seems to all flow his way with you. Let him find out the hard way.

CalmMintReader · 10/07/2024 11:11

Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 21:31

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Good grief no. Get out now, you sound lovely and deserve someone who is actually a partner, treats you and makes you feel special. Being on your own has to be better than this.

nats2010 · 10/07/2024 11:16

Hey OP. I hit you are being unreasonable, but this is in terms of staying with this man. His behaviour is truly awful and he is showing you who he is. I would rather be on my own than live like that.
I don't say this lightly but you really need to put yourself first and LTB. Hugs xx

SomewhereInTheMIdlands · 10/07/2024 11:47

He's a selfish pig. This will get worse with age. Test him by not buying him a birthday or Christmas present. Have a hole with a friend, not him. I have an uncle like this who was mean to the penny. His family holidays were never more than a week in a caravan at the cheapest possible site within 50 miles of home to save petrol money and wear and tear on the car. Now 80 years old, suffering cancer, with a big stash of money that his poor suffering wife and offspring can't wait to get their hands on. He will waste your life as well as his own.

SomewhereInTheMIdlands · 10/07/2024 11:48

Have a holiday, not a hole. Auto predict spell check sabotaging my prose.

Venice241 · 10/07/2024 12:18

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 10/07/2024 08:29

I've been thinking about the point that you say he's not stingy with friends. And I think you said he comes from a fairly affluent family? I think it might actually be more sinister than just that he's stingy- he doesn't respect you and doesn't trust you. He thinks you are beneath him and likely to tey to shaft him (because of your poor background and jelousy).

I'm sorry op. I appreciate how hard this is. You thought you were heading towards a future and now you are seeing something completely different.

This is interesting and could well be a huge part of his ugly thinking.

Delighted to read OP will be speaking to family tonight.
Do not hold back.

Marine30 · 10/07/2024 12:23

I hppe your family talk is helpful and I do really hope you can find the strength to leave. From lots of the posts it sounds like these types of men get worse and worse and your life would get more and more miserable.

Greatmate · 10/07/2024 13:20

Rockrose94 · 10/07/2024 08:47

Thanks, I asked him outright last night and he said he doesn't trust that I'm not trying to benefit from him and he feels he needs to protect his money which just says it all . The never paying for dinner is put down to the cost of living crisis apparently and said we could go out more if I wasn't always out with friends... which its complete bullshit as I'm only out with them because we never go anywhere. Just gaslighting and turning it round on me. The conversation last night was beneficial as it's confirmed that we are just not on the same page. I didn't end things as didn't think it was a good idea at midnight after half a bottle of wine but I'm going to speak to family tonight and figure it out.

Show quote history
Petty GIF by AnimatedText

Well he has admitted that he doesn't trust you and thinks you're on the make. All while patting his tummy because he's benefited by eating 17% more food at every meal than he's entitled to. Realistically, I think measuring what people eat and drink is pretty gross but when he's itemising the shopping bill and measuring the MLS I would find it difficult not to be petty.

I would end the relationship. But if your not ready to do that then only buy your own food, wine and toiletries. I'd be inclined to put away the laundry /dishwasher tablets as well. Only wash your own clothes. Only buy gifts for your friends and family. If you eat out only order what your going to eat don't let him eat your leftovers unless he pays for them .

CrimsonStar · 10/07/2024 13:21

Sounds like you have low self esteem. Man should pay for everything since you start dating so gets used to take care of his woman and knows how much money he needs to have a family. When you have children and can’t work because of maternity leave, there will a period in your lives when he has to buy everything so better to teach him that from early days. As a woman I have so many things to buy, paying for the meal or doing 50/50 is offensive.
Dating for 4 years without proposal is also very wasteful for woman. But at least you didn’t make a mistake and didn’t married him.

YouMustBeHappyNow · 10/07/2024 13:31

😂

Roseyjane · 10/07/2024 13:31

CrimsonStar · 10/07/2024 13:21

Sounds like you have low self esteem. Man should pay for everything since you start dating so gets used to take care of his woman and knows how much money he needs to have a family. When you have children and can’t work because of maternity leave, there will a period in your lives when he has to buy everything so better to teach him that from early days. As a woman I have so many things to buy, paying for the meal or doing 50/50 is offensive.
Dating for 4 years without proposal is also very wasteful for woman. But at least you didn’t make a mistake and didn’t married him.

😂

Badburyrings · 10/07/2024 14:02

CrimsonStar · 10/07/2024 13:21

Sounds like you have low self esteem. Man should pay for everything since you start dating so gets used to take care of his woman and knows how much money he needs to have a family. When you have children and can’t work because of maternity leave, there will a period in your lives when he has to buy everything so better to teach him that from early days. As a woman I have so many things to buy, paying for the meal or doing 50/50 is offensive.
Dating for 4 years without proposal is also very wasteful for woman. But at least you didn’t make a mistake and didn’t married him.

Dear god..........................

SamW98 · 10/07/2024 14:03

CrimsonStar · 10/07/2024 13:21

Sounds like you have low self esteem. Man should pay for everything since you start dating so gets used to take care of his woman and knows how much money he needs to have a family. When you have children and can’t work because of maternity leave, there will a period in your lives when he has to buy everything so better to teach him that from early days. As a woman I have so many things to buy, paying for the meal or doing 50/50 is offensive.
Dating for 4 years without proposal is also very wasteful for woman. But at least you didn’t make a mistake and didn’t married him.

My Time Machine has worked - I’m back in 1954

BustingBaoBun · 10/07/2024 14:24

I think one of those Tradwives from the US has posted 😮

AppAteIt · 10/07/2024 14:31

CrimsonStar · 10/07/2024 13:21

Sounds like you have low self esteem. Man should pay for everything since you start dating so gets used to take care of his woman and knows how much money he needs to have a family. When you have children and can’t work because of maternity leave, there will a period in your lives when he has to buy everything so better to teach him that from early days. As a woman I have so many things to buy, paying for the meal or doing 50/50 is offensive.
Dating for 4 years without proposal is also very wasteful for woman. But at least you didn’t make a mistake and didn’t married him.

Someone has their head screwed on straight and definitely will never be suffering a butter or wine shortage. Great post!

ForKeenDeer · 10/07/2024 15:19

I left an many many years ago because he wouldn't put the heating on, height of winter, most northerly part of the UK, so hardly mild. moaned about everything and even his mum told him he should he happy to be mortgage free. He Inherited a big house, 4 bedrooms detached, driveway. Massive garden. Lovely quiet area. I could see a miserable future. He wasn't tight as before moving in he soent money in me, he was very charming. He has deep rooted issues about money and will sucked the joy out of me . He left me to freeze in the winter and I paid him board money and bought food. He has never married and email me not long ago to say I was his best girlfriend and how he wished things had turned out differently. He will be in mid 50's now. Apparentl, his dad was the same, freezing house and never spent money. His parents divorced. His mum re married. I can't see a happy future with this one

Jeannie88 · 10/07/2024 16:32

Tight and lacking in generosity. Does he realise he's like this???

Lunde · 10/07/2024 16:50

ForKeenDeer · 10/07/2024 15:19

I left an many many years ago because he wouldn't put the heating on, height of winter, most northerly part of the UK, so hardly mild. moaned about everything and even his mum told him he should he happy to be mortgage free. He Inherited a big house, 4 bedrooms detached, driveway. Massive garden. Lovely quiet area. I could see a miserable future. He wasn't tight as before moving in he soent money in me, he was very charming. He has deep rooted issues about money and will sucked the joy out of me . He left me to freeze in the winter and I paid him board money and bought food. He has never married and email me not long ago to say I was his best girlfriend and how he wished things had turned out differently. He will be in mid 50's now. Apparentl, his dad was the same, freezing house and never spent money. His parents divorced. His mum re married. I can't see a happy future with this one

You had a very lucky escape.

I worked with a woman who actually married a man like this. It was really odd because at work she was a very tough manager, a qualified accountant - but turned into a simpering tradwife whenever her husband was around. She once came into work with influenza (thanks for that 🙄) in January because it was warmer to be in the office as her husband "didn't allow" her to have the heating on at home during the day - only 2 hours 6.30-8.30pm.