Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

OP.. I don't get it- what are you getting out of this relationship, apart from misery and resentment?

Omg, how could you be so blind for so long??!!
His behaviour is very abnormal and not what you would get in a loving, caring relationship. His behaviour/ attitude is really despicable. Absolutely do not waste any more time with this petty piece of shit.

Are you going to actually do anything about iit and leave instead of going on and on about what you've recorded, and remembered etc etc?

This is just another of countless posts here about women complaining about men they shouldn't be with in the first place, and doing absolutely nothing about it part from sit on Mumsnet and get temporary validation.

What a nasty tone to your post! How on earth is your post supportive of a woman who in processing the fact that she is being abused?? 😡

She has said up thread that she's leaving but that she can't leave without some planning etc, which is totally understandable. Wtf do you expect her to do, open the front door and walk out of it with no where to go, without an item of her belongings? Who do you think you are demanding more urgent action. If op "going on and on" doesn't suit you, simply leave the thread, don't kick a woman in her position down.

45 minutes of his gaslighting and explaining I'm wrong and being irresponsible.

You absolutely do not have to put up with this anymore OP. He has no right to do this. At nearly midnight too. He's on a nasty power trip. Who does he think he is? A high court judge?

I'm sorry that you are going through this, it must be awful, but at the same time at least you are gaining clarity and dispersing the haze of gaslighting.
Perhaps you could just try getting up and leaving the room without saying a word the next time he starts, so you don't have to listen to it. And this week find some RL support and continue with your planning.

It's rubbish to say because you are taking stock of the extent of his behaviour, you must now march immediately out the door. Extracting yourself with the least harm to yourself requires a bit of careful thought and planning and in the meantime of course you are allowed to blow off some steam on here while you gather your thoughts and put your plans into place. This is not your fault. Its his.

Hope you can get a good nights sleep.

Obviously you're wonder woman with a second property that you can flit to at a moments notice...

Meanwhile, the rest of us would take more than the less than two and a half days since OP first posted, to actually end a relationship and kick them out/leave.

Give the woman a break for fucks sake!

You spelt "glug" wrong 🤣

Op hope you are OK. Stay strong. I think that you should speak to family and friends get some real life support.
Do you have family that you could go to?

This is edging towards financial abuse. Especially the fact he is generous with friends but not you.

Ignore the posters who think that you should leave instantly. Others are absolutely correct it takes time to come to terms with the relationship ending and find somewhere else to live.

Wow. I can’t believe you actually wrote that. OP has already commented that she is planning to leave him but can’t just up and go. Your comment is one of countless the same on Mumsnet where posters think other peoples lives are a soap opera for their crass gratification. Threads on here are conversations and advice, not contracts to do exactly as the OP is told!!
Really tasteless comment.

Transactional - that's the word!

As you go through life, you grow as a person. That is one advantage of getting older and there aren't many. You will never blossom and grow as a person with this twonk stifling the life out of you.

I can't imagine drinking a glass of wine knowing I am being watched and there is a frickin agenda to it and everything else.

Like a PP said. You seem invested in explaining to him. Don't. You are not the asshole whisperer. Let him pull this stunt on others. That way he will know it wasn't you.

Tell the LL you are off and cut this off clean. It's great out here in the wild.

He charged you for 'wear and tear' to his sofa?

OMG that is next level!

Well done on the forgotten purse ending

Yes she is! They live together she's going to need an exit strategy! After being gaslighted for years she wanted to get independent opinions... let's hope we've given her the confidence to go I believe she can!

That's a trait I hate and I could NEVER be I a relationship with someone like this.

I would have got rid of him the VERY first time I saw any signs of this.

To me, being in a relationship is about sharing and caring for each other.

My husband and I have a joint account that all our money goes into. We just buy what we want from that and never have a discussion about who has spent more!

I think I'd say we should eat separately as I don't want to eat too much of my share, and enjoy expensive yummy food while he watches.

If I cooked or cleaned I'd be asking for expenses, such as for condiments etc.

And then I think I'd ditch him lol

I've been thinking about the point that you say he's not stingy with friends. And I think you said he comes from a fairly affluent family? I think it might actually be more sinister than just that he's stingy- he doesn't respect you and doesn't trust you. He thinks you are beneath him and likely to tey to shaft him (because of your poor background and jelousy).

I'm sorry op. I appreciate how hard this is. You thought you were heading towards a future and now you are seeing something completely different.

He has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Quite apart from the other things, that, right there, is a huge red flag.
A man who's truly into you will treat you like a queen - not quibble over £2.50!
Ditch this miser and find a man who knows your worth.

Yep. I’m divorced now but throughout my 23 year marriage we had a joint bank account and everything went in and out of that.

We’d run larger expenses past each other but only in an FYI way. Never once did we quibble over who was spending more. But the OP and some of these posts are about a much bigger issue than a few ££££ - it’s a general mean spirited spiteful attitude that is a horrible trait in a person.

Thanks, I asked him outright last night and he said he doesn't trust that I'm not trying to benefit from him and he feels he needs to protect his money which just says it all . The never paying for dinner is put down to the cost of living crisis apparently and said we could go out more if I wasn't always out with friends... which its complete bullshit as I'm only out with them because we never go anywhere. Just gaslighting and turning it round on me. The conversation last night was beneficial as it's confirmed that we are just not on the same page. I didn't end things as didn't think it was a good idea at midnight after half a bottle of wine but I'm going to speak to family tonight and figure it out.

Thanks, I asked him outright last night and he said he doesn't trust that I'm not trying to benefit from him and he feels he needs to protect his money which just says it all

It really does.

It's also so weird. Why would you share your life with someone you don't trust!? This is on him, not you.

Good luck figuring it out.

A life with him sounds miserable. You deserve so much better 💓

Share what you have here with your family and friends and watch their reaction! You are doing the right thing. You know that you need to end the relationship when the timing is right for you but overall you know that it's over.

Well done OP, a beautiful life is out there. One day you will have that bottle of wine in Paris and your heart will be full of joy.

Good morning lovely OP.
At least you know what you're dealing with now.
And you also know it's not you - it's him.
There are lots of stingy arseholes out there, so you are not alone.

Well done on grasping the nettle.
The future is so much brighter.

Dodged a bullet I reckon.

She is not stuck at all! She could do what millions of mothers have done the world over and leave him! Put a claim in for CMS and get on with her life!

3 Ghosts? 🤨

Dickens novel 👻