Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

OP my heart goes out to you. It’s horrible to suddenly have the veil lifted but I hope in the long run it will be for the best. I hope you can find a way to end things without it being too painful.

Do you have anywhere to go? How will you handle a break up?

do you have any support?

Big hugs to you. I think this thread should now focus on helping OP hatch a plan to LTB. Not going over his miserliness anymore . That is already established.

I'd leave there and then over the loo roll. Ick. Glad you got shut.

Living with someone isn't all its cracked up to be at times.

Oh my god. Never heard anything like it. Dump now.

So glad you have seen him for the miserable tight arse he is.

He has been using you op.

You deserve so much better

OMG this brings back memories of a self-catering holiday in France some years ago with exH, SIL and BIL.

BIL would not allow us to split the bills 50:50 No supermarket trip was complete without over an hour being spent on the "receipt audit" where every penny had to be allocated to one couple or the other. He even counted the number of cloves on a head of garlic to charge us 2p for each one used 🙄

We also spent an hour tramping around town on our journey home because he wanted to eat very cheaply but didn't want "chicken and chips" so rejected the reasonably priced place recommended by the hotel. He was in a huge sulk as he had this delusion that we would be able to get a gourmet meal for under £5.🙄🙄Of course an hour later he realized we couldn't and cheap won out ... so it was poulet-frites at the place we started at.

This is ridiculous! And I am heading in the similar direction, as my husband check all the items on the check and then complains if he feels like I bought some food I only eat. We are heading for separation, so if this is the case with your boyfriend .... I would suggest you to have a straight talk, as in the long run it will not work out. I've been together with my husband for 12years, but I was in a complete different situation when we got together, as I was still studying and not earning. Anyway, my advice would be either 1) you have a very open talk about this financial situation, as this is not normal if you want to create a family with him or 2) you go separate ways (he seems too stingy, and is sticking around just for the benefit of you treating him), if it was me, this would not lasted more then 2 dates .... if he didn't bother to woo you at the beginning, not much can be expected afterwards.

Sounds more like an aggy room mate than a partner. Do NOT have children with him could you imagine! Me and my husband have been together 10 years. He’s always paid for everything. His wages go into the joint account (as do mine although I am part time and earn a hell of a lot less) I can do what I please and buy myself (not that I do really) him and the kids whatever we want without asking or owing one another. He doesn’t care about it. He’s happy with us being happy

this is precious, such a good advice 😂

I had an ex like this OP. It's beyond being careful with money, it's sheer obsessive control and tightness.

I put up with me driving us about and petrol costs, paying for meals out etc before I cottoned on when he wasn't funding the bill, he'd suddenly be ravenously hungry and order 3 courses. Day trips out were packed lunches, if he brought an item of more monetary value he would expect me to give him the difference even if this was pence. Actually tried arguing that the items Idbroughr could be sourced at a cheaper price than I'd bought so that was my poor planning. The tipping point came 2 months on the bounce of me buying in wine / nice meal for a weekend night. Both on limited incomes but enough not to be in hardship. He never contributed a penny or said thank you. Drank all the wine and called me stingy for not bringing a second bottle. I'd decided to test what he did when I turned up empty handed. He complained, questioned what I'd spent my money on that week (cheek!), made a big song and dance he'd have to cook "his food". Cooked 1 frozen pizza which I was allowed 1 small slice. Insisted he could only spare me a glass of tap water. Ended the evening with him addressing that he would be happy to wait until I collected the meal next week to pick up a replacement pizza for the one we'd eaten. Only fair considering he had host costs...turns out he'd estimated the one night a week I went to his incurred extra water meter costs from using the toilet, extra electric from watching a film rather than tv programme and "wear and tear" costs from extra sitting on the sofa/ walking on the carpet....
It gave me the royal ick and I ended things shortly after. Not before, I might add, going for a meal out knowing full well I had "accidentally" left my purse in another bag. The look on his face was priceless. I would highly commend this as a strategy as recompense for his hide and seek games with the butter alone OP - that in isolation is outlandishly tight behaviour

@Rockrose94 how fucking joyless.

Just another one piping up to say that he sounds like an absolute misery, and life is much too heartbreakingly short to put up with that. Best of luck in preparing everything to leave him: You're now being brave and smart! Now he can have the wine bottle all to himself. 🙄

It's all so transactional 😥

DH and I have a single joint account which everything goes into and comes out of, because we are a team and we trust each other.

No no no. This is so unattractive.

As all PP.. please please never have children with this man!!

Making you wait till he’s finished his glass of wine before you can top yours up is insane. Please come back and tell us what he says when you tell him you’re leaving him because he's a mean fucker

Leave he won’t get any better 💔

Jeez. I just recorded 45 minutes of his gaslighting and explaining I'm wrong and being irresponsible. Obviously I cant share it here but we started discussing a specific credit card payment and it all blew up. Obviously not helped by the wine and I'm 100% not saying I am innocent in any means, I'm sure this post is all one sided. But I am 100% the problem in his mind, I can see his "convincing me" and I'm so just so so fucking done.

So he's trying to make you feel too uncomfortable to ask for money due to you. He's conditioning you.

@Rockrose94 Recording it so you can see it more clearly is great.

Please tell me you left him by the time you read this far?! He sounds like the most
miserly guy in England.

I was once you. He even had a book where we logged exactly who owed what to each other and yes, some of the amounts were tiny. We were together for ten years and had children. I left years ago but still have control issues around money because of it...thankfully my husband is very understanding. This could very easily turn into financial abuse ...it did for me and I didn't spot it until it had become my normal.

I really hope you're ok? Get some sleep, then spend any spare time you have tomorrow flat hunting online, or asking a relative or friend if you can lodge with them for a bit. Just make sure when you leave this cock, that you let the landlord or agency know, give them one month notice, then you are not liable for any rent after that.

Going forward grey rock him "we have fundamentally different attitudes to money so best we part ways as there isn't a compromise"

Stick with it and get notice served on the property.

It strikes me that some men never get past the sibling rivalry stage. Kids are obsessed with making sure things are completely fair and even, and never allowing one of their siblings to get slightly more. I reckon some men just transfer this crap into their relationship with their adult partners and view it as a fight to the death to see who 'wins'.

LTB

OMG, he sounds absolutely miserable. There’s nothing worse than being with a calculating, penny pinching man. I think it has got to be the worst or one of the worst traits a person can have.

Don’t waste any more time with this loser, find someone else, you deserve better.