Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

How.
They would each be contributing equally. Currently OP is paying for more

Oh ok @blossomtoes responded before your edit. 🤣

OPs thread isn't really about contributing equally. It's the tit for tat tally up and keeping score. Not asking for the sum of £2.50, monitor wine drinking and hide the butter all in the name of fairness!

Sorry I can't actually keep up with all the replies, it's obviously struck a chord with a lot of you! I have read through and totally agree with all. I don't know how I didn't see how fucked it is. He's obviously manipulative too which is why I am now leaning towards not bothering with a conversation as I don't trust that he could sustain any promises. I'm feeling lucky that we don't have kids. It's a Tuesday night ok, but I am sat here drinking my rose as fast as I fucking like, figuring out a plan.

A friend was in your situation OP and when they had DC she ended up paying all the DCs expenses. Household bills were divided equally and they each had spending money left for personal expenses, dental treatment etc and she ended up keeping the DC as well, including buying all the birthday and Christmas gifts.(Well you wanted DC more than I did, he said).
Its a bit like a frog on a saucepan with the heat gradually being turned up — you don’t notice have awful the situation is until it’s difficult to extricate oneself.
Good luck OP, there’s someone deserving of you out there that will enjoy treating you.

If you have a joint account in marriage with all earnings in one pot why would you need a separate account to call your own? Money in a joint account is your own albeit shared equally with your partner. I wouldn't be comfortable sitting at a table working out who is paying for what in our family and possibly resenting each others contributions,each to their own though.

Reach out to friends and family.
Accept help.
Have you much to take with you?
Are you on the lease?
Can you up and leave him in the lurch?
Quietly get organised.
Take a day off work.
Have friends clear the place of your stuff?
Can someone put you up?

Why are you with him??

what joy do you get from having to think like this, knowing this is how he would treat you?

you need to work on your self-esteem.

Ick.

Dh and I just have a joint account. We don’t tally anything up.
However some people like their own and many of my friends have a joint plus their own.
The outgoings are averaged and split with plenty of wiggle room.

You probably would have savings if you acted like he did.

You are sponsoring his lifestyle at your cost. Not only are you missing out on your potential savings (and likely decrease in food bills!), but you are missing out on the potentiality of another persons love and care that is - equal to yours.

He is not a prize and you are not a tree - you can move on x

Raising a glass in solidarity.
Is there a friend or family member who might let you stay for a few weeks while you flat hunt? I'd perhaps have a conversation with him outlining what a shit he has been, but it would be a final conversation without any room for him to wriggle out of it. There's no way he will ever change.

I ditched a fella for this very reason. And it’s not just being tight; it’s selfish and disrespectful. Sack him off

Now that you've realized who he really is, and he is giving you the ick, can you just pack your stuff and decamp to friends or family?

No big conversations or explanations, no drama. He doesnt deserve an ounce of consideration on your part, given the disdain he has dished out to you for literally years.

Urgh- I had an ex like this- it was a huge turn off. Complaining if i use too much loo roll. Etc etc.
We had 1 takeaway in 4 years and 2 coffee out ( macdonalds). His meanness towards his kids was frightening.
I ran
So should you !!!!!

He sounds appalling and you deserve better. Please don't have children with this dreadful man.

Run.

I really feel like we’re gonna need an update on this, it’s really struck a chord!

If I was in your shoes right now, Id finish my wine and go to bed
And not act on anything - tonight, or even tomorrow

Because right now you are having to come to realise a lot and its a lot to take on board. So much stuff thats been going on that you havent noticed, never even thought of as being weird, your life as you know it is possibly exploding

You are right in that writing it down, "talking it out on here" is eye opening for you. But dont just jump into anything. Take time to let all this sink in and work out what is the truth of the matter, decide on what you want to do moving forward then speak to him without us all speaking for you

Best of luck going forwards xx

My sister has a friend who is like this with their partner. But this girl is like this, as well as her partner, and it works for them!

It wouldn't work for me.

If you have kids with him, and have to go on maternity leave, and not being able to contribute financially, what will he and you do?

It took my daughter a good few months to wake up and smell the coffee so to speak. We’d all seen it from the beginning and when she left it was sickening to hear the lengths her partner went to about money. There’s being careful with money, there’s having to be frugal to live within your means and be able to save then there’s the unhealthy tightwad. The tightwad is the worst, being seen to be normal in company but at home it’s a different story.

It got so bad he was arguing over dog food - feeding an animal they’d both agreed to get. He tried to cut the dog down to half of what it needed in dried food, that was how tight this man was. She refused to feed the dog half portions, he argued, she argued back, he continued to argue. She later found out when he was feeding the dog when she was on a shift he only gave it half portions. He later told her this in an argument to “prove” she was spending too much on dog food.

When she eventually chucked him out he actually asked for the dog! That was never going to happen.

I don’t care what anyone says, the tightwad tries to exert control, it’s a form of financial abuse imo. My DD tried to talk to him so many times about it but he never understood. He’ll do the same with the next person he meets and the next and the next….

Enjoy your wine OP.

Omg what a tight arse

Have as much rose as you bloody well want !!!! Fuck him

And stick his 2.50 up his arse

My DH used to be cheap. I set him straight very early on. I cant deal with cheap. Learnt behaviour from his family. Being tight meant they could achieve some financial goals (flat bought outright in London) but there was just no enjoyment with all the penny pinching.

We discussed it early in our relationship. It is not like we can take it with us when we die. He is still sensible with money but not tight. Enjoys treating us and me.

Your partners level of tightness is astounding. I could not with a person like this. I hope your exit plan is smooth. Get rid! you will not be missing out on anything.