Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

The fact that he conveniently ‘forgets’ when the tally gets out of control but wants his money owed speaks volumes. Also, the fact that he doesn’t behave this way when you are out with friends….

Like I said previously, gather what is important and leave.

I would leave him with the furniture and ask for your half of the deposit in lieu.

Your life would be utterly miserable if you stayed and had children. Let him go and live your life. You are only 30 years old, life is just beginning.

Don't forget you need to charge him every time you take him in your car! Seriously, you need to have a conversation about your future. What happens if you have children? I couldn't live like that, him being a miser is antisocial. And counting every penny like that...I'd be calling it a day life is for living and enjoying.

I couldn't be with someone like this. It's so massively incompatible with how I would want to live, I find generosity a very attractive trait. I would be very worried about having children with him.

Op, I hope you’re treating yourself to nice things now and again? If I was you I’d be booking a hotel room on my own and getting out there!

Listen, life is hard. It’ll get tough at times. Really hard. You need to live, have fun, treat yourself and those around you.

When DH and I met we’d scrape together our last £50 and up on the train for a day trip, have a nice glass of wine, a bag of chips and come home with no change and no money until next pay day. I’m not saying you should be so frivolous but you need to get out and live. He’s holding you back and not because he can’t afford it. It’s a horrible trait that will never get better. Do not waste any more years on this man! Even my 12 year old bought his ‘girlfriend’ a lovely bracelet on their class trip and treated her to a bag of sweets. Has he ever treated you to a fun trip or just bought you a bar of chocolate because he knew it would make you smile?

I read to about halfway when the red flags were waving high and thought "RUN"!
I don't know you but I DO know that you deserve much, much better!
I also just saw some posts saying the same
Know your worth! Know your worth! Know YOUR WORTH!
Take no nonsense from anybody, certainly not this joker
You are worthy of much much better
RUN!
X

Well, he will know for sure you're not a money grabber when you leave him and his precious savings.

I hate to tell you, but I think people like this only get worse! You have to sit down and discuss it with him. Tell him you can’t go on like this and ask him if he agrees that this is more than being careful, it is being mean.

I’ve a tight friend and everything purchased is itemised and discussed. She has more money than I will ever have and yet I end up paying more than her when we go out. She is getting meaner.

There is such joy to be had from buying something for someone you love-how sad that he doesn’t want to do that.

Nailed it

He sounds horrible!
I wouldn't put up with that. Nothing more off-putting.

How ironic since in this scenario it’s him leaching off you, money and soul! And if you were a money grabber you’re taking a long time to catch on to your lack of money grabbing skills 🤔🤦🏻‍♀️😅 He sounds soul crushingly vile OP. Run for the hills!

I have just remembered a common phrase which will again prove that he thinks I'm out to fleece him. We often let the receipt tallying up run out of control, he has said on multiple occasions that I am only concerned about getting my money back so will only ask to tally it up if he owes me money. But if he is due money from me I will never ask to 'square up'. In actual fact I just don't chase him often, he only notices the occasions when it's him owed.

I just want to point out how manipulative this is. He says you only want to tally up if you are out of pocket. You don't want to look like a miser, so you don't track the tally and don't point out of he owes you. He then points out when you owe him money and accuses him of only caring about your money.

But if you did point out when he owes you, he would still say you only care about your money.

It's heads he wins, tails you lose.

He’s awful. His behaviour is so unattractive and controlling- he makes you drink wine at his speed?!? If he doesn’t trust you enough to be honest about his savings then you can’t be thinking about committing to him - imagine the conversation with the mortgage broker…

Glad you are going to leave. Good decision.

He’d have to go. It’s one of the things I find least attractive in a man

Prepare yourself. When you leave because he's so tight, he'll use it as evidence that you're a money grabber.

He's destined to a life of penny pinching.

Can’t get beyond 1 lousy meal out in FOUR YEARS!!!! WTAF? 😱 He keeps his savings while you treat him to dinner and holidays?

Unless he’s a walking orgasm machine I can’t see why you are with him…

This is so far from normal, it’s unreal to me that you even asked.

If you want to see what your life would look like if you bought a house with this man, please look at this other recent post. FYI she is getting ready to leave him, but it’s tricky with a shared mortgage and a dog.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5012768-does-this-sound-financially-fair?page=1

So does he pay you when you use your vehicle for food shops, etc?

Also here’s my situation if it helps to show how different it is to yours.

When my husband and I were first dating (in our twenties) I earned more than him. I paid 60% of all costs and he paid 40%. When I got a bonus I paid for us both to go on holiday.

When our salaries evened out we paid half each. We would take it in turns to pay for meals, bigger expenses we split equally. We both enjoyed treating each other to surprises and nice gifts.

Fast forward a decade - I took 5 years off work to raise our babies. He paid 100% of all mortgage, bills and all costs. He paid into my pension every month and put money into an isa each month solely in my name. Honestly think about if your boyfriend would do the same for you in the future raising your joint children.

You are 30. I wouldn’t waste any more time on a man who will make a terrible husband and a terrible father.

Yes! She is taking one for the team!

Jesus Christ, cut and run before you end up pregnant!

Reading threads like this makes me appreciate the arrangement DH & I have in our marriage. All the money we earn goes into one pot in a joint account. As previous students we didn't enter the marriage with savings so started from scratch. I understand people who wish to protect their money in case of divorce. I can't think like that & I know it's the same for DH. We are family & we share everything equally despite DH earning far more than me & always has. I feel sorry this is your situation OP.

Doesn’t really sound like a relationship money wise, more a flat share.

If you want to move forward open a joint bank account. Each pay in the same amount for all outgoings, food, treats and holidays. Then each of you contribute the same and each of you keep whatever is left over as your own.

The test is whether he agrees to it.

Why wouldn’t he agree to it? He’d be quids in.

Sorry, wrong thread. 🙈

I really don't agree that OP should do this and get even more embroiled in any way further with her DP. He has already given her enough evidence of who he his and shown his true colours . The only thing OP needs to do is plan her exit. Even flat mates share more than him in this supposedly loving relationship.

He's pathological incapable of sharing or seeing his partner as 'us' .