Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Do not stay with this man, instead imagine what he would be like if you got married because believe you me, they get worse. No bloody wonder he has more savings than you. He is a miser and your life will be more miserable and you will end up resenting him even more. Run as far and as fast as you can.

I was married to a man who was incredibly mean with money, even though he earned a lot more than I did. This meanness was also reflected in his emotional involvement; he had no concept of the joy of giving. It was the main reason we divorced.

Even in the office environments whenever anyone is bringing the milk/sugar/napkins/biscuits, people (who just happen to spend time at the same office, not friends, not partners) are less stingy than that...

It’s never just money. That’s just the tip of the cheapskate iceberg. He will be mean with his time, his compliments, his care…money is just the most visible sign of a true miser.

No it’s not normal. It sounds like you’re a couple of students sharing accommodation. He won’t change. He’d have to go.

Show him this thread op?

He knows he’s being mean. He doesn’t want his friends thinking of him as mean so he’s more generous with them.

Can you get him to 'square up' first before you dump him? I would say 'oh yeah, speaking of the £2.50 that I owe you, you still owe me £xxxx from x y z that I paid for you miserly dickwad'

He sounds horrible OP. The fact he is like this with you and not other people is very concerning. What a joyless way to live. Get rid of him. You deserve better.

OP please do no waste any more of your time with this man- he will NOT change. He might for a little while but will be back to his default self.

If you stay with him, then you will become like him with the tit for tat tallying up and keeping stock of a few pounds here or there. This is no way to live your life. This will spill into your time with friends and find you don't get asked out as much as your DP is too concerned about you spending money out when childcare is so expensive etc. This leads to you being more and isolated. That is what he is ultimately trying to do. This is violence of the worst kind as it's not so obvious as having a black eye.

Set yourself free, find someone who deserves you, maybe have some counselling to get your self esteem back on track.

One of my dealbreakers is a stingy man. You will forever be miserable
When I was at university I was dating a guy who had a well paid graduate job.
I was going through a difficult time and asked him to spend some time with me.
He duly obliged but asked me to pay ten pounds for his petrol.
He became an ex that same day
Run for the hills

This is not a relationship. End it now.

You are not a partnership.

You are flatmates, but even flatmates aren't that tight.

Yes and that is ghastly. He knows that his friends would judge him, so that means he knows its not a good look.
What really got me was when you mentioned that he has frequently accused you of being a money grabber and if you tried to talk to him about this situation he would go off on one again about it

"if he tries to convince me that I'm being a money grabber"

The utter gall of someone who is such a miser, trying to make out that you are too.
I think this is like people who lie a lot. They are very quick,when anyone challenges them to protest that the challenger is the liar. They are so tuned into what they would do, they think everyone thinks like that. In this case, he thinks everyone is counting up the beans.
He places a lot of value on how many pennies everyone has, has he ever given a clue that might point to why he thinks like this? Does he add up how much potential inheriances might be? Does he obsess about other things too?
There's an element of competitiveness in this. He wants to make sure you don't get one over on him. He wants to win the contest.
Doesn't make any difference to how appallingly he's behaving, just wondering aloud why someone would do that.

You'll never have any money to call your own whilst you're with him. He'll spend it all for you.
Prepare to exit from this as it will end in tears.

OP listen to that other part of you that thinks it’s not even worth it. This behaviour is so extreme and ingrained, he won’t change but you might waste time hanging around to find out.

I ended a relationship many years ago after an extreme stinginess at lunch but it took me until later that week to realise how ridiculous it had become.

You sound absolutely lovely and deserve so much more.

If you want children, choose very carefully who you have them with.

Show him this thread?!

Wtf. What awful advice.

I would find this very unattractive. Please don’t have children with this man.

I had already replied to say this is not normal and he won’t change but I hadn’t read this. The fact he is generous with others says this is about controlling you. Feels quite sinister actually.

It’s gaslighting isn’t it. Controlling and abusive. Horrible.

You know that you deserve better than this.

Not so long ago, another poster on here recounted a saying her dad used: “I’m careful but I’m not mean”. Your “DP” is very much in the latter camp. It’s not about combined finances, it’s about behaving as a couple of with each others best interests and wellbeing in mind.

Owing him £2.50 from a food shop at any point, never mind after four years and when you live together is horrendous. That’s real miserly behaviour. (And would make me wonder if he actually has as much in savings as he makes out).

This guy won’t change and unless you want to be having your future DC’s bubblebath marked down as an extravagance you “owe him” then now would be a good time to go your separate ways.

Cut this off at the head OP.

It's as bad as it can get and he clearly sees you as a rip off merchant. Lovely!

I may be shot down for this but you are allowed to leave him "high and dry" just pack your bags and go. You don't have to explain yourself to him in the hope of gaining his permission or achieving amicable. You don't have to diligently pay your half and wait until the end of the lease, or pay him his half for any joint purchases or gifts (if you even got any) with you. You owe him absolutely nothing and it doesn't matter what he says or others think of you because of him. If there's a dog (not sure if this thread or another) just take it.

I wish wish wish I had understood this when my exH and I separated

Anyway best of luck and enjoy a new and better life OP!

I'm so so pleased that you escaped and recovered so successfully from this awful "relationship"

Don't blame you for drinking your wine quickly! I'd be strawpedoing it in your shoes 😬

You deserve so much better OP x