Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

This will never change, he thinks every girlfriend or partner is out to steal his money which isn’t healthy. He’ll never change.

There’s definitely some misogyny going on here then - I’d have dumped him for the comment about worrying about women taking his money. What a prize clown.

He only subjects you to his miserable, miserly tendencies? Please get away from him and enjoy yourself!!

Yes, why does he reserve the most miserly behaviour for you?

Because he is choosing to behave this way with you.

He doesn't NEED to act like this with money, as he isn't quite so tight with his friend. It's only you.

IN other words, he trusts his friends but he doesn't trust you.

Fuck, and I mean this, that.

Just jumping onto the thread to wish you all the best for your next move, and for the future, OP. There are lots of great blokes out there for you. Ones who don't measure wine!

Yep I think you are right - thinks I'm out to grab money from him when he is meant to be choosing to spend his life with me. Doesn't make sense really.

I voted YABU because I think you're mad to be putting up with this for 4 years if you're not happy with it.

Do you love him? Is he your friend? If neither, please leave. If you do believe you love him then you need to think very hard because he is not going to change - better to cut losses, really.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 can we be friends

Perfect leaving present for Ebenezer Scrooge, @Rockrose94 :

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/304661.The_Complete_Tightwad_Gazette

And/or he wants to look good in front of his friends but doesn't care what you think?

This is awful. So he’s happy for you to pay for nights away etc and that isn’t him taking advantage because you wanted to spend it. Whereas you wanting him to be generous in return is taking advantage?! So he’s happy to receive but not happy to give? And he calls you out for being tight! WTF???

My dad was like this growing up. He used to go through the shopping list and charge my mum back for anything non-household approved that she’s bought. Miserable! Everything has to be “fair”. If he lends you £5 he will be on the phone next day asking for it back and ringing every day until it’s transferred. He isn’t badly off and could easily afford to forget £5, but it’s the principle.

My brother and his wife don’t share finances and they have so many disagreements about money. Who’s spent more on this or that. Who is out of pocket. It’s so unhealthy.

I think you know that a life with this tight arse man will be miserable. You’re already having to become miserly with him yourself to avoid him taking advantage of you. Time to throw this one back and look for someone who matches you in generosity.

When he calls you a money grabbing bitch remind him that he eats 2/3 of the food shopping but charges you 50/50. He makes off you every meal. Yet he's so tight he quibbles over £2.50 or a few MLS of wine.

I have just remembered a common phrase which will again prove that he thinks I'm out to fleece him. We often let the receipt tallying up run out of control, he has said on multiple occasions that I am only concerned about getting my money back so will only ask to tally it up if he owes me money. But if he is due money from me I will never ask to 'square up'. In actual fact I just don't chase him often, he only notices the occasions when it's him owed. It's actually all so petty and weird but I'm just realising all the shit he's said to me and how many comments he has made accusing me of doing him out of money 😤feel exhausted just thinking about it all

You need to stop going over what he's said and done and put action into leaving.

It's futile going over it repeatedly and doing nothing.

I've seen some good tik toks, mainly in the USA so not sure how well it applies to the UK(I am guessing you live here) but principles are similar, men will always spend on a woman he deems to be worth it. And there are stories of divorced women who work hard and went without at their partners insistence, than the next thing his spending alot of money on a new girlfriend. Some men are so tight and wouldn't spend on anything, I've had dates where the guy will do anything to avoid going for a drink with you or somewhere you need to pay for. I'm always happy to pay my share but they don't even want to go there.
You do deserve better and he is putting money away at your expense, if he was so into 50/50 he would pay you back straight away for the times you pay a bit more on shopping and so on.
Good luck and I hope you find someone great.

He’s groomed you well op for a life of misery - the fact he is only like this with you and no one else is abusive in my eyes. My heart hurts for any future children he has.

Is he an accountant?? Nothing worse than a tight boyfriend, I had one of those, left and never regretted it! Now have a gorgeous husband of 25 years, we share everything and have a lovely life - good luck!

You must be made to realise some people get a thrill each time they think they’ve gotten something from you, it’s like a video game of achievements for them and they’re obsessed and addicted.

Nothing else matters, not your feelings, not the relationship, not their own reputation or dignity.

You must realise how serious and ingrained this behaviour is, it’s a sort of targeted psychosis. It cannot be rationalised and it’s very very wrong.

It’s like trying to understand an alien on LSD, you won’t be able to, you’re wasting your time. Self preservation is more important than understanding him.

Believe me, his own self preservation is paramount in his mind, as you well know. He is looking after number one, who will take care of you if you do not save yourself now?

The only thing you need to focus on for the sake of your future happiness is how to get out.

My predictions for how he may try to stop you leaving:

1. Profuse apologies.
2. possibly tears.
3. Gifts - they will most likely be something he himself enjoys doing but wouldn’t normally pay for, such as a fancy meal or going to see a show.

Quite quickly, in a fortnight or so, he will relax after the panic of thinking his golden goose may be leaving. Aaaaand he’ll be back to his usual self asking you for a pound.

You will be confused, you will think: oh so he caaan change. He can and does understand.

You will talk to him again.

Rinse and repeat.
Ride the ride as many times as you want until the light leaves your eyes and heart.

Some people live like this for decades, at which point they have lost the will to live and all of life has passed them by while they were busy being mercilessly ruled by a calculator.

This is the bit that is so weird, the accusing you of somehow doing him out of money. You have been together for a fair while now for him to realise that is not what you are about at all. I would be so pissed off if I were you. Yes an ex girlfriend "may well" have fleeced him but that doesn't stretch to you and he should have realised that about you within the first few months.

I would be really angry if I were you and would have gone nuclear at him a long time ago!

OP, please please do not stay with him. You have no idea what the future might bring (+/-) but you need to move forward with someone who shares your core values.
Luckily I married someone who, far from perfect, had good core values. Our first born turned out to be autistic which left me with no choice but to become a house wife in order to properly care for him. He's 14 and never ever has my DH said anything about me not bringing money to the table. Our house is not immaculate but our two sons are well taken care and my husband can focus on work which involves travelling every week.
I can't imagine how hard it would have been if I would have been with someone stingy who would probably told me to give up on DS and just put him in an institution.

Do drink that wine in Paris one day with someone lovely and generous who makes you feel loved and special. You deserve it!

He's clearly worn you down mentally OP and has you doubting yourself.

Abusive behaviour, really. Sounds like he doesn't actually like or trust women.

I'd get out now.

Give him 2.50 and end it

Because you are a generous person who shares and doesn't see the need to nickel and dime every expenditure. My ex and I used to split things equally and transfer funds over periodically. It was all very clinical. And that was our relationship. Much nicer to be able to give/treat/share and then receive similar thoughtfulness in return.

You've had loads of good advice on here so I won't repeat it but the one thing that stuck out was hiding the butter. Hiding butter! Take a step back and ask yourself how normal that is. You deserve better.
We have separate finances but over the years we've each paid for everything and nothing. He supported me completely to do a masters degree. It's paid off because now I'm the one supporting us both on the salary he enabled me to achieve. If he wants something expensive a new computer he'll ask if it's ok to spend the money but that's as far as it goes. We trust each other. Well, DP has form for hiding chocolate and posh crisps but that says more about me than him. He would never hide butter!

Get rid