Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

My DH buys me flowers every week without fail. AND he gives me pocket money whenever he's been to a cashpoint! (I do the same for him because it's cute!)

All our money is OURS, regardless of who earned it, and neither of us gives a toss about who spends what.

Obviously, we all can have different beliefs and relationship standards, without imposing them on others.... But. Being itemised over £2.50?... Seriously, what the hell. Thats literally one step away from recounting pasta noodles in a pack and billing you on those. Is this what you really want?...

What @brightyellowflower says -

Married for 14 years and whatever I earn and whatever he earns, alll goes into one big pot. That's how it should be. He can earn more because I"ve taken care of the children. The roof needs fixing? Comes out of joint income. Seriously do not understand people who have separate finances at all. What the hell are you supposed to do when the kids need school uniforms for eg?!

THIS. This is how relationships / marriage should be. We don't have kids but it's the exact same for us. DP wouldn't even notice - or care - if I went on a shopping spree in Zara tbh! Not that I would at the moment as we're saving for some house repairs but we both know what we earn and what our bills cost so as long as they're covered and we can save a bit each month, we're each free to do as we please.

I used to work with a woman who, in the 10 years we worked together would never come out for lunch or an after work drink on a Friday in case her husband saw she had spent money and would make her life hell. She wouldn't even draw the cash out of an ATM because he would quiz her as to what she had spent it on. What a horrific way to live.

Ooh @PossumintheHouse and @AmandaHoldensLips raise good points. Although I suspect he'll manage to bring in BOTH, in the same conversation. In which case double points (or drinks).

He thinks he's just being careful.

But I find it very telling that he values "taking care of the pennies" over your happiness.

He's also hoarding his treasure in the belief that you will somehow rip him off. In other words, he thinks very little of you, and values money over you as a person.

He's shown you where his priorities lie.

Absolutely agree. They can all feature on the same bingo card, because he is going to be swinging like a monkey.

OP, when you do get around to this conversation - whether that's next week or next year - please, if you can face it, come back and update us. Wishing you all the best in the meantime.

Also, OP, if you do stay with him by some miracle (please don't), I urge you to truly make it equal. For example, when it comes to meals, troll him to fuck by counting out every single carrot, every meatball, every chip, every pea. Keep your leftovers in a special tuppaware. You bought it, you eat it.

I worked with a woman like that who had to justify every penny she spent her husband. He used to phone her at work and berate her for buying an item she’d not mentioned. This is despite her working g full time and him being a high earner (stockbroker)

Once she bought a jacket in somewhere like principles or Wallis - hardly extortionate- and he made her return it and he then got her a similar (but crappier) one in Primark to save money.

You're right, I think he does think he is just being careful. I don't think the main goal is making me feel worthless and he would probably be confused if he seen this thread as he definitely doesn't think of himself as being a tight arse. Not that it excuses it!

So would he display these behaviours in front of friends and family? Or does he keep it quiet? (Ie he's a bit embarrassed)

Is he the same with his own friends? Does he do rounds?

The problem is that he never treats you or reciprocates. So even if he thinks his way is fine, even the dumbest person could figure out that they're not operating in the same way as their partner. And you HAVE said something and he's got defensive.

Is he that guy who when you go out for a group meal with friends is counting down exactly what he had, to the last penny and never rounds up? Even worse, does he then put his exact £34.65 in and leave everyone else to pick up the tip? We've ALL had THAT friend.

Except remember: I tried to speak to him about it a few months ago and he basically said I was not wanting to pay my own way and freeloading so I didn't actually realise there was a problem. I paid for a night at a fancy hotel last year and he insisted I paid for half of the dinner so I don't know, he makes it seem like obviously that is how we would split things as I'm the one who wanted to go for the night away.

And then of course, there was the time he hid the BUTTER?

And the constant complaints about girlfriends and money?

You might want to write down a list of the crazy things that a) any normal person would let go and/or b) clearly demonstrate he wants to TAKE from you before this conversation.

He's not tight in group situations at all as I think when out for dinner etc, he's probably spending more as he eats a fair bit so he benefits from going halfs etc. He isn't even tight with me in terms of splitting dinners out when we do go halfers other than limiting the wine so I guess it's more he thinks I could spend more on the shopping. I really don't know. He would buy his friends coffees etc, the difference is he makes sure I buy the next coffee but he wouldn't necessarily do that to others.

He's miserly. Time to move on.

he doesn't even like me being generous

This would be a deal-breaker for me alone, even without all his other insane penny-pinching fuckery.

Generosity is a big thing in my family. My dad, in particular, has always put a lot of importance on being first to buy a round, treating people if you can, always having loads of food and drink to offer people etc, and my mum is one of those people like Mrs Doyle in Father Ted who would practically fight you rather than let you pay for a cuppa and a bun in a cafe. Basically, it's always been impressed upon me that you should be as generous as you can afford to be. I could not, in a million years, be happy with someone who saw that as a negative trait.

so you go out for dinner, with or without friends, and he will suggest just splitting the bill.... even though he's eaten more? He absolutely IS that guy. The one everyone else hates.

And when he's out with just you, he ensures that he has at least half of everything. What would happen if you ordered a steak? Would he want you to pay more?

Christ, he is a premium arsehole. So you're the naughty one taking of advantage of him, but his friends!? Never!
This is a form of control and a shitty way for him to squirrel away money so he can have fun with his friends while pretending not to be a miserly git. You don't deserve any of his generosity, though.

Do you remember that thread where a fantastic woman put a big office eater on the spot and made him pay his way?

It was an office dinner and he’d ordered 2 pints of beer, a bottle of wine, all three courses and then expected to everyone who’d only had a main course and no drink to pay some of his share. “Let’s split the bill evenly”.

When he found out he’d have to pay for all his own grub he was mightily pissed off and even said he’ never have orderded all that.

He openly admitted to free loading, the chump.

OP is there a bit of your boyfriend in this man? Happy to eat when others are paying.

it would give me the ick

I actually do remember this thread! I don't see him I that thread surprisingly as he is just not like that in group situations and again not even that obvious with me if we are out and splitting a dinner. It's more subtle with stopping me have an extra drink or whatever but he wouldn't try and eat more if I was paying. He would order the same if I was paying or we split, it's more the actual getting him to even go out for a dinner if he's paying his own.

Another thing my right ex did. On one of my turns to pay for dinner date out, one main meal was bad & the manager said he’d take it off the bill - tightwad partner piped up ‘you don’t have to do that’ - I said ‘as I’m paying for this it’s not your call’ - he actually couldn’t stand it that it was my turn to pay and I was getting a discount. Had it been his turn to pay he’d have bitten his hand off.

He was a nasty cheap twunt, he really was.

I’d just say something the next time he asks for money and say I’m fed up with the penny pinching. I know we’ve done it for years but actually it’s affecting me quite badly and I want it to stop.

It’s making me see you in a negative light. Counting out pennies isn’t what I’m here for. I’m not here to take advantage of you but that’s what you make me feel like. Like I’m going to take you for a ride because one month you paid for one extra bottle of water for me.

Its not about the money, it’s about what it means beyond that.

He sounds tight OP.

he’ll be just the same with kids. It’ll be even worse. Money slips through your fingers so fast.

and tensions run so high about what you need vs don’t need.

and he doesn’t want to go out for dinner at all? Because he doesn’t want to pay but happy to go out when you’re paying.

he sounds odd, very very odd. I could not stay long term.

Jesus, no wonder he has savings. I’m with the Paris poster! Go and have some non penny pinching fun. 😊

OP, the fact that he doesn't do the extreme penny-pinching in a group setting is an even bigger slap in the face rather than a mitigation in his favour. It shows that he can indeed not focus so vehemently on the funds and paying precisely what he sees as his fair share. Why reserve the stingiest behaviour for the person he's meant to love?