Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Yep, you're nothing but a cash cow! You're paying for things because he won't, but he's happy to take it and never reciprocate?! Have you spoken to him about this and why he never pays? Does he have issues with money? As in fear of debt, or in debt?
If it were me, I'd be out of there! I'm a very generous person, but he's clearly a CF and taking the piss out of you! Good luck 🌻

I once had a relationship with the worlds tightest man. More than happy to accept nice gifts but tight as you like regarding spending his own money. Unfortunately the miserly attitude translated into every aspect of our lives and it got to the point where we just wouldn’t do anything unless I paid for it. It’s wearing. He won’t change and if it bothers you then you aren’t a great match.

I've only read your posts so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said but it seems to me it's not just that he's stingy in that he doesn't spend on you, insists on every £2.50 back etc... it's that he's quite happy to TAKE from you too. That's the bit I find so offputting.

I have an old friend who is NOTORIOUS for being extremely stingy. We all take the mick out of him but one thing I will say is that he will never ever accept from others either. So if he's not willing to pay for that expensive bottle of wine, he's not drinking it, even if you pay for it.

[He's better now - his wife got close to divorcing him over the issue. and to be fair to him, he was brought up in a very dysfunctional home so it took a while for him to move past that]

What an utterly miserable life you describe OP.
Completely joyless.
If you can find the bravery to want more than this ugly horror for yourself, please look at counselling to find out why you would have so little love and regard for yourself, and think this is all you deserve from life.

You sound like such a lovely young women it really is heartbreaking to read.

The www.freedomprogramme.co.uk would be a good start, but you need to speak to someone to help figure this all out.

The book "Women who love too much" and "Why does he do that" could help educate you from future abusive relationships, because you ARE in one now in my view.

You deserve so much better than this.

You keep telling us about all the shit he's doing but are you actually going to do anything about it?

Well done for facing up to what’s going on in your relationship, whatever the abuse or unacceptable behaviour is that’s going on so many of us shy away from facing it and somehow normalise it.
It is really hard breaking up even when it’s the right thing but you really do need to end it with him his attitude to money is extreme and no matter what inevitable pleading he does it’s far too deep rooted to change enough to be remotely normal.
Best of luck 💐

@IdLikeToBeAFraser
See I'd think "fair enough" someone is stingy but doesn't take from others. I'd probably assume they were in debt or on a tight budget.

But someone who takes but never reciprocates or who never even wants to pay their own way is a nightmare.

Well I'm not planning to put up with this shit any more so yes, but should I have given him an ultimatum and moved out within 12 hours of posting this with no plans of where to go? I'm realising what's been going on and I'm sure as hell not spending my life like this but it does take longer than a few hours to do anything about it.

Yes, that's what I said isn't it? I mean, we tease my friend, but I respect the fact that he doesn't try to get anyone else to subsidise him.

OP's BF on the other hand is a stingy, grabby wanker.

Why on earth are you with this skinflint?

What is enjoyable about life with him?

It's great that you're realising this now, before you're too engangled with him. I appreciate it's hard. And ignore posters who seem to think you should have had it out with him already and moved out!

People who are tight but happy to let others pay are the worse. I lived with a flatmate in my 20s who was always broke. I felt bad for her so I used to pay for lots of things - a bottle of wine, a take out etc. I didn't have a lot of money, but I figured I obviously had more than her.

As it turned out, she was broke only because she was massively saving. She bought a flat about a year after we moved out. I was so angry. Not that she'd been saving - totally fine - but that she'd been so dishonest with me about it and allowed me to pay for her. If she'd said, "I'm saving really hard os I can't pay for that takeaway" I probably would have paid anyway, but the dishonesty annoyed me.

Of course, this is also the woman who had an absolute EPIC meltdown when we were moving out because I'd been going through the food cupboards and had separated the herbs and spices out for each of us. There was more on one side of the split. She assumed I was keeping that pile and had a complete meltdown about me stealing from her and taking everything. Then didn't even apologise when I pointed out that the "small" pile was all the herbs and spices she doesn't use which I was taking and I'd left the rest (the bigger one) for her.

I am so glad the penny has dropped.

Make sure you take away every single thing you've paid for

OK, bit unfair. I didn't mean it like that and apologies if it came across like that but I just meant what are your plans going forward? You're obviously very unhappy with the situation, rightly so, but I haven't read anything that says what you are going to do i.e. leave? Talk to him again? Give him an ultimatum maybe?

Either way, I'm sure you'll make the right decision

This is NOT normal. AT ALL!!! I paid for everything when i met hubby and now we just spend whatever. We don't track it. We both take £300 each for personal spending. EVERYTHING comes out of joint including a lot of personal stuff too.

Truly mean people won't share but are happy to take, take, take, he was happy with his free holiday but doesn't even buy you dinner on your birthday. He'll never change Op, he won't suddenly wake up and see you're not trying to cheat him and be a better man, he's already trying to dictate what you spend your own money on and that will just get worse.
Go and enjoy your life Op, don't let him make you like him

You sound really sensible OP. It takes a while for one tiny minor thing to make you question everything and then you go back and see everything in a new light. I think you’re doing great and of course you need to make plans and take your time. I think you’re speeding along personally.

Enjoy your new fojnd freedom. When you leave you’ll see other areas of control where he wore you down.

Thank god🙏.
Do it.

We are here for you every step of the way.

Wow, to the not being able to drink a glass of wine until he's finished his. I mean, that is seriously unhinged from him.

I'm glad you're able to see how messed up this is now, as with any unfair/abusive relationship, it does evolve over time - he wouldn't have started out so shitty, because you'd never have accepted it at the start. And then it's the drip, drip, drip away at your boundaries, the shopping, the petrol, the wine, the trips, the presents for your family and suddenly you're in a unequal relationship, all the while he's making out that you're the one who's benefiting.

It's the "foot in the door" technique (there's a well-known study that was done on this interesting bit of psychology by Freedman and Fraser, if anyone is interested), which introduces small concessions and gradually ups them. It works on a majority of people (three quarters in that study, for example, and I'm sure I'd have been among them), so don't beat yourself up. Most of us go into a relationship with trust and an expectation that the person opposite will treat us in the same way that we will treat them. It sad when others take advantage, but that says a lot about them!

Thanks, sorry I probably jumped to being defensive there and took it harsher than you meant. Part of me wants to discuss it and see if we could change how we work finances and obviously would have to discuss long term plans and I would walk away if he doesn't want to change. But the other part of me isn't sure it's even worth it and might be an opportunity for him to manipulate things so I doubt what's going on again so I really don't know at the moment

My ex used to make us put our wine glasses next to each other when pouring so he could make sure we were getting exactly the same.

Genuinely, why are you with this man? He'll just fill your life with more and more misery, drop by drop.

He won't change, I promise you this now. If you try to make it work (even if he agrees to change, which, actually, I can't see happening), you'll just be prolonging your misery.

I dated a man like this for 3 years - it was absolutely joyless and soul destroying. I actually did a calculation for the percentage we should each pay based on our income - it was 60/40 (the lesser my share) he still said it wasn’t fair as ‘he worked harder than me’ . The final straw was shopping for basics after I’d had an operation and he was staying with me - he wanted to separate my (low cost) eggs and bread etc from his fancy lager. He wouldn’t even pay for my cheap basics and I was paying for all the food for his stay, the food he ate waiting for me at hospital and the hospital parking.

He begrudgingly took me away for a night to a hotel once but then said he wasn’t hungry enough to go out for dinner & went out for a kebab while I had a packet of crisps. Utterly grim.

He’d gaslit me so much about ‘modern dating’ that I thought this was all normal.

You will meet someone who adores you and treats you well and you’ll want to do the same back. I’m generous like you and hated feeling I had to match his tightness. It’s an awful way to live.

I’m with a lovely guy now who I can treat well & he does the same for me. You can do it too OP, leave him to his butter & £2.50 and his joyless existence.

This!

Please don't think someone so ugly and abusive can change.
That is just you wasting more time.
This isn't fixable.
He may well say he will adjust a bit to suck you back in, that's what abusive men do.

Can you try an see how controlling he is?
EVERYTHING is about money and screwing you....even how much you eat and drink?

How fxxked up is that.
Eats your food, insists you pay half.
Controls how much alcohol you drink?

How can you not see how absolutely wrong that is.

Look up the "boiled frog analogy"....it will explain how this has crept up upon you.

He is not going to want to let you go.
He has invested so much time and energy in ripping you off and training you to accept SO little, that he is not going to want to start again.

This IS 100% who he is.
He will NEVER change.

He won’t change. He’s too entrenched in his meanness now.

DH and I have always had a joint bank account (married 28 years) and it’s worked out well for us. He has always earned more than me but all money was ours. I don’t understand married couples splitting the bill for a meal, or I’ll buy this one you buy the next.