Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

You weren't defensive. you were perfectly justified.

I will say that I don't see how this will change because you have already tried to talk to him about it if I'm understanding correctrly. I mean, maybe not in a proper sit down way but you've expressed that you think this is ridiculous a few times and he has not responded well on any of those occassions so I am not optimistic.

Of course, to just walk out the door is not practical or easy so I totally get why you want to talk to him. I'd just caution you not to expect miracles and, if he does promise things, make sure you're very clear on what you expect and be prepared to jump on any deviation whatsoever.

how have you tolerated this for 4 years. Please do not buy a property together or have kids. I'd be running a mile unless he's genuinely willing to make changes and have a sensible and fair way to organise finances.

There are some problems that can't be worked through I'm afraid Op because the cause of them is too deeply entrenched. His DM has instilled the idea that money is everything and other people only want him for his money, it's made him distrustful so he's always on guard, always waiting for you to take advantage of him. There's no way to be happy without trust I'm afraid

You're right. I have been reading through my posts as I'm honestly wondering maybe I haven't been honest with what I've said but he has done all of these things and it's not in my head. I also don't think I'd trust that he would change long term even if he does make a change after an ultimatum so what is the point. I'm 30 and want to get married so can't afford to waste more time with a man who would probably make me pay 50/50 for my engagement ring if he ever did propose (as I honestly can't imagine him actually buying me one!)

you won’t change him at best you’ll get some initial improvements before he backslides again.

then you are into argue and the dreaded “nag territory” 😵‍💫

breaking up is the only option

OP I suggest you use that last line to dump him. It's perfect.

Only you can make that decision but you do what's best for you

Now that you've seen who he is you can't unsee it.

You've got the ick...

As you should!

You mentioned in your OP that he has said he does not want to share finances AT ALL as he has more savings. I don't really know how you'll get around that. You can't really be a proper partnership if he never wants to share. I'm glad you're seeing the light now. Good luck with it all. He doesn't deserve you.

I voted YABU but purely for you still being within spitting distance of him. LTB

I tried to speak to him about it a few months ago and he basically said I was not wanting to pay my own way and freeloading

This is from one of your early posts. I'm glad the MN collective has opened your eyes and you're leaving. There's no better way to show him that you're not a freeloader!

OP - You don't have a partner, you have a flat mate. Time to move on.

No, he would probably want you to pay for it and/or sign that if you divorced it would be his. He also woul dprobably only agree to buy something very cheap.

I used to feel like that until I had children and realised that there is no way a relationship can be divied up 50/50 after children. To the OP - speaking from experience take the advice given and run for the hills!

Run for your life! This is bloody awful. What on earth would he do in the future if you had kids together & went on maternity leave?! I’ve had no income for the last 3 months of maternity leave but I am married & we have a joint account. I’m not off buying designer bags but I’m also not scared of buying myself a coffee or doing a food shop without my partner present. He won’t change & being obsessed & consumed by money is a miserable way to live.

firstly yes to this

secondly you can’t just swap the sexes. It’s called motherhood penalty for a reason. And Women without children are still underpaid vs male counterparts.

third this bloke is so tight it wouldn’t matter the sexes op would still be told to run for the hills

I do think you should tell him why, but I would deliver a fate accompli rather than a negotiation for change. He won't change for you. He may not even understand the issue, so how could he change.

Yes this OP. Once children come into the equation it is surprisingly easy to get into this sort of situation if you live with someone who is obsessed with the minutiae of the financial 50/50 and doesn't recognise the bigger picture of a family life and how things will evolve over the years. You could be setting yourself up for a miserable life.

God I got shivers reading your posts - my ex was like this. We went camping once and he went to get bacon rolls from a van, I remember him standing over me holding this bacon roll refusing to give it to me till I gave him £2.50 in cash. When we separated he gave me an itemised list of why he should have more equity, and on it was things like changing lightbulbs - £10, I heated the oven before I cooked food - another £10. For Xmas one year, he got my tampax (because he said he knew I used them) To add insult to that, was that I knew he had got them free from his staff shop. It was so ludicrous but it had become my norm.

please get out while you can. I promise life is so much better than what you are experiencing now!

Oh op I have read quite a bit of this thread and all of your updates.
In your position now I’d be arranging viewings with an estate agent to rent on your own and then going back home and telling him I was leaving and exactly why. He won’t change. It’s who he is, ingrained in him. Do you think even if you have a conversation with him and try to work things through that he’s ever not going to wince if you have more than half the wine? He can now spend his extra money on living by himself - no one else would tolerate this kind of scrooge like behaviour, it’s absolutely dreadful.
My top qualities in a partner is clean teeth, hygienic, can cook, not stingey as fuck.

I wouldn't bother getting into a discussion with him. He'll never change. It's a repulsive trait and speaks volumes about his character . Some of these things you're describing, I wouldn't even treat a stranger like this let alone a partner. Your life will be totally miserable if you stay with him.

WHAT?!?!?!

Jesus Christ.

There are no words.

He got you TAMPONS for Christmas?!?!

You know what I think about when I read these posts - I wonder who these men are with now?! I wonder if they have found someone equally as miserable and tight?

This is hysterical. Contributing equally is not all about finances. How would you expect a woman on maternity leave to contribute equally? By raising the child & avoiding child are costs! I am on maternity leave - currently earning zero. If I had gone back to work, our childcare costs would have been nearly £2000 a month EACH if we split it “50/50”. So funnily enough I do feel that I am entitled to being fed & have a roof provided for me by my spouse. We are a team, partnership & family.

OP this is so controlling :(

Sorry to post again but just a thought Op_ if/ when you leave get your stuff out before telling him you're leaving. I'd not saying he'd steal from you but he might deceide he paid half of everything and want money before you left.