Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

I would leave him @Rockrose94 and tell him why.
That you can’t trust him to cherish not only yourself but future dc.
That he knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
And give him one last gift, a copy of A Christmas Carol with Scrooge’s name crossed out and his written above.

It was probably OPs boyfriend!

OP you are being crushed - CRUSHED! That is all I can say after reading all your posts!

That's controlling, OP

You may wish to look on women's aid website, especially at financial abuse

It's good you can leave your tenancy and pay fir your own accommodation. This gives you more options than many

A word of warning, and I don't wish to alarm you, but you should be aware of this - the two most dangerous times for a woman in an abusive relationship are when she leaves and when she's pregnant

So, if you decide to leave, just do it quietly and quickly

And, don't get drawn in by temporary improvements, he suddenly takes you out / on holiday. This woukd be manipulative, designed to suck you back in

I can think of few things more dreary and depressing than being with someone tight. No spontaneous gifts/flowers/weekends away/‘just because’ gifts? Miserable.

Added to that the miserly penny pinching over every bit of spending. I would have lasted 5 minutes.

Do both. What a mean-spirited miser.

He's not that frugal with all utilities but I don't often put the heating on, I'd just put an extra layer on so I don't really notice that side of things. But I do recall him moaning about me doing too much washing a few years ago. Even though I do all the bedding and towels so the extra washes are shared house stuff. I honestly feel like I must be making him out to be worse than he is as I didn't really think of him as a complete Scrooge, I thought he was just making sure things were fair but I can now see how completely warped this is.

Same here.

My DP is the most generous person I know and it's one of the things I love most about him. We're not wealthy at all so I'm not talking about splashing his cash or buying extravagant items. But he'll always pick the tab up in a bar / restaurant if we go out with friends or family (he will never accept money from them and just always says "you can sort it next time" which rarely happens😂) and he'll buy thoughtful little gifts for people randomly that he thinks they will like (he bought my old next door neighbour a new bird feeder when he saw that the previous one had been damaged in a storm 😭)

For all his sins, my ex was the same too. I just couldn't be attracted to someone tight.

And I don't believe in "men should pay for everything" at all (me and DP split everything 50/50). But anyone (male or female) who is itemising receipts, charging for petrol usage and monitoring how much wine you're drinking is going to live an extremely lonely and miserable life and deserves to be on their own.

""He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal.""

wow! No that is not normal at all. I am married/ children etc now so very much so shared. But I had a long term bf in my early 20s. We used to just 'roughly' split house hold expenses e.g I'd do the food shop he'd buy dinner + night out. Also he was unemployed for a month at one point so I paid food shopping, he then did the following month.

You are in your 30s are children on the cards anytime soon? How does he see maternity leave working financially if you take time out? Does he think the hit on wages will be yours to bear or will he recognise that by being on mat leave ye don't need to pay for childcare

I totally echo what everyone else has said on this thread. This does sound like it's bordering on financial abuse. The fact that he thinks you're trying to rip him off just shows that he doesn't trust you, even after four years. What is a relationship without trust? My DH couldn't believe it when I told him about what your partner is like. It'll only get worse if you have kids. You can't live like this. Please leave him.

Edited to add: The butter!! The bloody butter, I mean who does that?! Not normal at all.

😔your DP sounds lovely. If I paid for a meal for my family or friends with him there, I'd be moaned at for spending too much money etc. like he doesn't even like me being generous! I should add that I am a tight arse with him now as it's grinding me down so I have probably reciprocated the penny pinching but I am not like that with anyone else.

You have no life at all with this man, he is a roommate at best with benefits. He has invested precisely nothing into the relationship. I would leave. You would be happier almost anywhere else op!

He's not helping you be your best self. He'll slowly grind you down over time.

Get out now. Please. Before he drains the life and fun out of you. You're not even 30 yet, don't waste another second on this absolutely horrendous miser.

@Rockrose94 if I knew what part of the country you lived in, I’d get some cardboard boxes and come round and help you pack your stuff!

It's no way to live. And something like that isn't even to do with how much money you have, it's about generosity of spirit.
When I met DH he didn't have much money, but surprised me with a painting he did of the view from a hotel we'd stayed in in Paris. He's since bought me lovely gifts, but that first major gift, when he didn't have much, was so special. We've always split things, even though we have separate bank accounts. We pay an amount into the bills account proportionate to what we have coming in. We always split the cost of childcare, and covered the loss of earnings from maternity leave and when I worked part time. Like others have said, please don't have kids with this awful man.

You're willing to share, he isn't.

You don't need us to tell you that this relationship is doomed to fail.

No wonder the OP's partner has good savings (that he doesn't want her to access) - she is essentially funding them by paying for all the stuff he doesn't consider 'essential' and by also paying half for food that he eats two-thirds of. He's not just miserly, he's freeloading off her, as these types always do.

I haven't read the thread but fuck that right off. My step mother does this to my father and it's painful, and totally pointless, as they've been married thirty years so the finances are mutual anyway. A miserable way to live!

I say this as someone who lives with their partner of 12 years and have independent finances, but we have a joint account for joint spends that we put into every month and use that as we need to, there's no poring over any of it.

This whole thing would be a deal-breaker for me. Could never fancy a man like that. What happens if you lose your job? What happens if you stay together and retire one day? He lives in luxury while you scrimp and save?

If you absolutely want to stay, though, then I'd recommend making some simple changes. There are free apps to track shared expenses (e.g. Splitwise). That way you can pay for groceries and then split the cost 50/50 (or 30/70 if he's eating more!). Or he can pay for your coffee and put the expense in the app.

It would streamline the whole thing and make it feel a bit more normal. The constant back and forth of who owes whom is tracked online and no actual pennies or pounds have to pass between you.

You do know that this is only going to get worse as he ages, don't you?

And that any children you have with him will be subject to the same, if not worse, scrutiny? Expect your 10 year-olds to be "fined" £1 per minute that they are late out of the house for school/outings while the car engine is running. Sweets to be rationed according to how much "capital" they have earned with mindless chores. Taxi rates for driving them to sports clubs and parties. Refusal of lifts for friends due to the "extortionate" cost of petrol... And he will double-down on the nonsense with you. No, you won't be allowed to go to the hairdressers' with their "ridiculous prices" - you can trim your own fringe for free with the kitchen scissors.

This will be your future reality - believe me, I have seen it with one of my friend's husbands. She got out in the end, but it cost her 20 years of misery and a strained relationship with her DDs who got out sooner than she did.

Run fast and don't look back.

Best wishes for the future. x

I'm happy for you that this thread has helped you see the relationship this man has with money isn't normal.
I acknowledge leaving is not something that can be done without thought and planning. It sounds like you have friends to rely on.
You don't have to tell them why you're separating if you don't want to, I'm sure they'll just be glad to help.
🥂 to drinking all of the bottle if you so choose, of a colour of your choosing, with/without a friend of your choosing 🌻

One of the many reasons I am still with my husband 23 years later is we both have the same attitude and respect for each other in relation to money.

Differing views on money is a huge factor in marital breakdown.

What have you done for fun together over the last 4 years ?

You said that you paid for holidays & meals

He has bought you one meal in 4 years !

It doesn't sound like much fun, laughter to me in the honeymoon stages of a relationship ?

Op I'd run.
Is he also the sort who'd happily have other people pay for you but never to return the gesture?

Family & friends become very tired of it. I have a family member who never puts their hand in their pocket.
It all blew up recently on a day out when they expected other people to pay them into an event.
It was something that had slowly been building up for years.