Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Christ. Leave. If you have kids he will penalise you for not contributing during maternity leave or if you have to reduce your hours

Sorry that you are a similar situation, hopefully this thread helps you too! Well yes his family is more affluent and has helped him out financially whereas I come from a single parent household and my mother didn't own her home for much of my life and couldnt help financially as much so he does also use that as an example of me not knowing how to be responsible with money. It does feel like I'm trying to prove that I'm not out to steal from him too actually

Nothing as I have never brought it up! But he will make sure I don't drink any extra wine for example.

Oh interesting. Mine grew up poor and has done very, very well but is constantly comparing our projected net worth (‘you will inherit a house’). But right now I’m a single parent on UC and we go everywhere in my car because he doesn’t want to buy one. My DP is also very generous in bed but there’s more to life than sex and I can’t share mine with someone so harsh in other respects!

Jesus christ. This is beyond joyless.

Presumably you've concluded you have to leave him?

That's funny as it sounds like our backgrounds are reversed as I feel like having come from nothing I am a lot more generous now that I have done well for myself. Same here, it's hard to want to have sex when the rest of the relationship is quite unfair and he acts so unattractively.

That would give me the ick.

Lack of generosity is a right turn off; it’s one of DHs most attractive traits. I could not live like that. I’d leave and tell him why. It’s not normal behaviour once you’re 4 years in and living together to be splitting bills, making sure you have an exact share of wine and hiding butter…hiding butter? Fuck sake. That’s not just being tight or miserly. That’s pathological.

But he will make sure I don't drink any extra wine for example.

Huh? How does he even do this?

I mean, words just fail me at this point..... you are worth so much more. Leave him and look forward to a bright future free from his penny pinching and controlling ways.

I have a weird thing - I love watching the "Peaceful Solitary Living" vlogs on youtube. Women and men in their own quiet, calm spaces, peacefully getting up, making whatever breakfasts they want, going out and buying whatever groceries they want, living their lives at a content, peaceful pace that is to their OWN pace, no one telling them what to do, no one demanding £2.50 back because they're tight misers.

Imagine that kind of life, you know - doing what you want? Spending money how you want? You might be "alone", but don't you love the way that YOU do things, for yourself? You don't NEED him. He's a tight miser who is making you tired.

Please don't spend your life with this man, this is not a loving way to treat your partner, it just isn't. Every post just makes it worse. I don't know how you can look at him let alone live with him and sleep with him. There are no excuses whatsoever for this level of meanness. You will grow to despise him in time so why not get out before that happens.

Well we will pour 2 glasses of wine and if I drink too fast (which is often the case I will admit), I have to wait for him to fibish his to have another glass. Usually I drink rosé wine now as he doesn't like that so we don't share and can drink it as fast or as slow as I like. Btw I haven't realised how fucked that is either until I am now consciously writing it down!!

That is just....pure grim. What a miserable fucker. Oh op - life is so much better than this. You've wasted four whole years of your life on this guy.

Go live peacefully on your own. Drink as much sodding wine as you want! Imagine that! Spend your own money on what YOU want! With no one dragging you down into the souless grey depths of misery.

My brother's partner was like this. They once came round for Sunday dinner, and while we were eating she reminded him that he owed her £1.23 from the food shopping they'd done the previous day.....was a bit awkward....
It's not an attractive trait....

even though he will cook a nice dinner he would then ask for half the money

You. Are. Kidding. Me.

I'm assuming you have a sexless relationship because there is no way on this planet that any woman would get turned on by this awful creature.

Anyway, as every single other poster has said, get rid. Do not waste another second of your life on this miserable fun sponge.

Or, if you don't want to do that, I would not spend a single penny of my money on him. Go for meals / to the theatre / for weekends away with your friends or family. Get your own car (or use public transport and don't ask him for lifts). Tell him you're both going to do your own food shopping now as it's depressing you having to itemise every single receipt. Although it'll be an utterly miserable way to live with a partner, at least you're not feeling guilty about spending an extra £1.50 at Tesco or working out half the petrol cost for him to drop you off at work 🙄

Mine used to say " he's so tight, he squeaks when he walks!"

@Rockrose94 Fuck me, I feel stressed just reading this. Get out of this shitty relationship. I cannot believe that he actually made sure the waiter gave him more wine so that he got his perceived fair share. Absolutely and shamefully embarrassing. You are worth so very much more.

Aw love the fact your buying wine he doesn't like so you can have abit of control over it suggests this is running a tad deeper than money... he's a manipulating control freak who thinks you are after he's money and that he's above you because of he's background when you leave he's going to think you've left because he didn't let you in on the family dosh. He's absolutely vile by the sounds of it please leave

Thank goodness you posted. This is mumsnet at its very best. Find a flat, secure the rental and organise removals before you even tell him and then move out. When you are in your new place me and all the other amazing mumsnetters on this thread will bring bucket loads of rose that we will drink really quickly (or slowly, but it will be our choice?) and toast to the amazing fact that you did not marry or have a child with this man. You’ve got this OP!

OP, I think all of the responses have made you realise that his behaviour is not normal and is extremely tight.

As PP have said, what on earth will happen if you have DC and aren't working? This is the type of man who will still expect you to pay 50/50 for everything. He will have money to spare and you will have none. There are enough threads on MN about women in those situations to read how it ends up for them.

It is time to end this, and don't listen to any of his crap, because financially and emotionally, you just aren't compatible.

I think when you leave him, you should add up all the extra you've spent on trips away, and nights out, and present him with the bill. It would be no more ridiculous than quibbling over £2.50

@Rockrose94

In my house, if we go out for a birthday meal, the joint account pays for it. And we don't make a big deal of our wedding anniversary. So, I don't think these are big deals

To be compatible financially, people need to be on the same page. It's about attitudes to money, rather than how much you earn / have eg on holiday, we walk everywhere and self cater. I have friends on lower salaries who would choose to take taxis and go out for dinner. That's fine, each to their own

But, demanding £2.50 from the weekly shop? I wonder what the reasoning is. I wonder if he has historic poverty in his family. On one side of our family, they had to seriously tighten their belts in the 1930s and I think it has shaped family attitudes to spending ever since eg grandparents raised in relative poverty, which influenced their parenting decisions to their younger family members etc. We are aware of this and occasionally remind each other that yes we can actually treat ourselves, although our first instinct is quite frugal and we're comfortable with that

As students, I recall bill splitting in a way that seems parsimonious now, but was fair and sensible at that time

So, it might be worth exploring if poverty is a factor, as you might be able to work with that.
Or, perhaps your BF is just mean spirited? A big clue is whether he spends lots of money on his own interests, clothes etc. If so, throw him back into the sea

Bloody hell, OP. That's horrendous and extremely unusual behaviour towards a partner who you love and share a home with.

I could not be with someone like this.

Generosity is an important trait to me in a partner, both in terms of material things and generosity of spirit.

It is important (to me) that people extend themselves outwards, offering time, attention and yes material things to others. It's a sign of love and empathy.

It sounds like you are a person who does this (e.g. taking him on holiday etc) and you will never be happy with someone who doesn't reciprocate, because you won't understand the lack of empathy.

Fucking hell that’s an absolute deal breaker - that’s not even about being tight, that’s controlling behaviour.

Honestly OP this is so far removed from normal. Please read your own posts and walk away from this idiot

I bet it always works in his favour. He's always the one who ends up with the better end of the deal.

What's he like with utilities? Are you allowed to bath /shower when you want or put the heating on?

I knew someone who drew lines on the milk bottle with the daily allowed usage.

I couldn't live with someone who spent time going through the food shop for the sake of £2.50.

He's the type of prick that would think you should still pay 50/50 while you're on maternity leave. He'll think you should pay out of your savings because he isn't keeping you. But when you go back to work will refuse to pay 50% because why should he pay do you can work.

Fuck that.

Completely agree.

My partner's dad did this once at dinner. The server started pouring wine (which I was looking forward to drinking) but he covered his glass and said "I'll pour it, thanks".

Then he just left the on the table for ages until the food came (we were just sat there looking at it), and then meticulously poured everyone the exact same amount of wine.

He kept an eye on everyone's glasses and you could tell he was being really pedantic about making sure everyone had the same.

It was incredibly unpleasant and off putting.

I just can't stand mean-spirited people. If you need more wine then you just order more wine ffs.