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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being so tight with money?

984 replies

Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 21:31

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

OP posts:
WillLiveLife · 09/07/2024 08:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at user request.

LizzeyBenett · 09/07/2024 08:08

Oh god I couldn't live like that , so you never do anything together because he is so tight run away imagine if you had kids and trying to navigate the mine field. My DH and I have a joint account for our mortgage and bills and just spilt the food shop 50/50. But we do nice things ha for each other just because , I buy him his nice whole bean coffee every now and again if I see it's running out , he sends me money every now and again to help with my car loan if he knows it's been a tight month )he earns more but it's little things like that and just being thoughtful l. I couldnt live counting every penny and not enjoying each other because you know you will have to pay .

Comedycook · 09/07/2024 08:09

You sound like a generous person op. You deserve the same in a partner

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 09/07/2024 08:13

Sorry @Rockrose94 I have only read all of your posts and a few of the others, so if I am repeating something please just ignore me!

If you don't leave this living together arrangement (apologies but I just can't call it a partnership) immediately, can you please put your portions of the same shared meals on to two of your dinner plates, and then weight them before you eat them. They need to weigh exactly the same, and if not then the one with more on their plate should pay proportionally more for their dinner. After that, if you can't finish all of your dinner, weigh your plate again, if he then eats the rest of yours you need to charge him for his "extra" portion!

I do hope that you can move out and end this awful relationship very quickly OP, and I wish you loads of luck and happiness in your future xx

InSpainTheRain · 09/07/2024 08:14

Gosh OP I couldn't live like that, its not a functional healthy relationship is it. He's not going to get better, probably he'll get tighter. It sounds like it stems from his mum from what you say. I think you need to find some who is more generous and a true partner. Do not have kids with him!

LoveWine123 · 09/07/2024 08:14

It will be interesting what he will do when you tell him you are leaving and he realises he has to pay rent on his own…be careful that he doesn’t make you believe you owe him a few months rent going forward because you are the one leaving. He sounds manipulative and has already made you believe that the way you live is normal. It is really really not. Just give him the one month’s notice when you are ready and move Out. You will see how much nicer life can be without this batshittery.

Riversideandrelax · 09/07/2024 08:16

I would hate that. It's not normal.

Oldster1933 · 09/07/2024 08:23

Would not want to be with someone as tight fisted as that. Time to move on. Good luck. 👍

Dery · 09/07/2024 08:25

@Rockrose94 - as PP have said: he needs to be consigned to history. This is not normal behaviour and he would be an absolute nightmare to parent with. If he says he loves you, that just shows that words are cheap. His actions are not loving. Sounds like his mum may have damaged him with messaging that everyone is out to fleece him, but his sister has been able to rise above that. The fact you’re losing interest in him and no longer have any real desire for him are great signs - it’s you reacting to him making you feel worthless. I hope you feel able to end this and walk away.

Linearforeignbody · 09/07/2024 08:32

He’s not “the one”.
Can you see yourself married to him? Buying a home together? Having children together? All of that requires huge JOINT financial decisions.
He sounds like a nightmare.

FetchezLaVache · 09/07/2024 08:33

I had an ex like this. We went on holiday once, he started a spreadsheet and logged every expense. He then worked out that I had spent £6 more on the holiday than he had and solemnly handed me three pound coins. I just looked at them in my hand and thought, why the fuck do I want reimbursing three quid when we're supposed to be together for life?

On the downside - and why I am very much on Team Run For The Hills - is that when I had a run of bad luck and ended up having to do a min wage job to tide me over, while he got a promotion and earned four times what I did, he still expected everything to be split 50/50, even though this left me with no money three weeks into the month. When I begged him to let me off my share of the utility bills for three months, he said "I don't work as hard as I do to subsidise you". And that's the mindset. For the love of God, throw this one back.

TheAlchemy · 09/07/2024 08:36

Jesus Christ my vagina would be as dry as the Sahara for this guy. Just exactly what is it about him that’s kept you attracted to him for 4 years. I suspect you’ve rather stuck around out of convenience. If that is the case get out now before you’re any further entangled in his misery.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 09/07/2024 08:38

I'm amazed you can find him attractive. A man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

ZenNudist · 09/07/2024 08:43

Ditch him. Tight wads don't change. It must be fairly miserable now and will only get worse.

Livinghappy · 09/07/2024 08:44

as he has had me convinced that I've been the tight one or reckless with money

This doesn't happen immediately as it's a slow process - boiled frog analogy. Don't beat yourself up..my theory is that some people are just more trusting/less cynical/open hearted and assume everyone has similar values.

DancingLions · 09/07/2024 08:44

You sound lovely OP and you can do so much better.

The biggest thing a partner should bring to our lives is joy. Otherwise, what's the point? He sucks the joy from your life. So any "good" points he has are irrelevant. As, I think you are starting to realise.

I hope you do leave him and find joy in your life again. You deserve it.

BashfulClam · 09/07/2024 08:44

You pay for the car? Does he benefit from that by driving it or having lifts. If so tell him you’ll take £2.50 off the petrol he used.

Seymour5 · 09/07/2024 08:44

Although we’ve always just shared our money, very long term married, with lots of financial ups and downs, I understand why younger couples have different financial arrangements. I know my adult DC and their partners do, but not to the point of quibbling about a few ££!

The point of a living together, loving relationship is to look after one another if and when necessary, isn’t it? Your situation makes me feel quite sad OP.

6pence · 09/07/2024 08:49

Would laying your cards on the table be worth it? Would he take notice when you say you are on the point of leaving him because of it? And that x,y and z must happen if he wants to keep you?

Only if he has other redeeming qualities of course!

6pence · 09/07/2024 08:51

Or let him read the thread to drive it home.

Uricon2 · 09/07/2024 08:54

OP, he is a selfish miser who is quite happy to be protective of "his" money while you spend yours on him. It is a very unattractive trait and unlikely to improve. Do you want to spend the next 40 years like this?

If you aren't ready to leave yet, as a bare minimum I would now treat shopping like a very defined house share where you buy your own and there is no sharing at all. It might make him think but I doubt it and really, you should move on from Ebenezer.

Starlight1979 · 09/07/2024 08:55

It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

No.

Giftsnatch · 09/07/2024 08:57

Oh OP. I’m glad you’re on here and getting the right advice and support! I’m trying to get my head round something similar (though not as pronounced). May I ask if you’re from different backgrounds economically? We are and it’s being used to try to shut me up. The only way I can demonstrate I’m not trying to steal from DP is just to leave him, at this point.

letsgoooo · 09/07/2024 08:57

Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 21:46

The £2.50 tonight was an eye opener and he still wouldn't let it go, he asked what every item on the receipt was so he didn't pay for any of my things but eats a huge amount more of the stuff we do share! Also we earn well, it's not like he is watching every penny. The reason I end up paying for us both to go out is really as that's the only way we would go anywhere. All the above points are noted. It's really turning me off of him and sadly it is making me very stingy too in return.

Ew. And what does he say to justify going halves when he eats more than you?

Allthehorsesintheworld · 09/07/2024 08:57

4 years? Enough. Time to dump, he’ll never improve.
The £2.50 issue sounds like resents you somehow.