Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

God just reminded me when on holiday he made me give him the last of the wine as the waiter had topped me up more apparently... But he had eaten his full main and half of mine as I wasn't hungry. Argh!

My ex was like this.

He hated me spending money on myself as in hair, nails, clothes and would kick off. So I stopped just to keep the peace. Then my self esteem began disappearing and I felt ugly, no one else would want me, became trapped.

He cried one time because a pound missed the toll booth so he had to put another pound in.

If we went food shopping he wouldn't let me put anything in the basket that wasn't on our list or if I'd not told him I wanted it before we went into the shop.

He wore the same white t shirt greyed with age for years.

I eventually finished with him.

Because, many times, until it's all written out, read and commented on by others, is it possible to be as if you are outside, looking in, and be able to see the true picture.

Plus, honestly, what he is doing to you is called "mind-fucking". He messes with your head and makes you doubt yourself, so, little by little, he starts to sound reasonable. Basically gaslighting you, making you feel that you must be crazy if you think he is wrong.

I am very happy for you that the veil has lifted, and you see him for what he really and truly is. Don't let him mess with your head any longer. Come here and reread the thread whenever you doubt yourself. 99% of the votes show that YOU are not the one who has destroyed the relationship. He did.

£2.50?! I’d happily give him £2.50 towards his obviously much-needed therapy. He sounds miserly and utterly insufferable. I would run away so fast I’d do at least £2.50 worth of damage to my shoes

He's incapable of being a team player.

Lack of generosity to the one whom you love is the most unattractive and unappealing quality- and when it extends this far is quite repulsive!

Omfg count yourself lucky that you can easily get out of this. Leave the bastard and don’t look back. This is about so much more than money. You deserve way better.

That sounds so mean. You're missing out on life apart from anything else.

Move on!

Well I guess as offering to take him out would make me reckless with money and then when I quibble about the £2.50 for example I am tight 😂

OP there is no future here. He doesn't see your family as his own and you are an extension of your family. It's not about presents or cost of them, it's how he views things to be divided between you including your family. What would happen if your family member got unwell and you couldn't be around to visit, would he go instead of you. Would he care for them if you couldn't? Would he ask you for the 20p petrol or bus fare he used to get there to see YOUR family! As you get older, all these things matter more. Your own health can decline or you might have a family and can't work etc.

It must be hard seeing all these responses. Be kind to yourself.

Leave him. It will only get worse and if you have children it will be a disaster. I lived with a bloke like that. If I took OUR children out for the day he wouldn't contribute financially because "it was your idea to take them"

Dump, move on. This is selfish behaviour and you are meant to be sharing your life, but can't even share a food shop, red flag waving high on this supposed relationship!

I hope you are already making plans to leave
but for the remaining time how about you insist on things being share 50/50 eg when he goes to eat more than 50% of food take it off him - explain that you have paid exactly half so you will be eating exactly half/using exactly half of any products - pack up leftovers for lunch, theatrically deal meals out equally to the last pea. And if he complains accuse him of trying to cheat you/gain at your expense - that hes screwing you over, eating more than his share when hes only paid for half, and demand that your food shop payments alter so you only pay 1/3 to his 2/3 to represent usage. Petty as fuck but amusing

Oh please … get rid of this tightwad

Talk is cheap. In fact it is free.

End this. He is not treating you as an equal and any relationship where you are not equal is shite.

He's a miserable run for the hills he has more savings than you because you are paying for nice things not him

Just to give an example of how it works nna more healthy relationship, and im not saying I'm perfect, DH and I both earn similar amounts of money, I pay the mortgage and him the bills which are apx equal amounts ( small mortgage) we then put a sum of money each month into a PayPal account which we use for food and communal expenses and take out what we've spent but don't really police the other.

On top of this if we go out for a drink or meal we generally take it in turns to pay so one one time one the next but there won't be any calculators totting it to the penny.

Sometimes we'll engage in random acts of generosity, eg he started a new job so I bought him a portable coffee cup, I saw a marked down hamper in John lewis with his favorite fudge in so I bought that for us to share ( he had the fudge though as I don't like it)
The other week my favorite beer was on offer so he bought me a pack, with no expectation of recompense.

I think random gifts like this can really bring joy to a relationship. I'd hate to be with someone where this wasn't an option.

If you stay with this man who doesn't value you at all you must stop spending money on him it's disgusting I don't understand how you can find him sexually attractive.

A mean man won't make you happy. My brother is similar to your partner. His girlfriend had enough and left him after they had children, because of his meanness. She felt vulnerable on less money and he wouldnt help out financially. She's very happy now as a single parent. He won't be a good father and he'll be unsupportive during maternity leave, when you get paid less. Honestly you deserve so much better.

OP, I'm joining the "this is not a man you want to be with long-term" chorus. But I would also suggest a little bit of revenge before you leave him. Stop buying food together, and let him see what happens when he has to pay for all of his food, rather than get you to subsidise his larger appetite. Don't go out with him anymore, or go to places where you order for yourself at the bar and ask for whatever you don't eat to be packaged up to go. Give him a dose of his own medicine and do not spend a single penny on him, and watch him squirm for a bit before you dump him.

On a less serious note, as someone said up thread he's so tight if you put a lump of coal up his arse you'd probably get a diamond back 2 weeks later.

So OP doesn't have to worry about money she can just mine diamonds from him.

I'd be so tempted to do this. He sounds worse every time you post, OP.

Gross, I’m cringing just reading that. You’re in for a life of misery if you stick with Scrooge. Just dump him for someone who doesn’t hassle you over £2.50.

I can't be the only one that is imagining him with a little purse that he bought from a charity shop and it has sections for one and two pound coins. : )

Buy him a leaving present of a wallet that is stitched up and cannot be opened.