Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Just to add OP , your partner loves money more than you
He will not change

It may not be obvious abuse, but he's robbing you of a life of joy and happiness. Of experiences and pleasures both given and received. He loves money above everything and everyone.

I had an ex like this. After every trip to the supermarket he’d get out the calculator to work out exactly who ‘owed’ who to the penny, he’d invite me out for dinner or on a date and then need to itemise bills and split between us exactly what we’d had (I have no issue paying my way but this was extreme bill splitting). I earned a lot less than him but paid half for everything, including costs like decorating his flat (I moved in too quickly, it was always his flat and I had no financial interest in it at all). If I said I couldn’t afford to do something expensive with him and his friends (we socialised with them more regularly, he didn’t like my friends and his friends all earned more money than me) but then did something in the same week/month with my friends or just for me (even something that had been booked in for months) he’d say things like ‘I thought you said you didn’t have any money’ and make me feel guilty for ‘not wanting to spend time with him’. He eventually became controlling in other areas, who I spent time with, the job I changed to (I hadn’t consulted him before applying), the fact I started doing some volunteering a couple of times a week (I wouldn’t have any free time for him). He was mean with compliments, he started withdrawing affection and sex. He eroded my self esteem over the few years we were together to the point I thought his behaviour was normal. He became abusive in other ways.

OP, how generous someone is with money is very indicative of how they approach a relationship and how they see you. I’m now with a lovely, kind man who is generous with his time, his affection, money (even though he earns less than me - it’s never been an issue in this relationship) and he’s the best father and partner I could have asked for. You deserve more and I think you realise it, which is why it’s starting to niggle at you. It won’t get any better, I think you should seriously consider what a future with this man looks like.

OP your thread has brought up memories of my extremely mean ex who I was with for the same amount of time. My self esteem must have been so low to have accepted his unpleasant and controlling behaviour. My girlfriends would howl at the stories. I wish I'd got out sooner. He'll never get someone else who's been as good to him as you! Let that be your revenge. That comment about him being visited by three ghosts is hilarious! But your boyfriend will never change. His needs will always take priority over yours xx

Lucky you: he showed you who he is before starting a family so that you can get out without collateral damage to your future children. GET OUT NOW!!!!!

Yuck, what a turn off. Not normal at all.
There are lots of men out there who will treat you better.
Imagine having kids with this guy. “Erm, you owe me £1.50 for nappies”
Run for the hills. And, remember that you don’t need his understanding or permission to end it. It doesn’t matter if he blames you or tries to gaslight you. You don’t even have to go into it, just say you don’t love him anymore. Freedom is what matters!

Well that dried me right up. He sounds like a complete bore. I'd be running before I found myself pregnant as I doubt he will go 50/50 on a child.

I'm genuinely so shocked at all these responses as he has had me convinced that I've been the tight one or reckless with money. I just keep thinking of more examples like telling me this year that he wasnt splitting my family's Christmas presents as they don't buy him much but his family buy me "proper" Christmas presents so I continued to split their presents and lay all of my family's. He is not tight in every single aspect of life but I'm not willing to put up with this shit for the rest of my life and as many replies say, things will be worse if we actually have kids or buy a house etc. Why on earth have I not realised how bad this is!

He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this

No way I could live with that, life is too short.

Have you asked him how things would work financially if you have kids? His answer would likely be the final nail on the coffin

This all sounds very miserable tbh. When we were dating DH and I split the first few dinner bulls evenly and then he would grab the bill and pay so I would buy him the odd expensive gift to even it up. When I move in I’d do a food shop or grab some bills to pay etc. it’s never made much of a difference. We still share everything, theres no difference, it’s all ours.

I've. Got the ick just from reading this.
Leave him. Generosity is one of the nicest traits imo

I agree there is a double standard generally.

Do you really think if a woman came on here saying ‘I spent an extra £2.50 on my OH so I asked him to reimburse me’ everyone would be saying ‘yeah, too right! Don’t let him take advantage!’?

Why spend the rest of your life with this miserly git?

Do you still see your group of friends together or do you see any on your own?
This sounds quite isolating.

How many months left on the rental contract? Can you start getting organised to make a break?

Pay up the £2.50 quick OP, before he adds interest 😂 seriously though, what a miserable way to live, life is way too short.

Not as close to the joint group of friends now but I still see my own friends separately as I had gotten fed up of staying in all the time. The rental contract is 1 months notice so not too difficult and I could afford to rent myself so have options.

In that case I'd be moving out today! And if he says you owe him for anything tell him not half as much as he owes you!

Please update us when you have ended this ‘relationship.’ What a turn off.

Really really this is no way to live. You two must spend your lives sorting out who owes what. Money must rule everything.

My DH is the most generous man imaginable, that is why we have been married for decades and after all these years nothing has changed, he is still like it. For instance, we have just been on holiday and he used notes and cash a bit more abroad and every time he broke into a note, he just gave me all the change until my bag was weighed down with coins and I bought lunch with it!

I am generous too and two generous people together is a match made in heaven. I had a boyfriend like yours once. It was hell. Every time we met I knew he was on edge, because he wanted to say... oh by the way you owe me £3.27 or whatever. He would almost be jumping from foot to foot in the desperation to ask me for what I owed him. At one point I gave him a 'float' like £20 and told him to stop asking me for all these stupid amounts. That satisfied him till the £20 ran out! Because he would be keeping a tally of the most stupid things, completely false, because I was forever just treating him without thought so I never really owed him these pathetic amounts. It's a total passion killer, I went right off him.

Ditch this tight wad and found yourself a generous man

He is saying you owe him £2.50!!!!! When you have taken him on holiday and bought him meals in the past!!!! Been together 4 years. How can you still be attracted to this man?

Get out now. I dated a man like this and honestly it becomes repulsive. I remember him getting his phone calculator out once at a restaurant (even though we both had the same pizza each and shared a bottle of wine). He said he had been “watching the tide line” on the wine throughout and calculated I’d had an extra glass and wanted to price up 60 / 40 % instead. Vomit.
Misers never change as money values have been built up over a lifetime of tightness. They will be ungenerous in other ways. Leave now.

Oh please get rid OP. What a miserable life you'll lead staying with this man.

he has had me convinced that I've been the tight one or reckless with money.

Can you even be both?!

Yes, I know someone who had a partner like this, he used her to accrue money, when they split up he had a big wad to put down on a large property in an upscale area.