How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

@Alwaystimeforacupoftea

how old are your ‘children’?

These days we occasionally pay, sometimes split and more often our daughters pay. I wasn't keen on letting our daughters pay, they have children and mortgage etc but DH says to let it go as its a sign of the changing dynamic of them growing up and being adults and us coming to terms with it. I rationalise it a bit in that we don't expect anything for looking after the grandchildren as we love having them.

It may not have occurred to them that it was time to pay their way with mum but really they should be looking to pay for you.

If you can afford it I don’t understand why you wouldn’t.

I will pay for my DC as long as I can, my parents always paid for me and their parents for them.

@Oldcroneandthreewitches I say 'I'll get this' and make a move, then she always firmly says no and so does her husband. I think it's rude to persist. Her pleasure in life is to bring us things, she brings things every week for her grandchildren even though they are over 18 (imagine that!) like little things they will eat, books they might like, she can't help it, she just loves sharing stuff.

I think it's fine to arrange finances completely differently than ours. I don't think it's intrinsically wrong though to do the 'parents pay' thing and that's our way.

@LuckySantangelo35 my children are uni age. Both worked jobs since 14, for their own spending money. I don't want them to spend any on me though.

I honestly think Op that some people on here think that if you can’t go and pay for everyone and everything than you shouldn’t be going on this trip.

I second suggesting a kitty for all the meals out, providing you dont have anyone who is a big drinker. When my parents and I go on holiday, we agree to put money in for food and alcohol is in individual expense (we dont drink, they are big drinkers). They normally pay for the last dinner out, and we normally pick the, up a lunch out.

TBH i dont like the dynamic of my parents paying for me, it makes me feel like they are still the ones in charge. I am 41, and can pay my own way and be just as generous back.

I'm 40 and my mum and dad still pay for us at dinner, this is even when we all start fighting for the bill. I will be exactly the same with my kids. What ever I can afford I will do. If you can afford to pay why does it bother you ? I can see why it bothers your other half he's not their dad but as a mum I really don't get ppl who get so worked up at paying for their adult kids. I agree with @Seashor Don't go all out and and start sending them messages saying they need to pay their way.. it's no rude they probably plan on this anyway just mention a kitty instead it's much more polite.

Just tell them that meals out are to be shared from now on simples

It’s embarrassing leeching of elderly parents. Maybe they feel they have to pay so youll keep spending time with them

Why does it matter if parents pay for their kids ... why does it bother you ?

She says she can afford it! That doesn't mean she has to pay, but it isn't privileged to assume that someone who says they can afford something can!

I think the OP should raise the issue, once there!

If you want a certain family dynamic around money, you have to speak up and establish it.

I'm happy with ours, but others might want something quite different, I also agree the flights to NZ are expensive and sensible adult children would realise that and be planning to cook some lovely meals and do trips out for the parents.

Everyone’s financial circumstances are different, and it’s fine just to say ‘hey guys, let’s split the bill this time, if that’s okay.’ (Assuming you haven’t chosen to book L’Enclume or similar.)

My parents and parents in law have always paid for us. I will always pay for my own kids. I love treating them, and as adults they’ll have more than enough bills to worry about. It’s not about being immature, or disrespectful. It’s just how things are done in our families (and we’d never, ever split a bill, that would be seen as peculiar.)

DH did once pay when we were out with DMIL. There was practically a wrestling match over the bill, she gave in and made him promise never to try it again.

I’d be upfront and say that now they’re working adults, earning a decent wage you expect them to pitch in with the cost.

The entitlement on here reminds me of the time I took my Mum to the tip with me. (We were on the way somewhere, not a treat for her)
There was a notice saying 'Children must remain in the vehicle'
Right Mum, get that carpet on your 90 year old back.
(She would have, too.)

My thoughts exactly, and such negative connotations.

@adultkidsquestion just tell them it's time to start splitting the bills when you go out. You could say it before you go or when you get there but you need to say it.

You must prepare them in advance for this though! It would be really unfair to spring this on them when you're there. Especially if they have gone expecting you guys to pay for everything.

Maybe suggest to them that you all download the Splitwise app before you go so that you can log all costs while away, with a view to splitting the cost evenly.

It's interesting, that a lot of people who would pay for their adult kids indefinitely, used to be treated a lot by their own parents.

This is not the case, for me or DH though. I left home 34 years ago, and in all that time, I think my parents probably treated me a handful of times.

DH's parents are millionaires, and have never once offered to pick up the tab - the bill is always split down the middle. Even when we have travelled abroad to see them, at our own expense. Moreover, when staying with them, no food or drink is provided. Every meal is at a restaurant, and if we want snacks or wine at their house, we have to go the supermarket and buy our own.

So it's not a case of paying it forward with us. Not that that matters really.

My son is still a student and buys me the odd meal out to thank me for various things, so you are absolutely not being unreasonable if they are full-fledged earning adults. It's a good time to change the dynamic.

My son always pays for me now. He is 51. I paid a lot for his education and for a property which he now has v. large mortgage on as had to give half value to EW. He has 2 DC and is quite extravagant. It will only be once or twice a year.

My DH and I are mid thirties. Until we got our first proper post uni jobs (at 25) both sets of parents always paid for everything.

Now, when we go out with his parents they always pay, however, that is because (a) they are loaded (b) we only go out with them rarely, they prefer to eat at home so it’s usually an occasion with his siblings and partners and so splitting gets complicated - we’d happily do it if anyone suggested it though.

When we go out with my parents we tend to alternate who pays. I’d guess we pay more often when they have travelled to us as they’ll have paid petrol or train tickets, and the opposite when we travel to them.

When we went on holiday with my parents, our daughter, my sister and her son we split things so adults counted as one and kids as 0.5 - we split things in 6, my parents paid 2, me and DH paid 2.5 and DSis paid 1.5, alcohol was separate to that and we all just paid as we went along as some people drank a lot more than others - unless we were getting a bottle for the table and everyone joined in. I wouldn’t bother with that level of hassle day to day but when you’re on holiday and costs are adding up it’s the fairest way to do it. My parents and me and DH have more money than DSis so sometimes we treated everyone to more expensive things but that’s at our discretion.

Whatever you do definitely have a discussion before hand rather than dumping the bill on someone unexpectedly: you have to give them the option of how to split so if they are feeling the pinch they can just order the cheapest thing and pay for their own if need be.

Be upfront and tell me each to pay their own share of the bill, nowt wrong with that surely.