How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

@MiddleagedBeachbum

why?! Let them treat you, I’m sure you deserve it!

So no one treats your mum? Dont you think that’s a bit sad?

Why are you being personal?
I have no idea why people get personal and unpleasant. Just discuss the issue.
You know absolutely nothing about me.

Since you've paid for years I think you need to have a conversation in advance. They will obviously expect you to do what you've always done so getting there and saying shall we split the bill will be a big surprise for them.

rightly or wrongly, entitled or not, should or should not blah blah blah - all irrelevant when we are talking realistically about the fact people generally expect things to be how they've always been unless they're told it's going to change.

So talk to them. Tell them that you're having to cut back a bit nowadays and are going to have to have separate cheques in future when you eat out together.

Unless you raised entitled nightmares, they'll likely go oh god yes of course, so sorry that we never offered, are you ok, how can we help...

FyodorDForever · Today 12:28
gardenmusic · Today 10:48
MiddleagedBeachbum · Today 10:30
If I could afford it I’d always pay for
my children

They are not children. They are working adults

Even as a working adult, you are still your parent’s child.
My parents never stopped paying for me and my sister, even though we are in our 40s and married with kids.
Of course we sometimes invite them / insist to get the bill, but the default is them paying. My mum even tries to pay for my train ticket when I visit them (I decline obviously).

I would die of shame if I let two elderly people pay for me.
Being a parent does not mean paying for your adult children all their lives.

I would go with this suggestion, unless one (or both) of your adult kids is a 'furry' as they may take the phrase 'should we kitty up' as a suggestion that the whole group should be wearing their cat outfits!

That's a good idea. We often go away with my I laws abd we just have a kitty for things like meals out abd grocery shopping. It saves trying to work out bills at the restaurant. Everyone puts in a few hundred pounds and we top up the kitty as and when needed.

It absolutely clearly does bring my dad, in particular, some pleasure and pride to pay. Mum is more pragmatic about it and I manage to win the race to put down the debit card quicker when it's just me and her! As I said, I always offer to pay.

Definitely bring it up in advance, as if you have always paid, they are unlikely to have budgeted to (whether that’s right or not!). That gives them time to sort their finances out if necessary.

My parents paid for me until we were doing very well financially. Once we were in our current position, we always pay although my dad will sometimes refuse. I can’t imagine my husband EVER allowing our daughter to pay. I think he imagines funding her forever (she’s still only a tween before anyone jumps on me, this is definitely his perception not hers!).

We will certainly pay for as long as we are able, regardless of her future earnings. However that’s our choice and if you don’t want to, you’ve certainly done enough.

It's a bit short notice to suddenly decide this for this summer. They are adults, you won't be privy to all their outgoings. I'd raise it this year for next.

I really don't think that was at all personal, or at least not derogatory. Genuinely, you mist lead a privileged life (and why not?) if you cant see that not everyone can afford to just treat indefinitely or without boundaries.

@Oldcroneandthreewitches not at all, my mum was treated in her time, and she's financially able to treat her children in turn. It's just a different way of arranging finances. When she had less money we didn't go anywhere to eat out much. I don't decide where to go or how much to spend- she offers, we accept, she always makes it clear it's her treat.

In this instance, I think it's different as the cost of flights to NZ is very high and the time for going out is long- that's very different from the odd meal out, although we do eat takeaways or eat out a lot, I treat my family quite a bit too, probably twice a week.

Have you ever seen the sketch from Father Ted where Mrs Doyle and her friend start arguing over who should pay the bill and end up rolling on the floor fighting? It's kind of like that in our family...

I live away from family and when they visit me I always try to pay the majority of meals because they have paid so much to travel to me. Hopefully your DD sees it the same way!

Love this approach. And yes say it beforehand.

Being a parent does not mean paying for your adult children all their lives I'm happy to do so! I spend most of my money on making sure my children have the food they like, the clothes they want to wear, and the meals out we all enjoy together. This is what I'm working so hard for all these bloody years. I don't intend to give them a trust fund, and they know in turn they need to work and to contribute. I was brought up by generous parents, and I am generous to the best of my ability. If I don't have it, I can't share it, if I have I do, it's that simple.

Agreed.

I had a wonderful upbringing, but money was tight. When I was an adult and working as a teacher I couldn't have imagined allowing my parents to pay for everything. Their pension was so low that they paid no tax whatsoever. [I once had an aggressive teller querying why I was filling up the form that stated that my dad shouldn't be paying tax on his savings account. I finished up double-checking because she was so certain that he should be paying tax.]

Oh Jesus - so because your mums had ‘her time’ no one treats her.

Why don’t you actually treat her one time and see how she feels? Maybe insist?

Clear it up before you go otherwise they may assume and not account for it.

Mine are mid twenties and both have partners. We usually pay for one meal . Eat in a couple times and split bill rest of time.

We earn about 85k both couples earn around 50k but they all live in our house and pay a nominal board so have way more spare cash than us!

It doesn’t matter whether other posters say they’d never expect their children to pay. It works both ways: I’d never expect my parents to pay for every meal out when I’m in my twenties, thirties, and so on! That is a bit expectant and rather tight to never think of treating your own parents or at least chipping in imo. I’d say that now they are earning a wage it’s time to start sharing the expenses and ask them to anticipate splitting bills now.

lol some of you must be projecting here with your assumption that OP is absolutely minted and can easily afford to spend 7 thousand pounds on this trip and then hundreds of pounds on food and drink for her offspring and their spouses!

check your privilege folks!

I would always offer to pay as would my partner if I was an earning adult rather than expecting my mum to foot the bill every time.

You shouldn’t really have to ask them (or their bloody partners!) but if you do I suggest rather than doing it gradually you go with the helpful suggestions on here.

You have no idea of what my life is like.
Don't make assumptions.
Please - leave me alone.

There's also such a thing as a generous spirit- my grandma on one side was from a very poor background, and never had much money (my parents used to send her money as she needed it) but she always brought something for us, could be hand-made from her night class, something from the beach, just a tiny thing, she was so thoughtful and spend time with us playing cards and laughing at our jokes.

Paying to go to NZ is very generous and I think it's fine for the OP to then want to divide expenses when there.

I surprised they won't want to host you for meals at their flat more - eating out every night is expensive no matter who is paying.

When my dad visits from abroad we usually host at ours a few nights and then on the last night he will pay for dinner in a restaurant. If we go to the pub we take turns to buy rounds. Same the other way when we visit him.

When we visit my mum she will always want to buy meals as she earns more and has paid off her mortgage so as a compromise I always pay for lunches out, or if we get a takeaway do it on our Deliveroo account so I can pay.

I think setting out expectations is a good idea, especially as you'll have paid so much to get there

I pay for my adult children, though in the last couple of years, they have started to beat me to the bill on occasion. They all earn 3 times what I do but they all have high rent/mortgage payments, and young families, whereas I have none of these and so have more disposable income.
I enjoy treating them as when they were little money was very tight and they didn't get that many treats.
I love their company and dining out, so it's a win-win. I would hate to think they refused to come to eat out with me because of cost or agreed to then regretted and had to cut back to afford it.