How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

Fair enough. But it's probably better than outright saying 'I'm just fed up with paying for you spongers all the time. Grow up and put your hands in your pockets'. And full-time elderly care is astronomically expensive and can really eat into an inheritance. She could always mention that.😁

Even if that's what they are? How else to characterise their behaviour?

If nothing else, asking for them to pay their way is treating them like the adults they are. They need to become a little more aware about how their actions reflect on them.

My mum still pays for me, I'm in my fifties! I pay for my children, it all evens out that way.

You need to raise it before you go. This is a change to how you usually do things. Don't blindside them with, you can get the next one.

Maybe look for a restaurant or day out for the last day/night and say you'd like to pay for that. That will open the conversation for the expectations for how things should be from now on.

It would be nice for your DC to treat you. I'd be happy with a big night in.

I have three girls - my two youngest are absolutely broke free loaders. School age.

My eldest is nearly 30 and earns well and won’t let me pay for her. She books me in for spa treats and spoils me because she knows she went without nothing when she was growing up and wants to show her appreciation.

She is an adult woman who doesn’t need her mummy to pay for her food.

Dear lord, it's not freeloading if your parents insist on paying, in order to treat you.
It reminds me of those dreadful threads where people insist on wanting "the market rate" for their DC to stay in the family home, as if they're lodgers. I can't imagine looking at my DC through the prism of what it's costing me.

Who pays for your mum? Who takes your mum out for treat? How is that even?

You could say something like, “Since we’re dining out so much on this holiday, let’s split the bills to make it easier for everyone.” It’s direct and acknowledges the situation without making it awkward.

Even as a working adult, you are still your parent’s child.

My parents never stopped paying for me and my sister, even though we are in our 40s and married with kids.
Of course we sometimes invite them / insist to get the bill, but the default is them paying. My mum even tries to pay for my train ticket when I visit them (I decline obviously).

I was just remembering the time I took my then 17 year old niece to Oxford for the open day and she attempted to pay for our meal in a restaurant. I absolutely refused to let her but was so pleased at her good manners and generosity.

I wouldn't feel bad though if we all paid our own, but it's one small thing they like to do for us, I would never take that away from them as it's a 'treat' thing- we don't eat expensive places or drink wine though.

I will want to go on taking my children out for lunch or dinner for ever, but I do agree a holiday might really add up so I'd treat them to the first dinner, and then afterwards discuss having a kitty or splitting bills for the rest of the time.

I don't think it's entitled, I think it's an open question which families handle differently which is why speaking up is the right thing to do. My FIL never lets us pay for anything ever and would be most affronted if I tried, I have tried and quickly learned that it is just something that would make him feel diminished, so now I just spend a lot on my late-teen/adult kids.

I would say this too

At what point would you ever consider your babies old enough to buy a meal?

Would you be on your death bed saying ‘fetch mummy her purse’

Her parents did, I imagine.
I guess there is an element of family tradition, and people just reproduce what happened for them.

They don't stop being your children. Obviously others just see them as ", working adults".

Just to check the dynamics here - you're going to visit her and staying where she lives (but not in her home) for five days? You're not going elsewhere in NZ together? If so, will you definitely all want to have every meal out together for all five days? That's not what I would want or expect to do. I probably wouldn't want or expect to spend all day and evening of those 5 days together!

Why be personal? Why be so unpleasant?
I was actually going to discuss this, but I find your post offensive.
I won't lower myself to respond.

@Oldcroneandthreewitches her parents when they were alive! I just don't want my children paying for me, I'm there for the treats, the extras, buying them goodies, holidays and so on. I don't want paying back if I can afford it, if I couldn't then it would be different, but I can and it's my pleasure in life, not getting £20 off them each for a meal out.

All the posts that say ‘ I wouldn’t want to take that away from them’ ( parents paying for adult dc) - who treats your patents? Who takes them out?

Are your parents literally paying for your time?

@Oldcroneandthreewitches my children have had to care for me when I was sick, so don't joke. Being generous if you can afford it is a luxury and it's a lovely thing to do, don't diminish it.

But the OP isn't insisting on it! They just assume that she'll pay. And the very fact that she is agonising about raising it with them indicates that it has never occurred to them to shift the dynamic (aka do the right thing).

You must be very fortunate to never have to have the grubby business of money pollute your relationship with your children. Most people do not have that luxury or an unlimited pot of money from which growing numbers of people can draw indefinitely - first adult children, then their partners then grandchildren in time.

Those are my thoughts. They always want to pay, and give me treats, but I enjoy treating them still, because I can afford it. My son usually insists, which is fine, but I certainly don't expect it and don't consider any of them to be "freeloaders".

I do think in this situation, though, a whole holiday of dinners, it's worth discussing. If you want things to be different, now's the time to speak up.

My parents will pay for us, they're sneaky with it and go off and pay the bill when nobody is looking. We don't expect it or ask for it and we always offer to pay for ourselves (and would/have the ability to if they said yes).

We do pay for them, but it would be more for an occasion (or something smaller like coffee and cake) otherwise we wouldn't get away with it; I'd be battered to death with mums debit card if I protested too much.