To not look at this couple in the same way anymore?

[AvrilAprill]

At the end of last year I made friends with a mum who’d just moved to the area. We got on great, as did our partners.

However, I’ve now found out that they first got together when she was 16 and he was 20/21. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that, and my husband says I’m being weird

Even if you weren't particularly mature at 16, you're not a little child. A man of 20 is hardly much older. If you have adult DC most of you will know what I mean. It's not a significant age gap, and certainly isn't predatory, weird or (dear lord)- "grim".

Life has taught me that you really can’t judge these things- you need to look at each case individually. I know of three couples with similar situations - actually bigger age gaps. In each case the couples are totally suited to each other, very much in love and have lasted ages.

Not sure what university ages 20/21 year old man would be interested in a 16 year old, essentially a school girl. Also not sure from the information you have provided how old either of them are now?

Given you are a friend who has met them later in life and have said how nice they are, you should actually show some care (if you value said friendship, which I’m not sure you do?) and mind your own business.

True. When I started at university, a girl on my course had been dating her boyfriend since she was 14. He was a few years older. When we graduated they got married and are still together more than 40 years on. Not grim.

At 16 I was easily as mature as my husband was at 20 and then some. We're both the same age and met at 18, but it's still a fact.

I thought it was common knowledge boys are a few years emotionally and socially behind girls.

@Iaskedyouthrice

As has been explained many times, things were different. Teenagers were more mature and early 20's were considered young adults, there really wasn't a significant gap.

now we baby 16 year olds & yet consider 18 year olds as adults (when it suits people anyway)

besides she's met this couple as parents of a primary aged children, the age they met is none of her concern, it's just weird.

For me it's about context, I was waitressing in a pub at that age had lots of friends late teens early twenties and there was no difference between us. I was also at sixth form not school. No uniform, teachers by first names etc.
By the time I was 17 I was dating a work colleague who was 20, I was going to clubs, gigs etc. If anything I had a more mature outlook than he did. He definitely hadn't groomed me, we were friends had a mutual social circle and liked each other. I also met my best female friend doing that job, we've been friends now for twenty years, she's 4 years older than me.

On the other hand if there are 21 year olds lads hanging around in their cars outside the local girls' school deliberately trying to pick up girls in uniform like there used to be at the convent school near my parents' house, that seems gross.

I was 16, DH was 19- nice to know people might judge us 11 years on 😂
We also met at work doing the same job, I was doing a levels and he was on his second college course

You being silly here. If you like your friend just be a friend.

Yes the age difference is a bit uncomfortable but your husband is right, why should that knowledge impact the fact you said you get on with her?

Also your replies to other posters reads as though you started the thread expecting to be unanimously agreed with that's it's ok to be judgemental of the other couple

That's why I'm on there, keeping contact with my nan 😂

Know your history and your post would not seem so daft

What are you on about?
No, I don’t think that.

Depends how old they are now, this was very normal 20+ years ago, in the last decade or so not so much. When I was 16 I went to college to do A-levels and the age range of the friends I met there was 16-21, one of my 16-year-old friends had a relationship with a guy who was 20. He was in some of our classes so it didn’t seem strange at all, he was at the same life stage it wasn’t like he was out working and we were in school he was in college and so were we. The relationship didn’t last but they’re still friends 20 years later.

She was of legal age, not ideal but it's their thing and you're all grown ups now so as nothing technically illegal went on, just leave it.

So many red flags here. Drop all contact and block every SM contact. Perhaps warn your friend first?

I’d be fucking furious if a 20 something was sniffing around my 16yr old daughter frankly. When I was 21/22 I had zero interest in 16yr old boys. It’s not the age gap it’s that one was basically a kid.

Just how fucking dare you judge someone on their past like this. Your attitude is like something out of 1950s small town America.

What if you found out someone had actually committed a crime in their teens, or been a drug addict, and had made good their lives after then?

No, judgey judgey fucking judgey pants.

God, you really must have had such a sheltered life, OP.

I think it's fine. It's not like she was 12. Girls mature more quickly so they were probably equally mature.

I apologise I should have clarified that I know it was a different time back then and if I was the OP, I wouldn't judge the couple where they are now. It worked out and that's great.
What I have an issue with is the posters insisting that generally, there isn't a problem with such a gap these days. The rise of habitual porn use and what is expected from girls now would cause me to pause. There is a huge difference between those specific ages and I would judge any 20 year old man who got with a 16 year old. I think we need to stop with the 'they are probably the same age mentally' trope. No, they are not.

I really hope there is nothing in your past that people might end friendships over, OP @AvrilAprill Or anything in your future. I think you are extremely naïve, petty, horrifically judgemental and narrow-minded and need a bloody good dose of perspective.

You would hate us OP. I was 14 when I met my husband, he was just turned 19. We met at a local dance. Been together 58 years, married 51. I was 19 when we married.

We were much more mature in those days. I was already working after school and weekends. He has left school at 14. It was pretty much the norm for my generation.

I remember going to our niece 's 21st birthday lunch a couple of years ago and she had no qualms about asking her Dad to cut her meat up for her and I thought wow, I had been married for 2 years and running a house at her age. She seemed so childlike.

I've already said that it isn't the age gap that's the problem but the massive difference in life stages. I've also said that I wouldn't let it affect a friendship.

What I'm saying is that I understand the OP's reaction because times have changed. Back in the day, it was common for less academic kids to leave school at 16 and start work straight away, so I can understand more why some people had the perception that 16 was effectively an adult so no big deal. These days, they're all in some form of compulsory education at that age so it's different.

As a parent, I wouldn't have been happy about my 16yo dating a 20yo. There is way too much of a power imbalance in that kind of relationship, no matter how "mature" the 16yo might be. My 19yo dd and her friends would also consider that kind of relationship to be unhealthy. That isn't a judgement on people who got into such relationships at different times when people looked at the world differently. Times have changed and so have our views of what's acceptable and what isn't.... when I was at school, it wasn't unusual for sixth formers to be dating teachers and I think most people would agree now that this is wholly unacceptable.

I’m really surprised by the discomfort. My parents were relatively strict when I was younger, I had a very sheltered rural upbringing. I met my first boyfriend when I was 17 (admittedly almost 18) and he was 23. They didn’t, to my knowledge, bat an eyelid. He was the most incredible boyfriend and really taught me what to expect from a relationship, he was extremely respectful, despite having had a colourful past! We lasted for three years and parted very amicably. Perhaps I was lucky, but the age gap wasn’t ever brought up.

Prince Phillip would have been allowed nowhere near HM until she was 18
And shock horror he was 5 years her senior!!
Oh the shame!!
He should have been put in front of a firing squad!!