To not look at this couple in the same way anymore?

[AvrilAprill]

At the end of last year I made friends with a mum who’d just moved to the area. We got on great, as did our partners.

However, I’ve now found out that they first got together when she was 16 and he was 20/21. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that, and my husband says I’m being weird

Then it has taken the wrong turn. Because people can't be arsed to read.

It's icky, but not as bad as an influencer i know who got together with her now husband when she was 13!!! and he was 23, nearly 24. He followed her to uni to live with her, and they got married when she was 21. She even wrote a (now deleted) blog post about their 'whimsical' love story, not realising she was was detailing a classic case of grooming and control. I just wonder if she will ever come to her senses and realise what has happened to her.

Why would it be concerning to you now, if they are say, 31 and 36 with school aged kids?

The 16 year old could be working an apprenticeship or job and the 20 year old in college. Quite a few assumptions being made .

My daughter was nearly 19 when she met ( my now ) son in law. .He was 25.

Nearly 11 years on now they have been married for 7 years, she's his boss at work - and at home lol..

Never thought that he was some " wicked predator" out to get " my little girl" lol

'She was legal'....what a way to describe a 16 year old girl. 🤮 Theres something very off about people who do that.

It is separating something that in general maybe problematic with the individual. I’m glad the days of men waiting at the school gates for the girlfriends to finish school is now looked down upon, I’m also glad that power dynamics is also more widely discussed but I also know there will be exceptions to the rules. In this case a couple who are still together whose maturity/immaturity at the age of meeting is speculation.

Which is nothing whatsoever to do with this thread.

People get into controlling relationships with people of the same age. It is not a thread about this subject.

OP I think you need to sit these friends down and get the facts so you can judge correctly. I suggest a questionnaire that they can fill out and return to you at their leisure:

How old were they when they met?
How long did they know each other before they got together?
How long before they had sex?
Were their parents OK with them being together?
As them to attach a photo of themselves then so you can decide if it was grim
Do they feel that either of them have missed out through their choices?

Let them know that once they have returned the questionnaire, fully completed, you will get back to them with an answer of whether you can be friends with them.

Yeah it's grim. The maturity/immaturity thing is just an excuse for age gaps.

Anyway, I take great heart in the response that 93% of people think the OP is being unreasonable. Rather than the frankly very odd responses from people wanting to divert the topic onto very unrelated topics.

It's one thing to say 'sure their start was weird but look, they are happy & secure now so no point in judging them. Times were different' but quite another to bemoan that society rightly looks down on these in current times

Quite. It's got very judgemental. Also widespread use of the terms "icky" and "grim" which seem to be bandied about easily.

Very good points.

13 and 23 is illegal and highly inappropriate.
16 and 21 is a whole different univers

This is my feelings, now that I'm much older, with lots of safeguarding experience.

Wouldn't hold any interest to me whatsoever.

You're looking down your nose at this couple, OP, for something that is absolutely none of your business. They can do better than you for friendship and when they pick up on your sniffy attitude towards them it will be gone in a flash.

Your husband thinks you're being weird about this and you are. Immature and ignorant at the same time. You don't get a 'vote', their relationship is nothing to do with you.

For gods sake just be a bit tolerant - not everyone is the same. My niece met her partner when she was 14 and he was 18 - she was only allowed to see him at the gym where they met and my sister never let her meet him anywhere else until she was 16 - they are now in their 30's, live together and have 2 children - they clearly were the one for each other so don't judge just because it falls a bit outside your norm! And don't assume anything about their relationship because you don't know - you should just see them as you see them now!

MN makes me laugh sometimes. Another thread is ripping a mum to shreds because she’s concerned about her 19 year old daughter, who is naive and looks under age. What turned out to be a 27 year old man jumped out of his car and approached her on the street a night to ask for her instagram details. The mum was unanimously branded as unreasonable to be concerned, and yet here we are discussing a fairly small age gap between what essentially are two people over the age of consent, who have been in a happy relationship from a young age, and calling it ‘icky’. OK then.

I was the same. Worked full time at sixteen, commuting by train and tube to my job in London. Left home at seventeen (went back briefly), fully left home at nineteen. I became fully financially independent from my parents at sixteen which obviously doesn’t happen now.

Yes, on today’s standards the age gap (specifically because of their ages, not the gap itself) seems to be unacceptable, but would I stop a friendship because of it, probably not, unless the current dynamics within their marriage were giving me doubts.

For gods sake just be a bit tolerant - not everyone is the same. My niece met her partner when she was 14 and he was 18

Yeah, let's be tolerant of an 18 year old being interested in a 14year old...... 🧐

Absolutely fucking not.

And no decent 18 year old would be interested.

My stepson was 21 when he met his Girlfriend who was 17 ( by a few days). She was far more more mature than he was. You are seeing issues where there are none.

Try telling my friend's 16 year old daughter, who is working in a full time, well paid accountancy apprenticeship that she is still a child. I doubt she would find most 16 year old boys remotely interesting on an intellectual level. She sure as hell is not getting groomed by anyone!

Ultimately, this friendship will end, because OP is judging the couple now based on something from their past. Something that is none of her business.

Typical stupid reaction - he is a great bloke - you shouldn't judge everyone by your own standards or those you assume all men have! All people are individuals!

This.
A 4 year age gap means different things at different ages. A 20 year old and a 24 year old is a very different matter to a 16 year old and a 20 year old, whatever level of maturity they show. A 16 year old's brain is still developing. Having said that, making friends with a couple who'd got together in the past when they were 16 and 20 wouldn't affect how I saw them as adults.