To not look at this couple in the same way anymore?

[AvrilAprill]

At the end of last year I made friends with a mum who’d just moved to the area. We got on great, as did our partners.

However, I’ve now found out that they first got together when she was 16 and he was 20/21. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that, and my husband says I’m being weird

I feel like there are a lot of assumptions on this thread.

Did he groom or actively pursue 16 year old girls? If so very worrying.

Did they work together, or meet on a night out, or get introduced, and just hit it off and have lots in common, realising the age gap once there was already an attraction?

I don't think you can say that all 16 year olds are immature and childish at all.

I don't think you can assume that he didn't treat her with the utmost respect.

And ultimately they were right - now happily married with children.

Incredible that people are hand wringing and making unpleasant assumptions about a couple who an anonymous op has mentioned on here in the briefest of terms. I think some people could get angry about anything.

Being predatory isn't related to someone being older then their partner . Being predatory is in someone's character. Two ppl can fall for each other at the said ages (I'm not talking about anyone younger then 15 or 16) and want to be together and it doesn't mean one party is being predatory. That said older partners do need to take responsibility if the person they are dating are below the age of consent or at the age of consent but are vulnerable in anyway. We must not tarnish everyone but we must not turn a blind eye either.

A good advert for not dating someone equally immature and stupid at 16, surely? Why are so many people apparently comfortable with their 16-year old daughters being mauled by 16-year old boys whose only experience to date is an inappropriate porn habit, but horrified by the idea of a 20-year old being attracted to a 16-year old? A paedophile is not going to find someone a mere 4 years younger than them attractive, as there is little discernible physical difference between a 16-year old girl and a 20-year old girl, and often little discernible difference in their behaviour, as most 20/21 year olds I know are still pretty immature.

Exactly. A 19 year old asked me out when I was 16. I didn’t end up with him because he wasn’t quite my type, but he was very kind and respectful.
Not sure why a horny and rude idiot is more appropriate and safe just because he’s 16.

I do think it depends. My friend aged 16/17 dated a man in his early 20s, she's always been incredibly mature and no nonsense for her age, they knew each other for several months before starting a relationship, and when they split up after 5 years she dated someone much older than her again, for about 12 years. It would have been v weird for me to date a 20yo at that age however as I was quite immature in comparison.

However another friend at the same age (17) dated someone in his mid 30s... That was definitely wrong!

Ah, MN, don't ever change with your complete inability to see nuance and shades of grey. Keep hoiking those judgy pants. Everything and everyone is either reasonable or unreasonable, right or wrong.

Sometimes, a 20 year old dating a 16 year old may be a problem, sometimes it won't. Not all 20 year olds are grooming, and not all of them would have any interest in anyone younger. Some 16 year olds are children, some aren't. The legal minimum age for marriage was only raised to 18 from 16 last year in the UK.

Given that he was 20 or 21, history there is a bit vague, maybe she was closer to 17, maybe he was only just 20. Maybe she was the younger sister of a friend, and they had actually known each other for years. It is always sex that gets people pissy about young relationships, but maybe that wasn't their highest priority. Not all of us were jumping into bed the moment we met someone in our teens.

Without reading the full thread, I do know what you mean op… being in your twenties and dating a teenager is icky.

It was once acceptable, but not anymore, but I think always icky.

Hands down & without exception, this is one of the most shocking threads I've seen on here. Not because of the OP (who's not wrong to feel weirded out by the husband in this situation but shouldn't let it affect her relationship with them) but because of the replies.

The replies!!

So WHAT if you did it? If your parents, grandparents, cousins did it? So what if 'it was OK back-in-the-day'? LOTS of things were 'ok back-in-the-day' that are outright illegal now!

Lots of you are talking about a time when it was illegal to be gay, ok to rape your wife, fine too exclude someone based on their race & yes, for men to exploit young girls in both sex & marriage. Exploit!!

What the actual fuck is going on in your heads to think that being better than that now is a bad thing? That it's infantilising?

'how was your degree class today Brian?'
'all good mate, just going to pick up Sarah, she'll be finished school now, just needs to change out of her uniform & do some GCSE revision'

Anyone does that now (& any friend I've ever had (I'm 46)) would be like 'jesus dude, that's fucked'

If a 20yo woman started showing interest in my 16yo son, I'd be intervening - it's my job as a parent! A 16yo still needs parenting, they always have done & society has changed to reflect that. They are still in school, not going down the mines or up fucking chimneys.

'oh but it's legal' - listen to yourselves! 'but it's only 4 years' - so what? One is basically a child still reliant on their family to feed & clothe them. Over the age of 22 or so the age gap can be anything at all for all I care.

I'd like to think a bunch of trolls have taken over this thread, it would be better than the reality.

What is "icky"?
A teenager could be 13, a man in his 20s could be 29. Neither is true in this case. They have clearly formed a good relationship and now have children.

All of this. But you shouldn't be friends with people you judge like this so best to distance yourself. For their sakes.

A few years ago my SILs then-fourteen year old stepdaughter had a seventeen year old boyfriend. I was actually a bit suprised that they were allowed to be alone together and go off in his car to the extent they did, but not my call.

They did split up but if they'd stayed together I wouldn't have thought it was icky or anything. He didn't look or act noticably older than her.

Come to think of it, my inlaws were the same ages as that when they got together.

At school a friend of mine was dating a 21 year old when we were doing our GCSE's and she fell pregnant. We're all approaching 40 now, they're still together and have 4 kids. Sometimes it's just the right person.

Think if right now I knew a 16 year old dating a 20/21 year old I would feel a tad uncomfortable (in spite of that story) but in this situation where they are now older that age gap isn't a big deal.

When I was 16 I didn't want to date boys around my age . I wanted someone older , mature ,as did most girls . Boys of 16/17 were just childish mentally.

I can't help but chuckle at the '16/17 is a CHILD, it's DISGUSTING' posts.

I was 17 and dh was 21 when we got together. We met in the pub 😂. We were very well matched in terms of maturity/life stage which aligns with the 'girls usually mature quicker' school of thought.

Had he been some kind of perverted paedo then I assume he'd have tried chatting up girls at the local playground, not the pub.

@Bittenbyfleas and @PosingPosture20 absolutely.

Christ is that it.

All my boyfriends were older at that age.
I was a sensible 16 year old holding down a 25 hour a week job alongside a levels and supporting some significant family issues.

I didn't marry my boyfriend of that period but he was a decent, quiet bloke that treated me well.

I really couldn't get worked up.

The thread is about judging friends who got together years ago at 16 and 21 and who have been together for a number of years and have kids together.

Simply that. Whether a five year age gap, now, both of them long into adulthood weirds you out so much that you can no longer be friends with them.

It's not about all the other issues you have tacked on to it, which I find pretty fucking weird and pretty fucking ridiculous TBH.

I met DH when I was 18 and he was 8 years older than me. I wasn’t at school though, had moved away from home and was studying and neither of us realised the age gap until our first date. If I’d have met him a year before whilst I’d been at school I doubt my parents would have supported the relationship. As it is, we’ve been together nearly 20 years now 😂

It’s an odd one OP because I take it they’re quite a bit older now? That type of age gap wouldn’t have probably seemed so odd if they’d met when she was 18….I wonder how they met. Did they say? It may not be as predatory as you think. She was above the legal age of consent and he was still very young in the scheme of things. If you genuinely like them and they seem genuinely happy it would be a shame to end your friendship based on this info.

A mature 16 year old realises that 21 year old men interested in them are weird for being interested in them. That's real maturity.

Being an immature 21 year old, doesn't mean you just lower the age you date to include 16 year olds instead of growing the fuck up if you want to be attractive to others who are nearer your own age.

I've read every post & it very much has become about that 🤷🏼‍♀️

She was legal when they met.

MN threads 1-500 "But their BRAAAAINS don't develop fully until they're 25!" (often used to excuse totally ridiculous immature behaviour by an adult)

MN thread 501 " Longstanding relationship with a 4 year age gap when they met, both of them over the age of consent at the time? He's probably a paedophile".

What is clear from this thread is that there are a bunch of people whose worlds are totally black and white, no nuance whatsoever. Either everything is 100% right or 100% wrong. You can see why people vote for the likes of Trump and Le Pen who provide apparently easy answers.

I'd be concerned when they met, id raise an eyebrow hearing about it later on. But ultimately it would not change my opinion of them.

I have friends who met when she was very young and in fact quite vulnerable having lost both parents, he was in a position of some authority to her.

I didn't know them then, and honestly it sounds terrible.

However, when I met them they were engaged, she was already 19 but seemed older, I think loosing her parents forced her to grow up young. She's the boss in their relationship, definitely not an unequal relationship in his favor, they have been together now for must be 15 years or more. Have some children (who arrived when she was late 20s nearly 30 and had completed her degree level education and got a good job). All he has ever wanted to do is make her happy and care for her. They are a great example of a married couple and parents, however dodgy relationship seemed when it started out.

Exactly this.